Our Family Blog

Nickelodeon Universe

2012-02-12T21:19:00.001-06:00

Sunday was the event through the Children's Hospital Oncology ward. They gave us wristbands for the amusement park inside the Mall of America and also served supper. We headed out prepared and hopeful for a good trip. Had the child harness, baby carrier and the stroller, just to have all things covered. We had a peaceful drive there and Dawson was excited to go on rides. He asked me many times on the way "go to rides?" and I'd tell him that yes, we're still going to rides. I think he gets nervous on those long trips, thinking we may have to change our minds or something. Plus heading to the cities is always an emotional thing since most of our trips there were for the hospital. He had fallen asleep before we got to the mall, but when we were parked in the ramp facing the building he woke up. I said "Look!" and Dawson got an excited look on his face and said "yay, Walmart!". Well, it was a brick building... So I told him the rides are in there and he got even more excited. :)

Gabriel was pretty excited once he saw all the rides and lights too. He watched the coasters and the rides going around with awe.

Dawson was so excited he could barely contain it

There were times he really didn't contain much either! ;)

I saw this picture when I got home and thought Wow! Sometimes I'll catch glimpses that look so much like Tyler. This was definitely one of them. He was waiting in line for his very first ride.

They rode the Blue's Clues ride first. It was Dawson's first favorite cartoon and he still thinks it's very neat to see this one.

Gabriel on his first ride. He wasn't quite sure what to think of it.

He looks so tiny on there!

Gabriel on his first ride. He decided this was pretty fun.

Watching some more rides while snacking on some crackers.

Swings! I let Dawson choose what rides he went on next. He did so great waiting in lines! I was very impressed. Last year he was throwing himself to the ground and crying, not understanding why we had to wait in a line. This year he stood so well. He got off the ride and waited for us to decide where to go next. Sometimes we'd stop and give Gabriel another cracker or something and he would stand and wait for us. Last year he was trying to run ahead and ended up either in the stroller or the harness and wasn't happy about it at all.

Dawson got to ride a pig on the Carousel.

Gabriel got to ride a lion! It didn't go up and down, which was preferred anyway. Plus we just had to put him on a lion in honor of Tyler. It was his favorite animal.

Kid coaster!

He got off the kid coaster and we were getting ready to move on to the next ride. I turned around and he wasn't standing behind Dan anymore. We had a couple little scares already that day, but he had just moved and was standing on the other side of me or something. He'd been so good! So I looked around us and the rails by the rides to see if he was watching something and didn't see him. I checked to see if he'd gotten back in line and he hadn't. We looked around the nearest corners and nothing there anyway. He was gone, in the Mall of America.

Dan and I split in seperate directions to cover the whole amusement park faster. I think the place got about 5 times bigger at that moment. I put him in a very bright blue shirt. Apparently many people have bright blue diaper bags! I made a quick trip around the place and then went to the guest services to report him missing. They said this happens a lot and got all the details. I told him his name and also that he won't tell people his name. I had dressed him purposely for this reason. Brown corderoys instead of jeans, a bright Cars shirt with a simple saying on it. A ride operator called in pretty quick saying she thinks he was at her ride, the big coaster. He wanted to go on that one, but the entrance wasn't very well marked so I didn't think he'd find it. We went up to the ride and I didn't see him. She said he was taken to guest services, so we went down there and he was there.

What bothered me most was he seemed indifferent about it all. He didn't seem relieved or anything, it didn't appear to shake him at all. It's so discouraging, because without some seperation anxiety, it's hard to teach him to stay by me and what will happen if he doesn't. He obviously really didn't care, he just wanted to pee and go on that rollercoaster. We took a potty break, told him he can go on the big coaster later if he's good and continued on. Very shaken up, feeling like the most awful parents.

After that he wore the harness. He was very unhappy about that, but it was not negotiable! I gave him the map and had him pick something. He looked so cute walking with the map.

We went on the hot air ballon ride. Gabriel went with us on that one and liked it. He clapped and looked all around at the lights and colors of it all. He never acted scared on any of the rides. Just very curious and observant.

Pretty lights up there

Dawson wanted to go on the bus. He's been on this before at the county fair and did very good sitting still by himself.

Gabriel was very impressed

It went high up in the air!

Dawson did get to go on the big coaster. So did I, since he needed a parent to go with him. It's amazing how much changes from the teen years to the parent years. As a teen I went on Wild Thing (huge very tall rollercoaster for those not in this state) 6 times in a row and loved it. Now I can barely survive the scrambler. I thought of all the coasters I'd been on, and really this one was pretty mild. How bad could it be, right? I think having a child to worry about really makes the experience more scary. Constantly worrying about how he was going to do. I was ok with it until suddenly we were sitting there waiting for it to start and I'm looking at the hill thinking "oh crap, now I remember this!". I told Dawson that we're going up that big hill. He smiled and said "yeah!". He was giddy, so excited. We went up and he was still grinning. I asked him many times if he was having fun and he always said yes. We got off and I had to carry him down the steps, crying. Everyone was looking at us like I'd let him go on something too big for him. I'm pretty sure they didn't realize his problem was just that he didn't want to get off! He wanted to go again right away.

Unfortunately I was not about to do the coaster again, at least not right away. I was ready for a break. Not really hungry, but needed a break. Honestly I was still trying to convince my stomach contents to stay put! So eating wasn't really what I wanted most, but everyone else was hungry so we headed in for supper. Dawson ate pretty well, Gabriel ate a lot too. I got to chat with some moms I know. It's great seeing their kids looking so well. I never know how I'll feel going into something like this. Some days I read Caringbridge pages with envy, wondering why they did so well but Tyler didn't. Most of the time lately I've been feeling better about the other kids. It was nice to see how well they all looked and how big they were getting. I saw some moms who we were inpatient with but didn't realize Tyler had died. It's nice to catch up with some people. It's hard when you get to know someone for a few months in the hospital but don't know how their story ended. So it was great to see them so happy and healthy looking.

After supper, Dawson decided he wanted to go on the boats. They have an indoor Flume ride and Daddy had reminded him of this. (dirty looks toward daddy!) Of course I had to go on with him, Daddy "doesn't do rollercoasters". Dawson had turned this ride down last year, thinking it was too scary. So we watched again and I asked him if he's sure he wants to go and he shouted YES! So we went in. He had a little harder time standing in line, but we didn't wait long thankfully. I've been on the Flume once as a teen and said I wasn't doing that again. Children make you do crazy things!

When I got in the boat I thought "oh good, we're behind a big guy, he'll keep us dry". Then as we approached the drop my thoughts were more "oh crap, we have 2 big people in this thing and are going to drop like a rock!" I was so relieved at the bottom, we had survived. Then it went back up a hill and I realized this flume has TWO drops! Crap! The 2nd one was not as fun, for either of us. Dawson was looking a bit shakey as he got off, but by the time we got to the exit he wanted to go do it again. Crazy child! We got back out to Dan and he pointed at the pictures taken on the 2nd drop. Dawson's face looked horrified! Poor kid. He was doing just fine moments before, was even looking forward to the drop. Then I realized, the pictures! They use strobe lights to create good flash for the pictures, and Autistic kids often react to strobes. He couldn't even handle the movie theater. So I really think that was his issue. We had 30 minutes left and I decided no more rides for me, so we went to find something he could go on by himself.

Daddy

We ended up at the Frog Hopper, he loves that thing! So he went on it about 5 times in a row and used up the rest of his time there.

Gabriel was wiped out by this point. So much excitement for one day. We went home, very happy to have both kids with us, still shaken up about Dawson getting lost. Happy that Gabriel got to experience fun new things and that Dawson still got to have so much fun.

Joys and Trials

2012-02-11T21:59:00.003-06:00

This week I've either been suffering or having too much fun to post a new blog. Tuesday I went for a walk and tried running for maybe 30 seconds. Dumb idea, ended up having an asthma attack and Dan had to come pick me up a mile down the road. I haven't been exercising as much lately and I really wanted to get back to it. It's been pretty cold this week though and it looked nicer out than it was. I can't handle the cold as well. I wasn't able to go skating that night, so Dan went by himself while I went to JcPenny's and spent a gift card! Got some shirts for myself, jeans for Dawson and I found this cool thing on clearance from Christmas. It started out as $54.99 but had been clearanced many times and was now only $5! Dawson loves it. He likes those touchless paper towel dispensers in stores and loves the idea of getting treats. He is constantly asking me for more cereal, he's very much a grazer, so it's been really nice for him to just go get a handful now and then. I can change the amount he gets or just turn it off when I want. It's supposed to be for candy and treats, but cereal works pretty good too.

On a happy note, I'm continuing to lose weight, about 2 pounds per week lately! I'm down 11 pounds since November. Not bad with 2 food holidays in the middle! Still about 50 pounds from my ultimate goal, but only 4 pounds from my first short-term goal, which feels so good!

Dawson is doing great. He's loving his therapists. He actually woke up at 5:15am on Friday asking for Cheryl. I told him he has a few hours to sleep first, so he cuddled in my bed and slept. I'm not sure how a sleeping person can move that much, but I never sleep well when he's in with me. I get elbowed in the face, he'll roll over and headbutt my nose if I happen to start drifting off. Then he moved my pillow so he could lay on it better and I was left without. 9am finally came around and he was happy to see her. He had woken up 10 minutes earlier and I told him she'd be here in 10 minutes, thinking he would get up, but he layed right back down and slept for those 10 minutes!

He seems so much older now. He's gaining more words and his sentences are getting more complete. It's crazy to think that just a year ago he was barely saying 2 word sentences and now he has so many words. He's adding all those filler words. He used to say "more please" and now it's "Can I have more cereal please?" Everyday there's at least a couple sentences that make me stop and admire what he just said. One of his therapy phrases that they're working on pronouncing is "Lets eat lunch". I asked him if he wanted fish sticks and he said yes, then grinned and said "Lets eat lunch!" So not only can he say it, he placed it with the correct situation. He is just flying through all his therapy programs. They have to start out fairly easy to establish routine and cooperation before things get more challenging. I'm excited to add some new goals to his plan and really start working on things. One of them is going to be his social skills. In about a month or so they will start working on the new goals.

We went to the mall play area again and Dawson did better with listening and being in control of his body. He often just gets excited and runs around without noticing other children. He was even trying to play with other kids this time, he just doesn't understand how to do it. He was chasing some girls around, then was pushing them down the little slide before they were ready, or off the other things. I pulled him aside and talked to him several times. He was better for a while and then started forgetting again. He pushed a little boy off something and the kid landed on his chest. That was the end of it. I made sure he watched as the boy went crying to his mom and got picked up. Dawson looked a little sheepish, but was more mad about having to go home. I had told him if he pushes anyone we were going home, so he knew that was it. I had him go over and say sorry, he wouldn't say it, he was still mad, but he seemed to realize what he did. Thankfully the little boy was just fine.

It's so hard to practice social situations with the fear of hurting someone. It's just one of those things, he won't learn if we don't practice, but we sure don't want anyone to get hurt either. I'm looking forward to summer so we can have the choice of many playgrounds instead of just the 1 indoor place where there's 20 kids in a small area. He really needed to get out and play though, he was feeling cooped up. A bonus, we did see a friend there and I got to hold her sweet 1 month old baby girl and she even smiled at me. :)

Dawson asked for a hug the other day and afterward he smiled at me, rubbed my cheek and said "you're adorable". It was so cute the way he said it, a new word for him. He's been getting some attitude in his speech lately. It's somewhat amusing and sometimes just a scary reminder of how fast he's growing up! He'll say things like "I don't think so mom", "Ummm no", "I don't want to", "Aw, no fair!", "Moooooom". Or when he wants something he'll come up to me and say "Look at me mom, look at me!" Gotta love hearing those things I say to him come back to me. Making eye contact has always been essential for getting him to really listen to me, so now he's demanding it too. The attitude that he says these things with is often just amusing though. Reminds me a bit of a teenage girl attitude, only a bit less intense.

Dawson did great tonight, he even earned an ice cream cone! He pooped on the potty. He'd been going in his pants. It's tough because sometimes he's constipated and sometimes it's the opposite, so he never knows how it will be and is almost afraid to go. We're still working on finding the right amount of laxitive for him too. You'd think after a year we'd figure it out, but it seems like it's always changing, and now that he's not getting the gluten anymore it's changing again!

He was very excited about his cone. It's a rare treat. I couldn't even get him to stop bouncing it around for a picture. :)

We often work on recognizing emotions. He's getting pretty good at doing the faces. This is his sad face.

Happy face!

I didn't quite understand what he called this face. He often makes up silly faces.

His Puffins, one of the gluten-free cereals. This stuff is $5 something for a 10oz box! He really likes them though.

Gabriel got tired and fell asleep after supper. He reminds me of Tyler here, pale lips and all. Not sure if I'll be able to wait until the end of March to get another hemoglobin check. It's driving me crazy watching for signs all the time and knowing he was a bit low already.

My boys are getting so big!

Whatever happened to these little boys?! This was taken in August.

Speaking of big, guess who climbed up on the dishwasher to reach the counter! Notice how he's not quite holding onto the counter either, though he's reaching for it. He can stand on his own for at least 10 seconds now. He's getting pretty good at it. He can stand and clap, or do his little knee bend jumps a little bit without falling over. I'm thinking he'll take his first step before the end of the month. He's already thinking about it.

Gabriel is loving that mall play area. Sometimes when I'm watching Dawson too close, suddenly Gabriel will be gone! I'll look and he'll be on the opposite side, playing with the stuff on the wall. He's crawling so fast! He can even stand up almost by himself. He only needs something low to start out with and then he just stands himself up. He also gave Daddy and I both a kiss on the cheek the other day, complete with kissy sound. It was so adorable! He did it again this morning.

Tomorrow we're off to Mall of America. The Children's Oncology ward always puts on a few events each year. I hadn't thought of going until many moms asked if they'd get to see us, so then we decided it would be fun and good for Dawson to get out. Going to places we've been with Tyler is always tough. It was his first experience with rides and he had fun there. Now we'll see many bald little heads, which I really haven't seen since Tyler died either. It's going to be a harsh reminder of the life we no longer have. I asked if we'd even qualify to go and the Child Life lady said we should come if we're comfortable and she'd like to see us again anyway. I think it will be good to see all the supportive people and some staff we knew though. I'm mostly just excited for Dawson, he loves rides so much, he'll be very excited.

Constructive Weekend

2012-02-06T22:33:00.009-06:00

Sunday we went to my mom's house to do taxes. The boys had lots of fun and it was nice getting the taxes done. I also made gluten-free waffles while we were there. The waffle maker we have is a belgian one, so they don't fit in the toaster. I looked in 2 stores but all I could find were belgian makers! So my mom offered me to use hers while I keep looking for one. Instead of paying $3.69 for 6 waffles, I got a bag of gluten-free pancake/waffle mix for $7 and got all these, plus I have a cup of mix left! Made 21 waffles. Turns out to be half the price of buying them. :)

My mom mad this for me too. It's the new big thing and people are wanting $75 for these homemade crib rail protectors. Our crib didn't come with plastic sides and the ones we got didn't fit the rail, so I asked her if she could make one. Looked easy enough! It's so cute too. She used the material from the bassinet bedding she made for us when we were expecting Dawson. Still had some left over.

This is our new puppy. His name is Scout. He barks, gives high fives and gives kisses. We found out Sunday morning that he also sneaks out to fetch sticks. Sometimes I'll call his name or say "no Dawson" and he'll say "no, Scout!". So he'll only respond if I call him Scout when he's being a puppy. For those who don't know, Scout is the puppy on the Leap Frog cartoon series. He has most of the DVDs and is what he watches the most lately. He also plays his Leap Frog Explorer which has the dog on there too. I love that he's pretending, it's the first we've seen of it. It's often hard for Autistic kids to grasp the concept of pretend play.

Can this be possible? Seems to be a frequent question this week. First because Gabriel started standing on his own, and today he decided he wants a sippy cup. He happily drank some juice. He's still nursing a lot, but is definitely interested in trying out the sippy.

mmmm this is so good!

Dawson had another ball pit bath.

Gabriel had some major bed head this morning. So cute! He's getting so much hair, mostly in the back and the middle of the top.

Today I got some cleaning done. I haven't been motivated at all lately. I've done stuff with the kids, but the apartment has been getting neglected. I guess that's better than the other way around! So I set the timer for 15 minutes and went to work. It's a good motivator and it's amazing what a person can get done in just 15 minutes. It's often easier than deciding to tackle a whole project.

My appreciated person today is Nelli. She started following Tyler's story, not even knowing that we're from the same town! She did a fundraiser for us and also invited me to her MOPS group, which is closer than the one I'd been going to. So now I've been going to both and it's been great. Each week I leave there feeling refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the week. Some of the conversations and book studies have been rather healing as well. It's one of those amazing things Tyler has done, bringing people together who probably never would've met otherwise. Not only have I met people, but those people have opened doors and opportunities for me. I've only been there a few times and already have gotten so much out of it.

This one has a book study and the new book is "The Uncommon Woman" by Susie Larson. It's a christian book, about how you view yourself and others. Rising from the judgement and pettiness of others and taking the high road of forgiveness. This book mentioned so many things that have been huge issues for me, caring what others think of me, feeling the need to defend myself, letting the opinions of others completely ruin not only my day, but my views of myself. The last couple of years I've been really kicked down, not only from what I was going through with Tyler and our family, but from the words of others. I hated that other people, who really didn't even know me at all anyway, could have such a negative affect on my life. I have tons of supporters, but it seems like you can have many friends lifting you up, but just 1 or 2 bullies can completely knock you down. Over the last few months I have gotten a lot better about that, but this book has really helped. It is definitely something to be worked on continually. Here's some quotes I like about judgement and forgiveness.

"You do not define anyone with your judgment. You only define yourself as someone who needs to judge." - Wayne Dyer

"The highest form of intelligence is the ability to observe without evaluating." - Jiddu Krishnamurti

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving." - Dale Carnegie

"It is not "forgive and forget" as if nothing wrong had ever happened, but "forgive and go forward," building on the mistakes of the past and the energy generated by reconciliation to create a new future." - Carolyn Osiek

I've really been missing Tyler more lately. Today Dawson got in the tub to play with the balls and suddenly grinned and said "Hiiiiii Tyler!". He was holding up balls and saying what color they are. I asked him where Tyler is and he just looked at me with this "duh, mom!" look on his face and pointed next to him. He was later chanting "hi Tyler, bye Tyler" over and over. If I pry further I get the blank look and he runs off to play with something else, or he'll ask for something unrelated and avoids the subject. I don't want him to be uncomfortable, and shut down so I don't pry more once he does that. I wish I could see what he's thinking, what he sees and what he knows about what happened. I've been thinking about it more this week with doing taxes and having to mark him down as deceased, plus with it being February and I know so many people who are preparing for their kid's 3rd birthdays. I had so many fun things in mind for his birthday and now I'm not sure what we'll do. We both want to acknowledge it somehow, we just haven't figured out how yet. Seeing pics of other kids I wonder how much older Tyler would look now. Kids grow so much in just 3 months. I mostly just miss holding him and seeing his adorable smile.

Also seeing him running around, playing with Dawson and listening to that contagious giggle.

Water Beads

2012-02-03T23:34:00.003-06:00

Had a fun day! Started out pretty slow. Dawson's therapist was here from 9am until noon. He did great with his work and as a reward we did this on his break times. He works for a bit and then gets a break for 5 minutes or so. I bought these Water Beads at Walmart last night. They were only $2 for a packet, so we got orange and blue. They're by the vases and fake flowers.

He had fun putting the tiny beads in water

Dawson's next break, 20 minutes later! They over doubled in size. I told him they were going to get bigger, so he grinned when he saw them, got all excited and said "bigger!". He swooshed them around in the water for a bit and was excited to check again on his next break.

In the meantime, I had this container on the floor waiting to put them all in when they were big. Gabriel took advantage, crawled up there and discovered he can reach the countertop! I'm so not ready for that yet.

While Dawson was working I got some pics. Gabriel is looking so much older these days! I don't know when he went from baby to toddler, but he's sure looking less like a baby these days.

I had flipped the viewing screen around so he could see as I took the pics. He was admiring his tongue.

Then he was making funny faces at himself.

Back to playing with his house. He loves that thing! It's gotten so much use. Dawson still plays with it too!

On his 3rd break we poured them all into the big container. He was so excited.

They're hard to describe. Kinda squishy, smooth, slippery and bouncy. It's crazy to think they started out small enough to be a speck under my fingernail. I actually did get one under there too when I was taking them out!

Lots of fun! He played with these for at least 6 hours today. He kept going back to them!

I had different things for him to do. I brought this toy out at first, but as they expanded more, they didn't quite fit through the hole and they were getting squished and broken. The blue ones we found out can't handle as much as the orange. They break when they hit the floor or get squeezed too hard. The orange ones seemed to have a firmer feel.

So instead we used the shovel and a container. I think the shovel broke some too, it has a really sharp edge. Tomorrow I'm going to give him a big plastic spoon instead. Will be easier on the beads.

We had planned on babysitting tonight, so I brought the balls out and fenced off the end of the hallway. I eventually made the corner smaller so the balls would fill it up better. The kids ended up not coming today though, which ended up being ok since Dawson just wanted to play in the bathtub for some water time. He was having issues with me not allowing him to play with that water toy with the beads since they got too big for it. So he played in the tub with it for about 30 minutes instead. We got some company, which was great for me. I haven't had anyone over for a while and I don't often get to chat with other adults, unless you count Dawson's therapists. ;)

After they went to bed I cleaned up the water beads and sorted out the squished ones. They end up like this. I had just under half the sherbet container of squished beads. Only 2 were orange though, so I'm going to get some more orange next time, or maybe try another color. I also heard of other beads like this, only more durable. I already forgot what they're called, but I'm hoping to try them, especially since they're a bit smaller and should work with that toy.

There are still plenty left! I think it was definitely worth the $4, for about 6 hours of play and I know he'll be right back at it again tomorrow. :)

Another awesome person is my friend Katie, who visited today. She visited me while we were in the ICU a few times and it was so nice being able to chat with a friend and help the minutes and even hours go by faster. She drove the 90 minutes to RMH and helped us haul our stuff back home after Tyler died. Then she watched the boys sometimes for half the day so we could go make arrangements with the funeral home over the next week. After that she watched the boys every week while we went skating or out on a date. It was such a relief to have some free babysitting and be able to get out and do something by ourselves. I love that her girls get to play with Gabriel and Dawson. They were pretty attached to Tyler and he always loved all the attention. When we were in class, they were never very far behind him. ;)

Three Months

2012-02-03T13:19:00.000-06:00

Yesterday started out interesting. I was nursing Gabriel in our bed and Dawson got up and came into our room. He smiled and said "Hi!". He seemed happier than usual. He then named the people in our bed. "Daddy, Tyler, Mommy, Gabriel!". He's never done this before and he's usually quite a literal child, so he doesn't pretend much at all.
The 2nd marked 3 months since Tyler died. I woke up that morning in the hospital after getting almost no sleep at all, knowing that today was the day my child would die. I was relieved, at the time. With no sign of brain activity, my feelings about him and the situation had changed. My child wasn't in that body anymore, it was an empty shell that didn't really even look like him anymore with all the swelling, yellow skin, limbs turning gray from not getting blood flow and dead skin flaking off all over. Air was being forced into his lungs, his blood was being forced to flow. Everything else wasn't working anymore. It was time to end his misery and let him join the world of no more suffering, no pain and freedom beyond imagine.

Once we were back home and out of that situation, the numbness wore off and we really realized what just happened. Tyler is free of pain, but he also is gone from our lives. Taking a step back from the hospital and seeing other kids recovering is tough. We're so happy for them, but it's hard not to wonder why Tyler didn't get to recover. Even though I try to think of it as his mission being done, it's also just not fair that kids have to die. The reality of it all is often too much to think about. 7 kids die every single day from cancer. That's just cancer, not heart problems, SIDS, stillbirth, accidents or other illness that takes so many lives too. To think of all those parents going through this too, I walk through the store and wonder who else is suffering. I wonder what their story is. So next time you see someone in a crabby mood, don't judge and criticise them for being in a mad mood, but maybe just say a little prayer for whatever they may be going through. This world is a tough place, everyone has their battles and you just never know what has happened to them.

Tyler's mission is over. He brought joy into this world beyond what most people could ever accomplish. He changed the way people held their children, gave them a deeper appreciation for what they had. He changed my views on many things. Brought awareness, donations to research, and knowledge to scientists since he was in research studies. His job is done, but will continue to make a difference. Because of him I created a group for grieving parents who lost a child to cancer and so far we have 50 people who are being helped through this horrible journey. Donations have been made to RMH, Childhood Cancer research and even the Women's Shelter. Dawson looks for coins on the ground and saves them up to put in the Children's donation bin at Walmart. He has learned compassion and empathy because of Tyler. Something that Autistic kids have a hard time with. It's always wonderful hearing about the things people do and the way they have changed because of him. Big or small, we'd love to hear about it!

I got Dawson this last night, only $5 at Walmart! I was looking for something calming and he loves water. He really loves it.

I did this test with our vitamins yesterday. Many out there don't actually dissolve or do any good in your body! So they say to take a glass of vinegar and put your vitamins in it. If they dissolve in 30 minutes they are good. Ours dissolved in about 15 minutes!

My mom's gel vitamins however, did not. It only swelled up in the first hour. After 3 hours it was still floating around all swollen and a little split. She was pretty grossed out to see what it ended up like. It finally fell apart when she picked it up. The goo inside is still there, it didn't even float out or change the vinegar color. Here's the 3 hour gel vitamin, the original and a quarter. They are switching to something better. ;) I actually had a recommendation to use Flinestones Complete vitamins, even for adults. Sure enough, they have the info for adult use right on the bottle. Who knew! The chewables dissolve and are the best for absorbtion. Nature Made vitamins aren't very good either, the coated ones don't dissolve either. Stinks that you spend so much money on something, only to find out they aren't making a difference. Such an easy test too! I hope I didn't gross anyone out with the pic. I'll make up for it with some cuter pics later. ;)

For a cuter topic, Gabriel has been keeping us on our toes lately. He can climb up onto the cube slide, but he can't get down. He also growls at us, which reminds me so much of Tyler. He says "Baaaa!" when he growls, which is what Tyler would do too. Gabriel looks so much older standing on the cube slide, especially when he lets go of the edge and just stands there for several seconds. He's doing that more and more lately.

Here's some pics of Tyler. I don't have any 10 month pics on this computer, but these are around 12 months. So cute and little! When I look at older pics of Tyler, I don't see a lot of Gabriel resemblance. Then I look back on these old pics and I see more of Gabriel and some of Dawson too.

I miss Tyler's big personality so much! He was being a lil stinker.

This one is Gabriel

This is Dawson at the same age

As I thought about Tyler's journey I was also thinking of all the people who made our journey easier. There are some people I will never forget, people I admire and look up to. Some that have offered physical help, or advice. Some who just lend an ear when I needed to talk. Without all these people in my life, I would not be doing so good. In helping me, you have helped my entire family. I wanted to acknowledge these people, in no particular order. :)

Today I've been thinking about my friend Jen. She's an amazing person who I honestly have no clue what I would've done without! She took Dawson into her home shortly after Tyler was diagnosed and gave him a loving home to be at. She and my mom had a schedule worked out and it was such a huge relief knowing he had such good places to stay at. Dawson also got some child interaction with her 6 kids, so that was good for him too. July and August were tough months for Tyler and Dawson wouldn't have been able to be with us while we were in the ICU and while Tyler was so needy. Dawson was able to come be with us just at the right time. Thinking about how Dawson was doing was often as stressful as worrying about Tyler, but knowing he was in a good place really put our mind at ease. They even hosted his 2nd birthday party, since it was only 3 weeks after Tyler was diagnosed. She's continued to be a person to look up to, a great support and friend. Thanks to her (and a few others) I didn't have to go grocery shopping after Tyler died, which was great because going to a store was very hard. She is one of those people that I will never forget.

I found this quote, it's a good thought for not only people who have been through big things like this, but for everyone. Your friends might not have helped in huge ways, but often those small things or even those people who you know will always be there when you need to talk or need a place to visit. Those people are so valuable. Make sure they know it!

"Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you'll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life and you'll find that you have more of it." Ralph Marston

Making Memories

2012-02-01T23:48:00.006-06:00

Today was a good day! The only unplanned thing was Dawson not going to school. For some reason I had him down as going and there were no afternoon classes. He did great with the change though. We ran a couple errands instead and played in the play area at the mall. He loved it! He ran around and was great with the other kids this time.

We got this drawer thing from Dan's sister. The boys decided they wanted to play in it. So I put Gabriel in it on his side, closed the drawer and sat him up. He was giggling and smiling so big. Especially when Dawson or I would peek in through the handle.

He was so excited, Dawson was laughing so hard at Gabriel being in there.

Then Dawson wanted a turn. I seriously had my doubts, I mean how big could this drawer possibly be. But he fit. Barely. He thought it was pretty funny too.

They switched spots, playing peek a boo

Dawson thought it was pretty funny when I'd open the drawer back up. Even looking at the pictures afterward he was laughing so hard he could barely catch his breath.

Look at me!

You wouldn't think that could possibly be comfortable, but he was giggling the whole time! I didn't let him stay in there for very long though. It was apparently more comfortable once he was upright.

Gabriel looking at Dawson in the box. Dawson was in fits of giggles looking at this one and seeing his hand inside the box. Not sure why we bother with toys when boxes are this much fun. ;)

Dawson has been playing in the sinks lately and making a big mess, so for an hour before school I let him have some sensory time in the bathtub. I promised him no "bath" since he hates getting his hair washed, but this was just to have fun in the water. He loved it! I put those ball pit balls in the tub too and he loved moving them back and forth in the water.

Dawson had a great session with his therapist today and a fun evening playing Wii bowling. His newest show he watches is Sid the Science Kid. He got it for Christmas and seems to like it. This evening he woke up and was upset but did go back to sleep after some hugs and kisses. Seemed like he might've had a dream or something.

I got some videos of the boys tonight. This is one of Gabriel's favorite things to do lately as far as imitating goes. http://youtu.be/5WokbHV4V7I

Gabriel claps and imitates a couple sounds now! Dawson also spells his name. http://youtu.be/62tAnQLowW4

Gabriel clapping and the boys interacting. It looks like Gabriel fell, but he just went down the slide on his legs and I caught him. http://youtu.be/YXvRbfnK7aA

Dawson singing his ABCs and Twinkle Twinkle. http://youtu.be/uqdoPQDO3UQ

Hopefully tomorrow won't be too hard of a day. 2/2/12 marks 3 months without Tyler.

Overwhelmed

2012-01-31T23:56:00.002-06:00

Monday was overwhelming. I was shaken up from a nightmare I had that night, which wasn't a great start to my day. When Tyler was sedated, it would sometimes wear off a bit and he'd wake up and start fighting his tubes and thrashing around. In my dream he had died and was at the funeral home, but he woke up and tried getting out but they wouldn't let him. I know this is partially just that experience of the sedation and also that grief of wanting him to come back. Wondering if he could've healed had we given him longer. Of course that answer is no, there's no medical possibility for it, everyone agreed without a doubt that he was far too gone to bring him back. Yet it's still a thought we sometimes think, and then have to reassure myself that it was the right thing to do. It's not even as much doubting myself and the decision as it is just wishing things were different, which is beyond our control.

We did have some happy potty news, Dawson was dry all night for the 2nd night in a row! He also took off his diaper and went potty right away on his own! I was daring Monday night and sent him to bed in underwear. He stayed dry all night and went right away in the morning! Tonight he's in a diaper though, since I'm not sure what his new laxitive will do.

We headed out for a mom's club playdate at 10am and Dawson did great! He requested bringing his LeapFrog handheld toy which he played with in the car and asked for about 15 minutes into our playdate. When he gets overwhelmed he does well going to that familiar thing to let him escape for a bit and have some time to himself. We also did some 2-piece puzzles. They had a letter on one half and a picture with the word on the other half and he had to match them up. He did great! Even when a girl his age decided to come join the fun he didn't try to push her away like he often does. He actually looked at her and was goofing around a little. It was really great to see. He lasted the entire 2 hours of the playdate this time. The first time he only stayed about 45 minutes before getting very overwhelmed. I saw him give a little boy a truck, but then he took it back away from him. He shoved a child but then gave him a hug and kiss without me asking him to. He saw the child looking sad and realized what he'd done. That's such progress!

After the playdate we put the benefit checks in the bank and since we were over there we stopped at the Short Stay clinic where we took Tyler for many appts. Everytime we could do something in town we went there, they worked with Children's. I gave them back our special VIP parking pass and saw the Child Life lady, but everyone else was very busy today. I was so bummed, they asked me to come sometime and it was tough going in there, but I'm glad we stopped by and that was just another little thing I'd been meaning to do. I brought Dawson to school afterward and had a chat with his teacher. It's great having someone who knows so much about the suppliments and gluten-free diet. She told me where to go for certain things so I decided to head to Cashwise afterward.

The Natural Foods section is part of the grocery store that I never thought I'd be walking through. I always called it "the expensive section". It sure is! Looking at all the foods there was just overwhelming. Some were gluten free but not everything. Thankfully they were nicely marked by the store and often on the boxes. The prices were just crazy, I'm used to shopping thrifty and suddenly I'm looking at a tiny $4 loaf of bread, or a $3.69 box of only 6 waffles. I'm just trying to remind myself we'll have that disability help for his expensive diet! Not only the price though, but just realizing how many things have gluten and how limited we are is tough. Only he will be on the diet, so things that Gabriel eats, like animal crackers, Dawson can't have but he asks for them. So it should be interesting.
Tuesday started out great. We made it to MOPS on time and had a nice discussion. The kids did great in the childcare rooms and I left emotionally refreshed and ready to tackle the day. We got home, got the kids some food and then I got really tired. Gabriel had woken up last night, first time in a very long time so I really can't complain. He seems to be teething again and just miserable. He spent the rest of the night in our bed, so I didn't get great sleep. He tossed and turned, didn't want to go back to bed, but wanted to sleep. He'd sleep for a while but I wouldn't because it was an uncomfortable position. When I moved, he'd wake up. It was just one of those nights. We were both tired and ended up falling asleep on the couch after he nursed. Dawson was watching his cartoons and all was peaceful. I woke up at 12:44. Crap! Dawson's bus comes at 12:42. Gabriel was sound asleep too and needed his nap so bad. I layed him in his crib and had Dan come in to be with him so he could sleep while I took Dawson to school. I was really kicking myself!

I seem to be jinxing myself a lot lately! Yesterday I told a friend that Gabriel hadn't woke up in the middle of the night for many months. This morning I told people that my day was off to a great start. Perhaps I need to stop bragging! ;)
A couple examples of gluten-free foods. Waffles.

He likes baked goods, so I thought I'd try some cheese muffins.

He wanted more pictures so we did that for a while. They love playing with this house!

Gabriel is just the right size for the house.

Cube slide!

Gabriel loved being on the cube slide.

This boy is too cute!

Dawson wanted a picture with his Toy Story characters. He's just starting to watch some full feature movies now. Other than Cars he really hasn't, but he likes Toy Story and then he realized we happened to have some of the toys already.

One of his favorite toys.

He was trying to frown at me, but it's hard to frown and look serious when you're trying not to smile. ;)

Well I guess we aren't done with meds anymore. Here I thought we'd left that life behind, but it found us again. Hopefully Dawson's suppliments will help get and keep him healthier . The bottle on the left is Gabriel's vitamin, he had low hemoglobin so he needs an iron suppliment. The next one is Herb-Lax, recommended by Dawson's teacher. It's supposed to more naturally regulate the digestive system, clean out the gluten and keep things going. It smells nasty though, I'm going to have to get creative with getting him to take that. It smells like alfalfa and sure enough, it was one of the ingredients! The blue bottle is the Omega3 Fish Oil. Purple bottle is a multi-vitamin. Yellow is Melatonin to help with sleep. Green box is the probiotic powder packets. I was giving it all at bedtime but I'm going to start spacing them throughout the day to make it less overwhelming at night. I don't want him to really hate taking things! I'm afraid he might already start fighting me now because giving him the Herb-lax in just water tonight was a bad reaction. Before that he was always willing to take his stuff.

We got to go skating tonight, was nice to get out and chat with friends. I've been slacking on the exercise lately, but have noticed just from eating better I lost another 2 pounds, totaling 9 pounds lost in almost 3 months.

I can't believe these were taken a year ago. Seems like just yesterday! In reality, we had the new year, his birthday, new baby, then back to the hospital for the next 7 months. So most of the year was taken by the hospital. I hate that he suffered so much time inpatient. This is the time period in which I like to remember him. That year of fun, happy times during maintenance chemo when he was able to be at home. I love this mischievious little boy!

I also miss this contagious smiley face! I can't believe tomorrow is February already. About 40 minutes and I get to flip the calendar to that dreaded month that is Tyler's birthday. The big milestone that everyone says is so hard to get past once losing a child. I wish we didn't have to be facing this so soon.

Benefit

2012-01-28T23:53:00.000-06:00

Today was our spaghetti dinner and auction benefit that's been in the works for a few months. We had a great time! 101 auction items, and most things were paired up in baskets and stuff, so there were easily 1,000 items and gift cards there. It was fun watching people try to outbid their friends in the silent auction and have a lot of fun with it. They had a live auction for the big ticket items and that brought in a lot too. The biggest item was a Winchester rifle that went for $900! Overall we made $5,275. I got to meet some great people who have been following our story too. Everyone worked so hard to make this happen, people are so amazing. Dawson and Gabriel stayed at home with a friend and I was very glad they did! I'm sure they would've been bored after the first 10 minutes and we were there for 5 hours. I did get to play with a couple kids while parents looked over things. Thank you everyone who came and everyone who has been so supportive to us through all that we've been through. You have all helped make this journey a little easier on us.
The boys were excited to see we brought home some balloons

The poster boards I brought. It's sad to realize that there are 4 more pictures here than months Tyler lived.

Thank you again to everyone who donated to our paypal previously. I've been buying some things online with it and it's been so helpful! The other day I just got 4 boxes of diapers for Gabriel. I bought in bulk so I could get the free shipping. Won't have to buy more for a while. The boys love the box too. Dawson climbs in and closes himself in it. Once playing in the empty box gets old, I'm going to turn it into a ball pit until it's no longer usable. :)

Relieved

2012-01-27T23:48:00.003-06:00

Dawson had a rough start to his morning today. He slept in, unusual for him. His therapist got here at 9am and I told him to get up for 3rd time. He kept trying to lay back down and was pressing his eyes close, whispering something over and over. I got closer and heard what he was saying. "go see Tyler". I think he'd been dreaming about him and wanted to go back to sleep to see him again. At 10am I had a home visit meeting with Dawson's teacher and we were talking about his GI issues and she was starting to describe some things and said "i hope I don't gross you out". I assured her that nothing she said could possibly gross me out after what I've seen! She was very happy with the suppliments I've started and recommended another one to help clear out the gluten and help his stools be more regular without the help of a laxitive. Hopefully that will work. Autistic kids often can't process things as easily. That gluten, which is in bread products, gets stuck in the digestive tract and starts gunking it up, making it harder for good things to absorb and makes him constipated since there's not as much room in there anymore. I've been reading up on it a lot and they say a lot of the kids crave those carbs that have gluten when they have this problem. Not sure why, but he has always been huge on those things. Changing his diet always seemed like a huge step and a big cost, since gluten-free versions of the foods aren't cheap. I had hoped the laxitive would help, and hadn't really focused on the subject until things settled and I started looking more into it again. The laxitive only helps move things through, but unless he stops eating gluten it will continue. It also gets absorbed into the bloodstream and acts as an Opiate for kids, which is often why they get spacey. His teacher and many people I've read about have said they've noticed big improvements in alertness and behavior, plus better digestive system by changing their diet.

So I was really stressing out about how to start this new thing when I can't affort to shop in the special foods section of the grocery store! Of course I want what's best for him though. Well my answer came yesterday when I got a call from the social security office saying his application for SSI has been approved! I had applied for SSI back in July when I was looking into things before and someone had recommended it. Autistic kids are eligible, especially when they need therapists, special diets and other things. It just takes a while and they need to evaluate how much care and special things each child needs. Not everyone gets it and I had started to lose hope! It's such a relief and now I don't have to hold back on getting him what he needs. After talking to people it was sounding impossible. They want like $6 for a loaf of bread sometimes. His suppliments are about $50 a month and I haven't even looked into the one his teacher mentioned.

We went to MOPS on thursday morning and that went well. Dawson went in the preschool room this time! It was our 3rd MOPS meeting at this one and the first time he was in the toddler room but it was too loud and chaotic for him, so the 2nd time he chose to be in the baby room with Gabriel. This time he was less clingy and decided to join the big kids and loved it. They said he did take a break and played with Gabriel for a while too. They were great about paying attention to his needs and letting him have that break. His therapist will usually be with him during that time, but she's on vacation.

Thursday evening we went to ECFE class. I asked Dawson if I should bring the camera and he said yes. I asked what I should take a picture of (last week he wanted him and Gabriel in the swing) and he said Gabriel. So I got some pictures of Gabriel in the ball pit.

The tongue phase is always so cute

He's learned to spit too. It was particularly fun when he did it to me at lunch with carrots in his mouth.

See my tongue? It's the coolest thing ever and you'll be seeing much more of it for a while. :)

Of course I had to get Dawson too, who loves riding the trikes

He spends a lot of time in the ball pit too

Adorable, happy boy!

I have learned that there are drawbacks to teaching them certain things. I told him to only use 1 square of toilet paper when he pees since he was unrolling it to the floor. Well we went to the bathroom before class and I took the stall next to him. Realized too late that there was no toilet paper in mine! So I thought "hey! Dawson can get me some!" I asked Dawson to get me some toilet paper, and he did. One square. Thankfully once I specified, my second request turned out better. I love how those little things can really make you laugh though. :)

This afternoon we went to a friend's house. She had a baby a month ago and we haven't seen them since just before Christmas. It was so fun seeing her baby, but at the same time it made me realize how big Gabriel has gotten! I was holding them both and Gabriel just looked huge. He was suddenly looking more like a toddler. Another hard thing was seeing her 2 year old. He reminds me of Tyler a bit, the way he says things and his cute cheeks. He's a little younger but about the same size. He was having some trouble sharing toys and decided to cuddle with me for a bit, which is what really got me. Holding someone that size again was emotional. It was nice, but realizing it wasn't Tyler and I won't get to hold him again is just tough. At first it was hard even seeing toddlers, it seemed like they were everywhere I went. Now it's mostly tough seeing moms with 3 boys about the same age. You wouldn't think I'd see many, but it seems like they're everywhere now! Or siblings having fun together and I think of what Dawson has lost. Since I'm posting ball pit pictures, here's a couple more. This was Tyler last winter.

I actually have this one as my desktop pic right now :)

Tomorrow is a big day! Our Spaghetti dinner and auction is tomorrow afternoon/evening. It's been in the works for months and I'm excited to see everyone! Here's the information if anyone is interested. https://www.facebook.com/#!/events/314474225253927/

Hopeful

2012-01-25T23:48:00.002-06:00

This week I'm feeling very hopeful for several things. I forgot to mention our supper at Pizza Ranch on Sunday evening. It was a benefit for my uncle, who's been fighting Leukemia since 2006. Chemo and transplant didn't work and his organs can no longer tolerate the treatments, so they have stopped. We usually don't eat out with the kids, at least nothing more than drive-thru. I came prepared with Dawson's leap frog toy and some crackers with Gabriel. We sat by the buffet and Dawson actually ate some chicken sticks, a breastick and ice cream. He hasn't been a big fan of pizza lately. He had been getting less picky about the foods he ate, but since we've been back home he isn't even eating his usual foods anymore. His list of things he'll eat is very small. So I was happy especially about the chicken sticks since they are a different than usual food for him. Even Gabriel ate the chicken. That boy wants to eat everything. He even found a slice of pizza earlier this week that Dawson had put in the living room. Unfortunately with his milk intolerance, eating all the cheese off it wasn't a good thing for him. I was impressed at how well the boys both sat happily eating, even after they were done they didn't get fussy. Dawson asked for his leap frog toy and Gabriel just didn't want to stop eating. Dawson even took a potty break while we were there and stayed dry the whole evening. For the first time since having children I actually left the restaurant thinking "wow, we should do that again sometime". Usually my thoughts are more like "so THAT'S why we haven't done this in almost a year!". ;)

Dawson's potty training is going so well. He's been having 1 accident a day these last couple days. Yesterday he stayed dry at school but had an accident on the bus. He has an hour long bus ride though. Today he was having some cramping and constipation issues, so I gave him his laxitive and he had an accident from that. Autistic kids are often very difficult to potty train because of the GI issues with needing laxitives and not being regular. I started him on a Probiotic today with hopes that it will help out his digestive system. It's just a suppliment that helps balance the healthy bacteria and keeps the digestive system healthier. He's also on a regular vitamin and I just started a kid's fish oil/omega3 suppliment (helps with brain development and behavior). He's missing so many nutrients with his picky appetite, so hopefully that will help get him those essential things.

The Melatonin has been doing great, he goes to bed without any problems now and wakes up in a great mood. I've been putting him to bed in a diaper, but in the morning he gets up and immediately goes to the bathroom. He gives me his diaper and asks for underwear. I love that he's so ambitious about this now! We went to a few stores the other day and he used all the bathrooms and did great. When we were at Walgreens I was looking at vitamins and he suddenly said "potty!", and he chanted "pee in the potty!" all the way to the back of the store. The other moms just smiled. You can always tell who's been there and who hasn't by the look on their face. He does so awesome at staying by me too. Before I wouldn't have attempted standing around looking for vitamins without a cart. Now he just stood right next to me and waited patiently. He's growing up so fast!

Speaking of growing up, I signed Dawson up for Kindergarten today! He's been in the school system for 2 years now and riding the bus for over a year but Kindergarten seems so official. They have a fuller schedule than I thought too, all day, everyday! He did great with that schedule at the Autism Center though, so I'm not worried. He will love it. Changing schools is scary though. I've had 2 kids in Special Ed at the preschool, gone to ECFE classes and support groups. I call the school and ask for Dawson's teacher and I don't even need a last name, they just know me. I walk in and can't even make it to his classroom without someone talking to me. A couple times it's been people who've heard about me but never met me before but they've followed our story. The whole place has been so supportive and I don't want to leave them behind! I saw Tyler's teacher today. She came to our place to work with him an hour a week and has always followed his story too. She had taken a 30 minute video of me working with Tyler because of a new program someone wanted to try out. So this video was sent to another state to be looked at, along with hundreds of others from different schools. The person didn't know of Tyler's illness, but chose a clip out of his video to use as an example! I love that he will continue to help people and his memory will be passed on to people, even if they might not realize what his story is and that he's no longer with us. She also thinks there might be a 2nd video that she hadn't given me yet. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to! I love finding footage of Tyler that I didn't know I had. Even though I have many videos, it suddenly will never seem like enough.

Gabriel has been doing good, he's clapping toys together now and trying more obstacles. He somehow managed to get into his bin of balls the other day. I never heard a thump or anything, suddenly I heard he was playing with the balls and assumed he tipped it over. I went in there to find this.

He was quite pleased with himself!

Dawson came in and started feeding him fishy crackers

Gave him a kiss

Then started posing for the camera. I could post the rest of them, but he gets pretty goofy and I'm pretty sure nobody wants to see his tonsils, or up his nose. :)

He wanted Mater in the picture too and he was waving Hi. He's been playing with some Cars things lately, which he had been avoiding before. He's getting a bit more comfortable with it now.

Today I was thinking of some fond memories. Sometimes they bring tears, but today they made me smile. Even though I miss him like crazy. His cute, mischievious giggle and smiles.

The way he'd look at me when he was nursing.

His constant begging for food when his appetite finally picked up. Seemed like we lived in front of the fridge some days. :)

I miss having 3 little munchkins to cuddle each morning. There's such an obvious gap now and the craziness that was our life with 3 little boys is so different. We still have 2 boys worth of crazy left, but it's so quiet here now. The constant giggles and rough play have stopped and the silence is often too much.

Back to School

2012-01-23T23:59:00.001-06:00

Dawson was very happy to be going back to school today. After 9 days at home we were all feeling cooped up and needed a break. Dawson was having behaviors, screaming and just having a tough time with things. It's hard when routine is broken. I've never seen him get ready for school faster, he was out the door grinning and looking relieved. It was his first day at school in underwear and I was shocked to see him come home in the same pair of pants! He stayed dry the entire time. So awesome! He's had a bit of a setback at home, but we'll get there. Being dry at school was such a huge deal, so I was just happy about that. I underestimated him. He was happy to see his therapist this afternoon too.
Gabriel is quickly jumping into toddlerhood and all the joys that come with it. He has now found the garbage and recycling in the cabinets under the sink. He has quite an appetite too, he had 3/4 of a banana in one sitting today! He's imitating more sounds today too.

Dawson was much more relaxed and easy to get along with this evening. He grinned and said he was happy, as he jumped up and down. He was even playing with Gabriel and making him giggle. I haven't taken many pics lately since Dawson usually has no pants. When I put pants on him, he seems to forget about the potty trainnig, though since he did good in school I'm going to work on adding pants again. The red on his leg is marker. I guess his leg makes a good drawing board. As does the bathroom wall.

Gabriel just adores his big brother. I love the way he looks at Dawson. He giggles at everything Dawson does, it's so cute.

Dyed my hair for the 2nd time. It's lighter than my natural color, but not a lot. I didn't want to stray too far from normal.

The Brave Little Soul

2012-01-21T23:20:00.004-06:00

Just a short update today, I mostly wanted to share this little story. We are all feeling much better today, though I re-sprained my ankle a bit last night, it's already feeling much better too. It will be sensitive to re-injury for quite a while unfortunately. We've had some potty training frustrations, it seems that being sick has given Dawson a bit of a setback, but at least he's still interested. It was another laid back day. Gabriel is still working on his hand clapping and even imitated a new word! "ba" for ball. So exciting, he's just soaking things up like a sponge these days. :)

I read this in November shortly after Tyler died. It's a different perspective. Tyler was such an amazing little boy that it often does seem like he was a gift given to us for a short time. He really did affect so many people in the short time he was here.

The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. He especially enjoyed the love he saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day he saw suffering in the world. He approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?" God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," he asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone." The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain himself. With his wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied. "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you". God and the brave soul shared a smile, and then embraced.

In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed." Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through his suffering and God's strength, he unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys, some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

No Rest for the Weary

2012-01-20T23:41:00.001-06:00

I had high hopes for this week, a couple days off school, planned to host a Scentsy party, meet with Dawson's teacher and get out in public and work on potty training with Dawson.

Tuesday did go well, my sister came over as planned and we had fun. She dyed my hair again since my mostly gray roots were really showing. We all went to the mall afterward for some fun. I had a gift card, so I actually looked for clothes, for myself! I did end up with a shirt and necklace. Potty training in public didn't go so well. He did sit on the toddler potty in the mall, but didn't go. He wet his pants about a minute later and didn't care. He has been staying dry at home though.

We went to the play area in the mall afterward for Dawson. There were many kids there. When Dawson was learning to walk, I got so annoyed at those kids who ran around and knocked people over and didn't watch where they were going. Well I quickly realized that I now have the child who's running around and not watching where he's going. Even worse, he was pulling on their clothes and trying to tackle them, shoving them and just going crazy. This his where his lack of social skills and his Autism really show. Of course most people have no clue, there being no physical characteristics, so they just look at him as an out of control child. We pulled him aside each time and talked about being gentle and not pushing, etc, but it was loud and crazy and after he passed the first child nicely it seemed my instructions had already been forgotten. He doesn't realize that just because he and Tyler would play rough doesn't mean he can do that with other children. He also doesn't understand boundries and personal space. He will get up in someone's face, just about touching noses and growl at them. We took turns battling the madness of wild running children to get to him to redirect. We let him play long enough to get some energy out and let Gabriel nurse before going home. I think after a longer than normal weekend, he really needed to run off some energy. It's been too cold to take walks outside lately.

Tuesday night I got hit by a cold. It's crazy how fast they can come on. By bedtime I had a bad headache and plugged sinuses. I knew I was in for a long day. Sure enough, my head was so stuffed I could barely move without being dizzy. The kids got colds too, seemed to show up around the same time. They both woke up crabby and an hour earlier than usual. We pretty much had a movie day and lounged around.

Thursday had quite an interesting start. I was woken up 2 hours earlier than usual by Gabriel who was stuffed up and hungry. I brought him back to bed to nurse. About 20 minutes later Dawson came to the side of my bed and puked on it. 15 minutes later he had diarrhea all over the hallway. Poor kid looked horrified. He'd been doing so well staying dry and messes were starting to really bother him. I kept telling him it was ok and not his fault. He seemed more relieved once it was cleaned up. Thank goodness for buying that carpet cleaner, we've used it many times just this week. We have very light tan carpet too, it's hard to keep clean. We canceled school, therapy, teacher meeting and Scentsy party. Was feeling pretty down about this week. I haven't exercised in 3 days either, just haven't felt the energy or motivation at all.

This morning I woke up thinking today has got to be better than yesterday. I guess that depends on what you prefer cleaning up. Today it was toilet water, about 1/4 inch covering the entire bathroom floor. Dawson had unrolled the entire toilet paper roll and tried flushing it several times. I heard flushes, he does that a lot, he'll pee a little and flush it and repeat until he's done. It drives me nuts but he can't be convinced to wait until he's done. Then I heard water splashing and hurried to the bathroom to find the standing water with a baby happily sitting in the middle of it splashing and having a great time. Dawson was standing next to the toilet with this guilty look on his face. I removed Gabriel and got his clothes off while I yelled for Dan to come help me out. He arrived and Dawson said "oh dammit". Apparently he already knew what Daddy's reaction was going to be! He hasn't copied a swear word before though. Thankfully he hasn't said it again either. I admit I had to fight the urge to laugh, as those words sound so funny coming from his cute little voice. We ignored it though, as he really obsesses about things we make a big deal out of. We got the bathroom mopped up and thankfully had a fairly restful day.

Gabriel had a pretty good day. He figured out how to clap and he's pretty proud of himself. He's been practicing often. He also figured out how to really get into something. He already knew how to open and shut cupboard doors, but today he really took a look inside and thought it would be fun to start taking things out. I'm really in denial that toddlerhood is right around the corner! In a way I'm really just not ready for Gabriel to take over the things Tyler was doing, and to pass up his age. I know we have a ways to go for that, but he already seems so close sometimes. I couldn't resist getting a picture. He was so proud of himself. I called his name and asked him what he was doing and he just grinned.

I'm still a bit nervous about his hemoglobin. I know they said not to worry, but I can't help it. He's on vitamin drops with iron now and we won't find out until his 1 year appointment the end of March if it's gone up. Sometimes it can take a while to go up though. Things like this make me worry. Tyler was always falling asleep in toys and things. Gabriel really falls asleep easier than he used to. He is very active when he's awake though.

It's been just over 2 1/2 months without Tyler and things are very different. It feels like he is a distant memory, even though it's really not been that long at all. I'm afraid of losing memories, the way he did things, said things and the sound of his voice. Every now and then I'll think of something, or someone will say something and I realize I had almost forgot and this panic just washes over me. Some days it feels like Tyler was just a dream. I don't understand why, we spend 2 1/2 years with him and only a few months without. I go back and look at pictures and it all comes back. Sometimes the good memories, and sometimes I just realize the bad, all that he suffered in his short life here. It's really just not fair. I really try to focus on the happy things though, we did have a fun year at home. I sure do miss this cute little boy.

I'm always amazed at people and how much they care. I guess when people say they'll never forget Tyler, I often wonder how long that will last. Well I just got this pic sent to my email, of a tatoo a friend got in honor of Tyler. Wow.

Record Low

2012-01-17T23:58:00.013-06:00

It's been a difficult week since I last posted. I sunk further down until I could barely function. I had a hard time getting out of bed, had no motivation to get off the couch either. I was doing the bare minimum and wasn't even eating much, I just had no appetite. My self esteem was sinking too. So I talked to some friends who lost their children also and they said it's very normal to need some help. Depression often sets in and it hard to get out of on your own. I talked to the Dr who gave me a questionaire and ended up giving me meds for it. I felt even more defeated, like I'd failed and given up. Thankfully my friends reminded me that accepting the help of meds is not a sign of failure, but a sign of being strong enough to accept help and do what's best for me, my kids and my family. So I try to think of that when I'm feeling down about it.

They told me it might take up to 2-4 weeks for the meds to fully kick in and do their job. I was feeling the difference in just a few days though. The bad thoughts went away and I started feeling more motivated, more alive. I'm thankful to know such caring people who were willing to share their experiences and help me out. Dr also says exercise is an important part of this. I've been working on weight loss anyway, so I now have one more reason to make sure to get that workout in each day. I do 30 minutes on the Wii Active game. It's actually quite a tiring workout, but it feels good getting it done.

On Friday I started potty training Dawson again. We had put it on hold until we had a more stable lifestyle again since he regressed while we were in the hospital. He's doing great! We went from diapers to underwear. He never cared if he was wet or not, he'd go all day being wet if I'd let him, so I was worried how it would go. He didn't like the leaky underwear though, and quickly learned that he needs to use the toilet to keep from making a mess. We're on Day 4 of potty training now and he's been dry the whole time he's at home, which was most of the day. We went to the mall with my sister and he didn't seem to care about the potty there. It will be a lot more work, but I'm happy with how far he's come just at home!

We are getting out of the house again. I helped a friend move on Saturday, which felt great both for the exercise and just helping someone makes a person feel good. I'm also hosting a Scensy party this friday at 6:30pm. Here's the event info if anyone is interested https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1074858544&ref=tn_tnmn#!/events/307024866007380/

These are pics from ECFE class on Thursday night. Dawson liked playing with the animal train. It was good to see them get out and have some fun.

They love the ball pit

When I told Dawson we were going to class, he said he wanted to swing with Gabriel. He did this every week with Tyler and it was their favorite thing. It was bittersweet doing this again. Dawson jumped right into it and started smooching on Gabriel for pictures. He likes seeing pictures right away after I take them, so he's pretty motivated to do things for pictures. Sometimes they are goofy faces, but he does some pretty cute stuff too! Gabriel loved being in there with Dawson too, he just cuddled right up to him.

Ups and Downs

2012-01-11T23:32:00.006-06:00

It's been a rollercoaster week. Seems to be the norm these days. I have great moments and depressing moments. Thankfully they are usually just moments, or most of a day, but not everyday. Writing helps me keep track of things and makes it more clear how I'm really doing, by thinking back and remembering these things.

Gabriel loves baths! He watches the tub fill.

Dawson saw all the fun Gabriel was having and started to climb in with him, PJs and all. I told him to get undressed if he wants to go in the bath with Gabriel. At the word "bath" he quickly said NO! and ran out of the room. He peeked back in and I told him no bath, just play. Then he was interested and cautiously got undressed and into the tub. He'd gotten a bath earlier in the day, but nothing beats fun in the tub with a brother. :)

Gabriel is wearing more of the clothes in Tyler's dresser these days. Now he fits his PJs too.

Cuddly clean boys!

Gabriel wasn't holding still and Dawson thought it was funny.

Love this pic! They are getting so attached.

Uh oh!

He gave up the fight and decided to join him instead. :)

Somebody found BUTTONS! He now turns off the tv often, or hits the menu button and starts changing channels. Dawson usually beats me to him and hauls him away from the tv. I love Gabriel's face when he does that, he's so amused and just thrilled that he got his brother's attention.

I love this sweet face!

Love this shirt, got it at the hospital pharmacy gift shop after Tyler relapsed. Sometimes I get this overwhelming urge to get a picture of him, realizing that what I have is all I'll ever have. Thankfully I have a lot of pictures, but knowing I won't see him grow up with his brothers is just tough. I don't dwell on it most days, but some days are just hard. So I got a couple pics of "him" to try to satisfy the urge. It didn't help too much, but at least I got to show off my shirt.

A close up of the painting on the wall.

Last night I had an interesting dream. I went to get something out of a safe in an empty building and suddenly Tyler was there. He pulled out a box from the safe that had unopened letters in it. It was like he was telling me there are more people thinking about us than I realize. Then he gave me a hug, which felt so real! I could even smell him. What was weird is that he looked like he did in the ICU, only he was awake and walking. The smell was of the ICU too, not a great smell, but of meds and dying skin. I was holding him and talking, though I felt like he was doing more reassuring than I was. Suddenly I was awakened by a loud scary sound. I jumped out of bed, expecting something to be on fire or something. Our microwave the night before suddenly started making tons of sparks, so I had that in mind. I looked in the kitchen and realized it was the refridgerator motor. It had done that a couple times before, but never that loud! Sounded like it was working very hard and about to go out. I peeked in at the kids too before going to bed and it had stopped by the time I got back to bed. I was so bummed about being woken from my dream, but I couldn't really fall back asleep. I called the manager and he is bringing in another fridge tomorrow.

These last few days have been tough. I've been on an Infant Leukemia facebook group since just after Tyler was diagnosed and they've been so supportive to me. Well now one of the kids that was diagnosed in 2010 and relapsed shortly after Tyler is having a tough time. She's 27 days past her transplant. She recently got pneumonia, coded and was revived and brought to the ICU where she's on a breathing machine. Seeing the picture of her, in the same setting Tyler was in, with such grim odds is so hard. I've always felt so bad for parents when they lose their child, but actually knowing what it feels like and having been there just makes it 100 times worse. I wish she was closer so I could go be with her as she sits around and hopes her daughter will make a tiny bit of progress today. If anyone wants to leave her a message, her caringbridge is http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/paxtenpearson.

Tomorrow I go back in to the Dr. I've had an infection for a while and it keeps coming back, or the meds don't quite get rid of it. Now I'm having other symptoms and I'm not sure if they could be related or not. I called my Dr today and he said to come in for an appt tomorrow. Hopefully it's not something serious. After dealing with cancer, it seems like even small symptoms you tend to jump to the worst conclusions. Maybe it's just stress doing weird things again. I know I have a lower immune system due to being stressed and grieving.

On Tuesday I did get back to skating. Took it slow and it went just fine. We mostly go to chat with friends anyway. My ankle is a little sore now and then, they did say it would be a little sore for quite a few months, but for the most part I can do many things now.

Dawson is really doing good with his therapists. He's getting the hang of things and is more cooperative with them. They've been working on some word pronunciation, matching and pairing objects and turn taking. He started eating Life cereal now and we find it amusing when he asks for "more wifes" instead of Life. Tonight he really took an interest in spelling. He was spelling his name out loud and then asked me to "spell mommy", so I told him and he asked me again, then repeated it himself. We also spelled Daddy, Gabriel and Run. He asked for Gabriel quite a few times. It's so exciting to see him wanting to learn.

Gabriel has been cruising furniture and really getting around. I'm thinking he'll be walking by his birthday! A WIC appt showed his Hemoglobin was low, so I'm going to see what the Dr wants to do with that tomorrow also. I'm hoping to get more labs for peace of mind. Lots of things to do and places to go tomorrow, so hopefully I'll have more energy and enthusiasm then I've had these past few days!

Sweet, Relaxing Sunday

2012-01-08T23:54:00.000-06:00

Today was one of those days where I had goals, but I slept in. Then things kept getting pushed back until I realized the day was over and nothing got done. We did sell some tires and go for a nice 2 mile walk though. We took a trail that was off the tar path and went closer to the river. Unfortunately my camera chose that moment to run out of batteries! The views were awesome. I kept telling myself that I can just get pictures next time. I did get this one though, another view from the regular tar path. Our apartment is quite a bit further from the river than this, the path leads closer. Thankfully there's a big field and small woods between us and the river.

To save my back this time, Dan put air in the double jogger stroller tires and we used that. Dawson protested a little bit since he'd prefer a ride on my back, but did end up enjoying himself once he was tired.

Gabriel decided this was a good spot to take a nap this morning.

Busted with cookies! He didn't even eat these cookies, he just licked the frosting off most of them. Little stinker!

I gave a couple of the dry ones to Gabriel. He was quite happy. His first bit of chocolate.

I'd say he liked it! :)

Trying to find Motivation

2012-01-07T23:34:00.033-06:00

I haven't had much motivation lately. I've now moved to the depression stage of grief and it's been a rollercoaster lately. Combined with my ankle still sore and an infection making me tired, I haven't been able to do much and I haven't wanted to either. The last couple days have been the hardest. I felt like doing nothing and just had an overwhelming feeling of being alone. It is as they have warned me about. Around this time is when things settle down. The mail has stopped, many less people call or stop by my facebook wall to check on us. For most it was a tragic event, but it is over and they've moved on. For me and all of us in our family, we are not done. We have not recovered and we are still not ok. Each time Dawson acts out with aggression or is on the playground and wanders around looking lost. When Gabriel sits in Tyler's chair at the table, spilling carrots all over the place, I remember how much Tyler loved carrots and made such huge messes. Our routine is different now, our home is quieter and is lacking Tyler's adorable giggles.

Now we struggle with moving on and starting a new life. Some days I'm motivated and optimistic for a good new start. Other days I just don't have the energy for optimism and I'd prefer my old life back, the one with Tyler and all his medical stuff too. I'm still trying to figure out what I need to do. I want to do something, but part of me is worried about starting something and failing. I saw this little poem in one of my grief groups today.

"Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making."

We've had some good times this week. Dan got the Wii set up. We haven't played that since last winter! It was nice playing that again and now Dawson is able to play on it too. He loved it!

He has a very easy game, Reader Rabbit: Preschool. He also has Kindergarten. The preschool one is matching shapes and other fun little games. He also likes the bowling game, but doesn't quite have the coordination down, since you have to push 2 buttons, one on each side of the controller, then swing it back and release both buttons as you swing up. He does either or, but he seems to be getting the idea a little bit. I'm sure he'll be a pro in no time.

It's so cute seeing his name on his projects from school now. This is how he wrote it. I guess we gave him too long of a name. I'm pretty sure the 3 Ss are just from him trying to perfect them. If he doesn't get it right the first time, he must do it again. He's used to his white board or magna doodle, both which are very easy to erase and try again, so he's a little unsure about doing it on paper sometimes.

Today I finally pryed myself out of the house and we went for a walk. It was a really nice day outside. I can't believe this is what winter in Minnesota is looking like! I've never seen a January with no snow. It's so weird!

Gabriel liked being outside too. He wasn't so sure about the shoes at first. This is his first time wearing shoes. We usually just cover him with a blanket in the car since he doesn't walk yet. He looks so big with shoes and jeans!

Dawson was very excited to be going for a walk. He was pointing to the nice view and saying "Look Mommy, water!"

We can see the Mississippi River from our apartment and this trail. It really does make for a peaceful, pretty view.

Look Mommy, rocks!

Dawson: "Look mommy!"
Me: It's a stick.
Dawson: "Fish stick!"
Me: No, just a stick.
Dawson: "No, Fish stick!"
Our absence of last summer is pretty obvious. :(

After about 3/4 mile, Dawson got tired, so I carried him on my back. Thankfully this carrier has a higher weight limit. Carrying an extra 40lbs for 1/2 mile was definitely a workout! I walked 1 1/4 mile today. Felt good! My ankle was just fine, unless I started to run, which I only tried once. I really want to go for a walk everyday if the weather continues to be so nice. I've lost 4 pounds since we got home from the hospital, mostly just from eating better and being more active than the hospital.

We finally got some stuff on the wall! One of the canvas paintings we were given, and it's so nice to have a calendar up now. Dan can see what's going on each day without having to ask me all the time, and I don't have to look at 3 different paper calendars to see when therapy is, school and other things.

We got the HopeKids canvas painting up too.

Since the tree is gone, I set up the cube slide. I bring this out every winter so the kids can play and get their energy out. It was a $20 craigslist find about 3 years ago and has been so nice to have! Storing it is really easy too, all the panels stack up and fit under their bed. Same with that little house we found at a garage sale for $7. Fits right under their bed and even Dawson still loves crawling through there and peeking out at me through the window. He likes his little space back in the corner.

This evening I went to a Dove Chocolate party. It was a nice reason to get out of the house by myself and relax. Can't go wrong with chocolate samples either! It was very yummy. I actually agreed to host a party next month. Will be fun to have some friends over and help someone out with their business too. She was very nice, and a cancer survivor too.

A Year of Dawson

2012-01-02T19:40:00.000-06:00

I wanted to do a 2nd New Year's entry just for Dawson. He's come so far and had a lot happen in the last year. It's too common for siblings of cancer patients to be lost in the shadow of their sibling and we've been working hard to not let that happen! So here is Dawson's year.
January we got a tip from a lady in our Special Ed support group about constipation. Apparently children with Autism commonly have bowel issues. He was becoming irritable, not eating, etc. After hearing that we got him to the Dr the very next day and discovered that sure enough, his entire bowels were obstructed. So most of the month was concentrated on bowels. Such a fun topic to think about all day. ;) Thankfully we got him all flushed out and he was a much happier kid!

In February he got moved to the top bunk. In preparations for Gabriel, Tyler was moved out of his crib and into the bottom. Dawson was excited to sleep on the top.

He was a very busy little guy, it was often hard to get pictures of him!

We went to Mall of America and went on rides. Blues Clues was his favorite show at the time!

He loves cooking with mommy! He's so very cautious about the oven and stove, thankfully! Everytime he saw me in the kitchen he would want to stir and help dump ingredients together. We worked on counting and many things.

He loved finding small spaces to sit in.

He was in Occupational Therapy and Speech at home, 1 hour a week, split into 2 sessions. It wasn't going very well, he does better being in the clinic setting, but we couldn't go there with all the germs.

Dawson loved our busy weeks. He went to school Mon, Wed, Thurs for a couple hours a day and rode the bus. We went to Special Ed support groups on both Monday and Wednesday evenings, plus ECFE on Thursday evenings. It was a great opportunity to play with other kids and he loved getting out of the house in the winter.

We also started his diagnosis process. First Neurology, genetics testing, Psychology appointment and that finally brought him to a diagnosis of PDD-NOS. Which is the Autism spectrum, they just didn't know where he was on it. There's Aspergers, Autism and unspecified, all which have different levels to them. This is what they wrote up about him at the beginning of the year. The red is my comments now.

Social Interaction:
Does not appear interested in peers   He now loves having kids over!
Inconsistant / does not respond to his name He always does now!Takes items from adults and peers and does not look at the person He doesn't as much anymore and he does look at people nowPlays by himself, actively avoids situations
Does not imitate when imitation is desired (he will on his own terms, but not when asked)
Responds negatively or walks away from requests or directives Doing much betterLimited joint attention in activities
Unusual eye regard  Much better!

Communication:
Does not use words to communicate wants and needs He uses lots of words now!
May label an item such as car, but not for communicative intent   Much better, he talks about itemsJust started to point to items He not only points, but he asks for things by name too!
Repeats the words of others on occasion
Limited amount of social language (hi-bye) He talks all the time!Limited response to questions, basic wh-questions (who, what, where, why)
Making sounds just for the purpose of making sounds I haven't noticed this in many months!Does not respond to yes/no questions   He does all the time now

Restricted, Repetitive or Stereotypical (of Autism) Behaviors:
Difficulty with unstructured time - wanders   He does well keeping himself busy nowShort attention span Still does, but it's better than it was
Throws objects, sometimes for no apparent reason such as anger I haven't seen that much lately either
Play skills limited to cars, more interested in watching them than driving and playing He has quite a few things he likes playing with now. He actually never plays with cars anymore!Difficulties with transitions, may be resistive to going with schedule Does so much better now!Putting items into his mouth such as stickers He still does but not close to the obsessiveness it was before.
An intense preoccupation with electonical toys or devices He does still prefer his electronic things.
This is why I love blogging! Looking back and seeing all the progress is simply amazing!!

In March he got another little brother! He did much better this time around, having been there before. With Tyler he didn't want to hold the baby or have much to do with him until he was a little more active. He sat right down and accepted holding Gabriel! :)

In April we found out Tyler relapsed and then Dawson's world changed again. His therapies ended, he ended school early. He spent April 24-27th at Grandma's house, then joined us at the hospital on the 28th once we were settled in. He loved being with us!

I had Dawson on the wait list at Children's for therapy, but it was going to be a while, so Dawson spent most of his days with us at the hospital. My cousin Becky came to help with Dawson. I wanted to give him a way to get out of the room without counting on hospital volunteers and other people he didn't know. Someone consistant. So she stayed with us pretty much the whole time, going home some weekends and when we went home. They would play at the RMH in the hospital, the sibling play room and the play room on the cancer floor. It was a huge relief seeing him able to go where he wants and to have fun.

He still loved being in the room with us. He spent lots of time in Tyler's crib watching movies and playing with toys. He was so attached to him and gave lots of hugs.

He also loved webcam chats with Grandma!

Chatting with Grandma

We are part of HopeKids, who provides free events for families going through childhood cancer and other medical things. So we brought Dawson to the races one evening. He loved it!

He even got to sit in the winning car since the HopeKids car won.

We got a day pass from the hospital a couple times and went places like the zoo! He loved the fish.

He also liked the tiger.

In June I took him to another HopeKids event, the movie theater to see Cars 2. Didn't go well at all, the screen/lights overwhelmed him and he couldn't handle it. Didn't even make it through the previews. Some Autistic kids just can't handle movie theaters. I guess he's one of them!

He spent lots of time lounging around the hospital. He loved eating cheese balls, a new favorite.

At RMH he loved the pool table and spent a lot of time playing with it everyday!

At the hospital playroom he loved the Pac-man game. He got very good at it, he can beat most adults!

In July he finally got to the top of the list for Speech Therapy at Children's. He went once a week for an hour and all I had to do was drop him off since I was in the building still. He did great there and learned a lot in the short time he was able to go. He went all month, but in August we had to stop Speech since we moved to the other hospital. He worked on things at home and the hospital with me though. He learned how to write his letters and numbers and picked up on it very fast! With the help of Starfall.com he learned his letter sounds and some simple words too, among other things.

July 11th, Dawson turned 4! He's getting so big!

In August when we were home, he got to go inside a B-17 plane. He loved it!

Got to sit in all the chairs in the plane too.

Back to the hospital! He loved the playroom and was right at home there.

Upside down! A new trick he learned this summer and liked showing off.

He worked on his nursing skills too. He would push the blood pressure machine around and also push the buttons once the nurse got the cuff on Tyler. We tried to include Dawson in as much as possible. The nurses were great about it too.

Dawson was such a huge support to Tyler, whether it be hugs and kisses, or just someone to run and play with. It was always nice having him around.

Dawson realized that Gabriel was getting fun too, smiling and being a little more active.

August was a fun month. At RMH we did Bingo and won lots of fun toys. We were in testing phase for Tyler, so we lived at RMH and just had lots of appointments. So in the evenings we got lots of quality family time. He loved this playhouse they had.

Their bouncy house on Wednesdays was a huge hit.

The playground is only fun when Tyler is there! Otherwise he wanted nothing to do with it and still doesn't know what to do with himself on a playground without his brother to run around and play with.

Such a supportive big brother, Dawson often walked right behind Tyler and was very protective, especially during the times where Tyler was more prone to weak muscles and falling down.

We also got to the county fair, which was a ton of fun!

Dawson got on the ferris wheel for the first time. I was nervous, but he loved it!

Playgrounds! We didn't see many of those this year, but we tried to make the most of it while we were home.

Playing on the computer, one of his favorite pastimes.

Dawson loved Pet Therapy night at RMH.

He also loved GoCart evening on Monday nights. They had some toddler vehicles too.

Got to go back home for a week and he had so much fun. This was their last picture together at home.

Mommy time is always fun

In September, after 2 months of paperwork, phone calls, emails and setting things up, he finally got to start an Autism Therapy program at the MN Autism Center. The Autism Center also did an evaluation and testing and gave him an official Autism diagnosis. He started the same day Tyler was admitted for Transplant, Sept 6th. He went all day, 8:30 to 4:30, Mon-Fri and he did great. Even the first week I saw changes. It was nice for him to be able to get out of the hospital since it was really becoming stressful for him to be in there for so many months as an active 4 year old. He visited us on weekends and after school.

Going to school made it even more fun to visit Tyler since he didn't have to spend all day at the hospital.

Playing at RMH in the leaves. We were having an Autism Center Family Skills session. They came once a week for an hour and I went to meet with them at RMH. We learned what Dawson was doing in school and the ways they do things, so we could do the same things.

One of the things we often did during Family Skills was bowling.

October Pictures! I would often visit Dawson in the evenings after Tyler was intubated. It was usually stressful for Dawson to see him like that, so I'd come visit him instead. It was a de-stressor for me and also so much fun for him.

Dawson was in charge of the elevator buttons. He actually gets upset if someone else pushes them. He knows his way around the hospital and RMH well.

Playing outside

In October I had a friend drive Dawson home from the Autism Center. She had a daughter who is Tyler's age and Dawson loved playing with her. We invited her over to RMH a couple times and it was fun to see him interacting with someone.

November 2nd we lost Tyler. Dawson went to school the next day, he didn't understand what death means and had a good last day of school. They packed up all his things and sent them home with him so we didn't have to go get them. Meanwhile we spent the day packing and preparing to leave RMH. We got back that night and Dawson was happy to be home, though confused. We got him set up to go to school 2 weeks after we got home and it was a smooth transition.

Dawson has been slowly bonding with Gabriel now.

He also has different coping things, like his sensory container of beans and his little ball pit.

As Gabriel gets more active, Dawson has been getting more interested in him.

In December the Autism Center got Dawson's home therapy schedule set up and started coming to our place. He comes home from school at 4:30 and then his therapist stays until 6:30pm. Sometimes they come for an 8:30-noon shift too and he gets on the bus at 12:40. He's loving his therapists and has already been doing well with them. He likes playdough, painting and puzzles, among other things.

Dawson is learning the routine of being at home and is having lots of fun. He does have many difficult moments, but we are taking them one at a time and I think he's been doing well with coping.

Dawson has some new friends to play with too! We swap babysitting nights with someone from my mom's club and he is always asking if the girls are coming over to play.

We have many things in mind for 2012. Hopefully we will be free of medical issues and be able to have fun and explore what childhood should really be about. I'm especially excited for Dawson as Gabriel is going to be walking soon and before we know it they'll be running around together and having fun. So here's to a new year full of growth, hope and optimism!

Start of the New Year

2012-01-01T23:57:00.001-06:00

Today was interesting, we had a little bit of everything. I was unmotivated in the morning, but got a lot done in the afternoon. I cleaned the playroom, sorted several boxes of things left from RMH that were sitting around, went through some papers, took down the Christmas tree, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen counter a bit, put laundry away and helped save an old lady. Not bad for one day!

Dan took out garbage at 11pm this evening and came back complaining about an old lady in the hallway who came out and was telling him he's making too much noise. He said she was still standing there in the hallway. I thought that was odd, so I went down to check it out. She said 3 things to me that made no sense, she was obviously incoherant, then started mumbling and fell before I got to her. Thankfully she didn't hit her head and she was still mumbling. I hobbled back up to get my phone, heard the neighbors were still up, so I knocked on their door since they've been here longer and know the neighbors. Thankfully they knew her and were able to give some more info. The cops got here, I gave them all the info and things I noticed. We did get some info from her too. She hadn't eaten in 2 days and had been drinking and smoking, though I didn't smell anything which is odd for me. I usually have a sensitive nose especially around smoke. Her oxygen was pretty low and they took her by ambulance. I called the resident manager 3 times to come get her door locked but got no answer. Left a couple messages instead. Hopefully I can get ahold of her tomorrow. I hate that the managers aren't on site and never answer their phone! Fun way to ring in the new year. Hopefully we won't be making a habit of the emergency stuff! I'm glad I was able to help though, I doubt anyone else would've been around and out of their apartment at 11pm!

Last night as we rang in the New Year, Dan had just set up our new bed! We slept on the sleep number beds at Ronald McDonald House and Dan loved them. He has a hard time with his back. We tried a Tempurpedic but that one wasn't doing well for him. So we found this one on Craigslist for very cheap.

Bought a topper for it since the Sleep Number bed was a very basic one and had not much for padding, plus it's nice having something new to actually sleep on. It was nice! Hopefully this one will be better for him. We'll be selling the Tempurpedic soon and will probably get more for that than we paid for the new bed. :)

Dawson got several Tag books for Christmas, but no system, so since he had Christmas money we got him the Tag pen last night. He seems to like it.

See! It's a pen that reads and plays character sounds. It's neat!

Popsicles! Dawson decided we should get some. He was so good in walmart so we let him get some popsicles.

Gabriel got a little giraffe squeeky toy with his Christmas money. He loves this thing! Good for teething and only 97 cents in the baby section at walmart.

Dawson wanted a picture with Daddy. :)

Dawson earned a popsicle by sitting on the potty.

Gabriel's infant carseat expired Dec 31st, so we threw it. Was about time to switch him over anyway. I can't believe how they go from being this little....

...to this big in just 9 months! I must've blinked. ;)

So now Gabriel will be using Tyler's carseat. It'll be weird seeing it in the van again, same seat too. There just isn't any other way to do it.

Dawson watched Cars this evening, which is a first since we were in the hospital. It was Tyler's big thing and usually Dawson avoids things like that which remind him of Tyler. He was aggressive and irritable this evening, but somehow the movie calmed him down. It was weird having it playing again. Tyler would watch that movie multiple times each day, especially in the hospital.

Gabriel is really cruising furniture now. Today he walked along the whole couch, stepping sideways. He'll also turn around and go along our little coffee table too. In the kitchen I saw him holding on with just 1 hand and took a couple steps! He's really getting his balance these days. I'm sure he'll be walking by his birthday!

My ankle is feeling a little better. I stopped wearing my air cast around home, it was annoying, so I'm just being careful. If it starts hurting more I'll put it back on. It's nice letting my ankle breathe more though and it's less stiff and sore with it off. I also wanted it off for Dawson, it was really starting to worry him. He'd look at it often with a worried look and I'd try to explain, but I'm sure he saw that Tyler got braces for his ankles just before he died. Since I kept it off today, he didn't appear to think much of it anymore. I just need to get Dawson to stop jumping on it when I'm on the couch. I told him it still hurts a little, but he doesn't seem to think about it. I was able to just put my hand on it when he runs over and that reminded him that he's not supposed to be on it. He's been pretty rambunctious this week with not having school. He goes back Jan 3rd.

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T23:47:00.015-06:00

Our life together so far, in short
2005 - married
2006 - pregnant with Dawson
2007 - had Dawson
2008 - pregnant with Tyler
2009 - had Tyler, then Tyler got diagnosed with Leukemia, inpatient rest of the year
2010 - Tyler in Maintenance, pregnant with Gabriel
2011 - had Gabriel, Tyler relapsed, found out Gabriel is a perfect match, Tyler had transplant, died.
2012 - better be an improvement on the last 3 years, even though we'll be missing our little boy.

I thought I'd do a year in review. Hopefully this won't get too long! The year started out with happy kids and a promise of being done with chemo in June.

Dawson moved to the top bunk

Tyler learned new skills

Tyler turned 2!

The boys got into things and were happy being normal toddlers, at least as normal as one gets on chemo

Prepared for Baby Brother! Van with 3 carseats.

Mom and Gabriel

Then there were 3 cute little boys

I love this pic of Dawson, he held Gabriel on his own and was so gentle!

Happy family of 5

Brought new baby home

Cuddles

Guess what, my brother is a perfect match for me!

Tyler and Gabriel spent a lot of time together. Sleeping with mom in the morning

Nursing and napping on the couch

The night before Tyler's biopsy we took a stroll around the lake

Tyler also broke his leg 2 days before his biopsy

Love my 3 boys

Tyler had relapsed, we spent our last night before the hospital in a hotel, where Tyler watched cars out the window

Inpatient Chemo proved to be a horrible as we'd remembered.

He even got Psychosis

He bounced back and spent lots of time with his brothers. Hospital was boring, but nothing beats having family all around

Plus kisses from Dawson are always awesome

Dan moved our apartment to a bigger 3 bedroom in May, since our lease was up and we had to move due to our expanding family size. Who knew Tyler would only spend 2 weeks at our new place.

Cruising the hallways

Day pass from the hospital! We went to the zoo and had lots of fun. Dawson loved the big turtles.

Tyler just loved seeing daylight again and being in the fresh air. He was so excited!

Happy Father's Day!

Could they possibly be more mean? Staph in the central line meant having IVs on both feet, feeding tube in, oxygen and arm restraints so he didn't pull anything out. Yet he kept smiling. Sometimes.

Whew, that was over and we were discharged for a bit! We did have to do home IV meds though, but it wasn't that big of a deal since Mom already knew that stuff.

Got to check out our new apartment and had a package from Pixar waiting for Tyler! He was so excited.

July 11th, Happy 4th Birthday Dawson!

Back in the hospital. We boys will stick together and tough this out.

Even have a new brother to giggle at, he's getting big enough to smile at us now

Feeling crappy, thank goodness for big brother

Back at RMH, we love being together where it's more comfy and relaxing!

The real transition came with Transplant. To save space here, you can see all his transplant pics here. Plus Dawson and Gabriel too.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2223711627028.2122361.1074858544&type=1&l=07e3a117d0

The 2nd Transplant album

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2299484281297.2124550.1074858544&type=1&l=4851a4d91e

In short, transplant went from testing

To more boring hospital time

Recieving Gabriel's cord blood cells for Transplant

Feeling crappy

Fever

Feeling more crappy, had mouth sores

Intubated in the ICU, just until those mouth sores heal

He was sedated, but sometimes he would open his eyes, it was rare though

Spent 6 weeks in a corner looking at this, the back of Tyler's bed and all his equipment. 16 IV pumps, ventilator, dialysis machine, rescue stuff. And of course Gabriel, who spent his days with me too, knowing nothing but hospital life since a few weeks old.

For the last 6 weeks, this is all we got. No hugs, no holding, no smiles or even sounds. Sometimes even holding his hand, rubbing his head or talking to him would make his stats drop.

Mid October Tyler coded, they saved him but they told us he was probably going to die. We made hand/foot molds, hand/foot print book and signed a DNR notice.

His blood pressure dropped so low that his limbs and brain were no longer getting much blood. The morning of Nov 2nd they told us he had no more pupil response, which indicates brain activity.

As planned, we set up for me to hold him and slowly backed him off on his meds that were keeping him alive. I held him for 3 hours. We even unhooked his breathing tube, and he breathed very small breaths on his own for almost 30 minutes.

Seeing him without tubes, without pain and suffering was a relief, but losing him has been far worse than anything we've suffered through his treatment.

So now we have 2. Gabriel loves being home and learning what home is all about. Dawson is back in preschool and the Autism Center is coming to our home for most of the day when he's not in school. He has come far with his understanding emotions and coping in the last couple months.

It's hard missing a child. The holidays were especially hard. Getting them in the van and realizing there's only 2 carseats in what seems like a very big empty van. It's amazing how big of a hole a little person can leave. Thank goodness for my 2 adorable boys who keep me going each day.

So now we face 2012 with sadness, but also optimism that it will be a better year. Despite missing Tyler we will grow and heal as a family of 4. Gabriel is getting big and strong. He's crawling and cruising furniture. The boys are bonding together and we are all learning our new normal. It's very weird not having appointments all the time, hospital stays, meds to give, etc. I have many goals for the new year and am trying my best to face it with hope and optimism.

Preparing for the New Year

2011-12-30T23:59:00.002-06:00

My ankle is feeling a lot better, I'm surprised it's made this much progress in only 3 days! Yesterday it was still swollen but today it's looking better. I only used crutches the first day, and today I'm actually limping less noticably now. It doesn't hurt much as long as I don't bend my ankle in any direction and keep my air cast on.
Dawson has discovered the Paint game on the computer and has been playing with that. Today he made a smiley face and said "Happy!". I asked him if he could make a sad face and he did! Gabriel started crying and I asked Dawson if Gabriel is happy or sad and he said "Gabriel sad". We've been working on identifying feelings, adding "angry" to the mix.

Gabriel said "Hi" to Daddy today! He's said it a couple times, and it's so cute. He's been fitting into some of Tyler's clothes now, which has been tough. We kept Tyler's clothes in his dresser, knowing Gabriel would be using them soon anyway since they are the next size up from what Gabriel is wearing. Well he's using a lot of the long sleeved shirts and some of the jeans too since the waist fits better.

This evening we went to the cities for something on Craigslist. We went right past the hospital. We've been past once before and it's just very weird. The whole area has memories it seems. Then this evening I turned on the tv, we recently got an antenna and I forget we have it! So I watched a show and the commercials came on and I saw a commercial for Ronald McDonald House. It was so weird seeing the inside of it again. I knew the person who they interviewed too. I was just thinking earlier today about how I'll never see the inside of RMH again. While I hate the reason for being there, it was such a great place.

I also had someone offer to re-do the pictures on my blog since they're old. I was looking for new pics and ended up in Tyler's transplant album on facebook. While taking and adding pictures, it's so gradual. When going back to look and flipping through them, it's horrible to see how much he changed. He went from a happy skinny boy to being puffy and in a lot of pain. Remembering all that he suffered through is so hard and seeing it all (at least most, I didn't get through the ICU pics) was tough. It makes me so sad and angry that he had to go through so much at such a young age. It's not fair.

I'm having mixed feelings about the New Year as well. Last New Years I was excited, 2011 was the year I'd been waiting for since Tyler was diagnosed. The year he was supposed to be done with treatment and move on to a happy long life. I certainly didn't expect to be here. Now as the next year approaches I'm not sure how I feel. Leaving 2011 behind in some ways makes everything seem more final. Instead of "my son died last month", it will be "last year". That just sounds so weird. We're also coming up on 2 months on the 2nd, so that's not helping me be excited for the New Year either! Hopefully 2012 will bring comfort and peace.

Happy 9 Months Gabriel!

2011-12-28T22:22:00.005-06:00

Monday we had a very fun day. We got some more toys out of their packages (I'm spreading out the fun) and Dawson opened his Leap Frog Explorer game. He loves it! There's a pet to feed, letters to trace, train tracks to line up and many fun games. We got the Leap School Reading game that has a lot in it and the Jewel train free just for buying the system. It's been a nice incentive tool as well. He hit me and got it taken away for 5 minutes. He sure didn't like that but he didn't hit again. We sat there and counted down the minutes and talked about hitting. He also put together his 24 piece puzzle, 4 times! He needs a lot of help, but is getting much better at noticing colors and details in the picture to line up. His patience has really improved a lot since last spring too! We played Uno Moo a couple times and he liked that too.

Tuesday we met up with some friends from Dawson's online playgroup. We usually get together once a year at least. This time we had a friend from New York fly in to see family here, so we had a special playdate so we could all meet her. Dawson got to play his Leap Frog Explorer on the way down since it was an hour drive. He loved having something to do in the car. He got overwhelmed by the number of kids and they were also playing with cars, which he usually tries to avoid anything that reminds him of Tyler. So he really started acting out. I asked him if he wanted his LeapFrog and he said yes. He sat on the couch and played that for a while, I could tell he was very relieved to have something to focus on. We had lunch, played some more and headed out. Gabriel wanted to nurse, so we were the last ones out.

I was carrying Gabriel and the diaper bag and missed a step in the sidewalk that I forgot was there. I rolled my foot sideways and fell to my knees. I probably could've corrected had I not been holding Gabriel, but instead I fell to my knees. Gabriel thankfully never touched the ground or anything. My ankle hurt bad and I got dizzy. My friend took Gabriel from me and I managed to get back into the house. Took some ibuprofin, drank some water and the dizzy feeling was gone, so decided to head out again. The vibrating from the car was really hurting the ankle, but otherwise I was fine. It's interesting how you never notice the vibration of a vehicle until it hurts really bad. I did the same thing when I was in high school, only it wasn't a step. It felt different this time. It hurt when I pushed right on the bone, so I thought it might be broken. Decided to head in just incase. The clinic had no appts available, so I had to go to the ER. I later found out there's an Urgent Care right by our new place! Figures. We had a skating date night planned for that night, so I called the sitter and asked if she could take the boys early so I could head to the ER. She did, so I stopped by home and got my crutches, dropped the boys off and went in. I was so glad I had those crutches because the ER parking was full, Valet was closing and I had to park in the ramp and walk, which is a bit of a hike especially when you're in pain. They had 5 people in front of me. I got there at 4:30 and left at 7. I was put in the same room we got with Tyler one time.

It was hard being back in a hospital, only with no child to cuddle. The tv didn't work and I ended up taking a short nap. I woke when the nurse came in, she was surprised anyone could sleep with the screaming person across the hall. Xrays showed no break, but she said a sprain is usually worse than a break and could take up to 6 months to completely feel better. She said to take it easy. Meanwhile I'm wondering how many weeks of skating I'm going to miss! I was told to use crutches when it hurts, ice and elevate it as much as possible. Did my typical Mom thing and just said ok while thinking "that's never going to happen!". Can't carry a baby with crutches. Can't rest with a toddler. Plus I have a flight of stairs to get up when I get home! Grabbed some taco bell since I missed supper, picked up the boys and headed home. Dan was at his parent's house with a vehicle apart, so he couldn't come help me since he had a 2hr drive. I felt a sense of calm though, I knew help would be there when I got home. I got in the door just as a mom and her 4 year old girl was saying goodbye to her parents. The little girl saw us and opened the door. The mom saw me hobbling along carrying Gabriel and offered to help us up the stairs. So she carried Gabriel up, was a huge help!

We got home and Gabriel discovered the big box that was outside our door when I came to get the crutches. He was very excited about it.

Wow, more toys! Even gift cards too. Looks like we get an Applebees date and some Target shopping! Thank you AshleyCan Foundation! http://www.ashleycan.org/

Trucks with buttons!

They love this bubble maker. It's a bath toy, but I put it on the dishwasher so they could play with it. They played with this thing for about an hour!

Gabriel is getting so big!

Dawson thought it was very funny to run back and forth and see what the pictures looked like as I tried to follow him with the camera.

When did Dawson get so big?! He just seems so much older now. He even replied to me calling him with "what mom?". I was so not ready for that.

Dawson is really getting closer to Gabriel these days now that he's more active and mobile.

He of course has to protect his toy from Gabriel though.

I love this one!

Dawson likes tickling him.

I love that they enjoy eachother so much. When they're in the mood.

Dawson and Jacob during our playdate on Tuesday. Dawson had his Explorer, so Jacob got his out too and they were checking out what each other was doing.

Today was Wednesday and I went almost all day without thinking about it! Partially because my days are very mixed up this week with Dawson having no school. Also my mom came from 10:30am until 2:30pm, so that was a nice distraction too. We had lunch and then went to Target. My ankle wasn't feeling too bad, I could walk on it without crutches. I was going to use a scooter in the store, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I really wasn't hurting that bad anyway. As long as I don't bend my ankle it has minimal pain. I returned a Tag book that I had a double of and got Dawson a 3 movie set of Leap Frog DVDs instead. He loves those and learns so much from them. I hadn't seen this new set before. He already watched one this evening. He has been going to bed great lately! The holidays bumped bedtime back a bit, so we're working on getting him to bed earlier again. We're back down to 10pm and he went right to sleep.

It's been 8 weeks without Tyler now. It doesn't feel like an accurate count. He was intubated and sedated for 6 weeks, so it feels like much longer than 8 weeks.

Today also marks 9 months for Gabriel! He's getting so big! Standing and holding on with just 1 hand lately, he's getting so brave. Such a happy baby too, he's almost always smiling and is so content. He's been sleeping through the night for a long time now, I haven't been up in the middle of the night for him since September! He shakes his head "no" sometimes and he waves his hand a little bit too. So cute! He's saying mama and dada sometimes. He sticks out his tongue and blows rasberries when he wants attention sometimes, mostly from other people. Always gets it too! He's done with baby food and pretty much eats whatever we do. Even eats peas, which is a first for my kids, eating something green. :)

Christmas at Home

2011-12-26T23:20:00.007-06:00

Our first Christmas without Tyler has been a tough one. Having no snow on top of it really made the holiday hard to get in the mood for. I bought a few things, but other than that, everything we got was because of amazing people who wanted to help our boys have a great Christmas. They sure did!

He loves things like this! It's been one of his most played with toys so far.

Gabriel loves his driving toy

Dawson's toy is pretty fun looking too!

A baby laptop! Gabriel decided this one was better suited for himself, so he left Dawson's alone after that.

Soft lion

Back to those toys that Mom didn't quite get far enough out of sight.

Back to the presents

Another favorite! He had many giggles from his See n Say

Can't forget about that yummy wrapping paper though

Paper is so exciting!

Bath Time Bubble Maker! The boys were really having a blast with this today. I suctioned it to our dishwasher and they sat in the kitchen for about an hour with it!

The lights are fun to play with

A clock puzzle!

Gabriel was intrigued

Dawson was awesome about cleanup. After each gift or two we put all the paper in the garbage bag so Gabriel wouldn't eat it.

Really getting into the gift opening

Sid the Science Kid episodes! He hasn't seen this show before, but he plays it on PBSkids, so he recognized it and was excited.

Gabriel loves mirrors!

Another cartoon set! Little Einsteins.

I saved the best for last, because I knew there'd be no more gift opening after this. He was so excited he didn't quite know what to do with himself. :) He loved the pool table at Ronald McDonald House, so when I saw this for $10 at Menards I was excited. Didn't even know they made mini versions!

That box needed to be opened, like NOW! He wasted no time in getting that thing out. The balls are smaller than I thought they'd be, so I told him he can only play it on his train table out of Gabriel's reach, or when Gabriel is sleeping. He's very good about keeping the balls together thankfully.

I had stacked most of it on the couch, since Gabriel likes eating boxes and things.

Dan got the box set series of Stargate.

Gabriel was playing with his See n Say. This one has a music picture and plays songs if you land on it. He was getting so giggly over this thing. Or maybe it was my singing along with it that sounded funny. ;)

Driving toy!

Since we took the gate down from around the tree, he was finally able to get at the ornaments.

Dawson's gift from us. Thanks to some awesome friends who gave us a bunch of Amazon swagbucks codes, we got this for a great price!

We have fingerpaints! I'll admit I'm a little nervous, but I'm much more calm about letting them get messy than I used to be. Dawson did that Pooh puzzle 5 times today. The Tigger isn't the actual pic though, I should've turned it over! He's still learning how to do real puzzles, but he's really getting the hang of it when he puts his mind to it. I love that we got Trouble too, we don't have a lot of games. We got ZhuZhu Puppies also.

Learning Lantern, stackable cups, bubble machine, Uno Moo (which we played today, he loves it!), See n Say, Slinkie (that I've untangle twice today, but he's learning to be more gentle), a whistle and some figurines.

Clock puzzle, plastic baby puzzle, stacking cups, baby laptop, tamborine, Clifford sippy cup, driving toy.

7 stuffed animals

My stack, the last 2 Harry Potter movies, bubble bath stuff, photo frame, necklace with dangly earings. Maybe I should work up the courage to get my ears pierced. I've only been thinking about it for about 15 years!

2 identical laptops, 2 Tag reading system books, a book, a Leapster Explorer game, Knex set, monster truck, blanket, bouncy ball.

Car mirror, carseat toy, electronic baby book, Land Before Time movie, book for Mom

And of course his pool table

I've also heard that we have a box or 2 more coming that didn't make the Christmas shipping! I'm seriously overwhelmed with everyone's generosity! The things we have doubles of will be swapped out for gifts of their choice. The boys also have Christmas money from Dan's parents to spend, so they'll have fun shopping. Will be waiting until the stores calm down a bit though!

It took us about an hour to get through the stuff. It's hard not to think about how excited Tyler would've been. Last year he was climbing on all the boxes and was so excited about everything. Preparing for Christmas was tough, I kept seeing toys that I had in mind to get Tyler. I organized the playroom and found toys that Tyler had gotten from people while he was in the ICU and never got to play with. I found his favorite toys that sit untouched because Dawson just isn't into that stuff. Many of the toys we got for Christmas I kept thinking of how much Tyler would've loved that. I miss his enthusiasm for everything. He would have the brightest excited look on his face, arms flapping and everything as we helped him unwrap things.

Honestly I seem to be doing worse than when we first came home. Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's just the next stage of grief taking over. The waves of sadness are much stronger now to the point of almost being a panic attack. I get intense feelings of being sad, hopeless, angry, lonely and depressed. Then other times I'll be fine, I play with the kids or get things done around home. I'm just so moody! I thought it was bad when I was pregnant and overdue, but this might be worse! I get crabby over the dumbest things and sometimes nothing at all. I'll go from having a lot of motivation to wanting to sit on the couch most of the day. I often physical symptoms too, bad headache, muscle cramps, overall fatigue. I won't go into the more unpleasant symptoms. Some days I just miss him like crazy, while other days I seem to think about certain things specifically. Like the moment he died, and everything leading up to it. Or the things he's suffered through his whole life. The fun times we had and the cute sounds and faces he'd make. Other times I'll see something and realize all that he got shorted of. Like going to school, finding a best friend, falling in love, getting married, having kids. I'm sure as life progresses I'll always wonder what he would've been doing. I'm realizing that this is not just a temporary thing, though I knew it before, I think the numb stage is leaving and these things are feeling much more real. I've heard from some people who are further along the grieving path that this is all very normal and it's common for it to last at leat 6 months or so. It's different for everyone, so I guess we'll see.

Christmas with the Relatives

2011-12-25T23:05:00.001-06:00

Christmas Eve we went to my parent's house, Christmas Day we went to my Grandma's house. We opened our gifts at home after my Grandma's house, but that's a different post (hopefully tomorrow) due to the number of cute pics I have. ;)

Dawson was very excited to go to Grandma's house and to see his Auntie. He didn't realize we were there to open the gifts. I told him we were going for Christmas, but since we've been talking about Christmas all month and he doesn't understand the concept of days yet, he just didn't get it. So we had supper and we started in on the gift opening. I told Dawson it was time to open presents and he said no, he just wanted to play on Grandma's computer. So we started with other people, hoping he'd see what we were up to and get in the mood for it. He did finally come over and open his and enjoyed it.

Gabriel, with the help of my sister, opened his Vtech Helicopter. He loves it!

I think he was most excited about the huge box and the idea of climbing on it. Dawson claimed this shopping cart as soon as my brother assembled it! Gabriel is still a bit short for it and it's a little tippy, but I'm sure he'll love it once he's tall enough. This morning he was wanting to play with it.

Dawson got an echo michrophone.

I couldn't get him to hold still, but this was a Cars 2 book for the Tag reading system.

Opening box from Grandma

Leap School Reading Game for the Explorer (which he hadn't opened yet)

A puppy! This one walks and barks like a really hyper thing. Both boys love it. Dawson likes making it walk off the edge of the table and Gabriel had tons of giggles everytime it barked at him.

Gabriel found his auntie's present and decided to climb on it. My dad does many wood projects, so there's always fun things to climb on.

True to an almost 1 year old, he found the bow more interesting than his toy for a while. :)

Someone found it amusing to tie the puppy to Gabriel's pants, so he crawled away and the puppy followed and barked.

Then he had to stop and see what the barking is about. He did it a few times and was really having fun with the puppy. This isn't a gift, just one of Grandma's toys. Right after this he crawled over to the stairs and climbed up 3 steps. He hasn't gotten the opportunity to try out steps before. He really had no problem at all, I'm sure he would've kept going had there not been a person sitting in the way. He's really on the move these days!

After gifts were all opened, my brothers played the Wii for a bit and Dawson had fun watching. They sure make Dawson look short! Matthew is slightly over 6'4.

Christmas Day! We got to my Grandma's house and Dawson was happy to be there. I was going to get a picture of the tree and Dawson jumped in front of me. I told him to say cheese and he did this instead. I love seeing him so excited! Especially since earlier before lunch he wasn't doing so well. This was our first time to her house without Tyler and he realized he had nobody to play with and do his usual routine things with, so he had a meltdown and was upstairs sobbing. I finally got him to calm down with some cuddles and he said he's sad. It took him a while and he decided he wasn't hungry after that, but he did finally get excited when it came time for presents.

Gabriel opening his. He loves the paper. It is (of course) the best part about presents at this age!

It's yummy too, he was quite bummed when I wouldn't let him eat it all. He did however eat 2 small pieces of cake. He didn't even let me break them up before he attacked and scarfed his first piece down. He's getting quite good at handling food himself.

Curious George coloring book! He recently started liking that show, thanks to the pbskids website.

Dawson was posing for me on the stairs. The first one didn't work out, it was blurry. He came to see his picture like he always does and I told him it didn't work and to go back and try again. He did! It's so nice having him a bit more cooperative these days. I've gotten many blurry pics over the last couple years!

Gabriel was so happy and cute pretty much all day. He really likes having extra people around.

What we brought home from my Grandma's. I do this mostly so I can look back and remember what came from where. :) I got the picture collage frame. Dan got chocolate and Transformers. Dawson got Toy Story, coloring book, airplane and zebra. Gabriel got a mirror bug toy, 2 pairs of socks and 2 jars of puffs.

Our gifts from my parent's house. We did a sibling exchange of just 1 person each this year. Dan got Fast & Furious 3 & 4, the Firefly series and Serenity, which is the related movie. Never seen the series, but they say it's good. I got a food processor, nail polish dryer with polish, fuzzy socks, t-shirt and bath/body set.

Day +100

2011-12-23T23:27:00.083-06:00

I've been looking forward to this day since they told us Tyler needed a transplant. It is the special day where bone marrow transplant patients get to go home, 100 days after their transplant, after watching, waiting and living at Ronald McDonald House. I knew it would be right around Christmas and thought it would be the perfect gift, to bring our little boy home and have a big Christmas celebration.

Instead we got sent home early, something we didn't anticipate. I thought maybe we'd have to stay past 100 days, and that would be frustrating, but overall we'd manage, as long as he came home eventually. Instead the unthinkable happened. His body failed and he died. My child, the one who was more full of life than anyone I know, slowly slipped away. It's hard to think about. He fought all but 3 months of his life. He didn't get his cure, he didn't get to come back home like I told him he would. He came home in a little marble box instead. We don't get to hear his giggles or see his cute self running around, we have to watch video clips, which now seem like so few in comparrison to his life. I'm wishing I would've gotten videos of him saying certain words, so I can remember just how he said it. Thankfully we have lots of pictures.

I had asked the portrait studio if I could have a cd of Tyler's sessions. She already knew his story and she said we could look them up. She found his 2 year session and put that on a cd. For some reason she couldn't find his 1 year session, so she did the cd and gave me that. Then she decided to look a different way and ended up finding his first one. She was only allowed to give us one cd, so she said if I bring one in, she'll give me the rest of the pics. I'm so excited to get them, his one year session was so adorable!

When I took Tyler in for his 2 year pictures, I had just found out he relapsed the day before and wanted to get the pictures done before we got admitted again. It was an emotional day, wondering if that would be his last birthday photoshoot. It was. We only got 7 decent pictures. He wasn't feeling very cooperative. He had a cast for his broken leg and he wasn't feeling too well.

This is the picture we got for his 2yr pictures

He was really bouncing around, so he ended up not centered.

I believe I was holding his arm on his left side for this one and he was trying to pull away from me. He was so wiggly!

I think the darker background makes him look so different!

Classic Tyler arms. He always waved his arms around when he was excited. The arm in the corner is Dawson. You can also see his walking cast boot a little.

This one looks like he's flying to Heaven or something. I didn't like it when I first saw the picture, but I do now. The excited, joyful look on his face gives me comfort. I'm sure he probably ran through those gates with a big smile on his face, waving his arms around and giggling, like he always did when he went to new places.

I finally got a lot of things cleaned and organized, so I got to add many things to the pile that went to the Women's Shelter. Also, Gabriel decided that baby food is no longer cutting it, so the got the rest of what I had. Lots of clothes, bedding, blankets, toys, books, personal items, etc. They have a list online that I looked at for ideas. So much of this stuff had just been sitting around taking up space. Felt good getting it out of our place and giving it to people who could really use it.

While Dawson was at school and I was cleaning the playroom, Gabriel was bored, so since I'd just emptied this bin, I made a little ball pit for him. He had so much fun! Here's a video of him enjoying it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRd5fw7HBqw&feature=youtube_gdata

Meanwhile, I got our playroom cleaned, rearranged and organized. I'm hoping the puzzle mat will save the carpet from playdough, markers, paint and all that we do on the kid table.

The room got well used this evening, since I babysat 4 kids, ages 4, 2, 2, 1. We are swapping babysitting for date nights, which is working out nice so far. Dawson was very excited to have them over. He kept saying "play with girls". We went to Walmart and he kept asking for them. Eventually "play with girls" ended up as "I want girls", in a rather loud voice, so that was entertaining. Ironically, he doesn't actually play with them, he just likes having them over. We are working on that social stuff, but for now it's all just parallel play, which is going much better. As you can see in the pic, he's standing right next to her and they are both playing with trains. He actually shared trains! Usually he wants them all or he throws a big tantrum. There were a few toy battles, usually involving Dawson, but thankfully they were very short lived. Thankfully I didn't have to use up all my fun ideas, but they did the Dance Cam, which is a toy that shows them on tv and they can dance around and watch themselves. Set up a big tunnel tent with chairs, which even the babies loved. We colored, played with trains and they played nice for quite a while. I even got to make banana bread.

I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve! There is no snow on the ground and it's just weird. Hopefully we'll be able to enjoy Christmas. Often when we're at other people's houses it's a little easier to distract myself. We are going to my parent's house for Christmas Eve and to my Grandma's Christmas Day. Thankfully we only have about a 30-40 minute drive for each. I hope everyone has a great Christmas!

Velcro Board Schedule

2011-12-20T12:31:00.030-06:00

Dawson's teacher sent home the velcro boards we talked about and it's already going pretty well. He was excited to see it and started using it right away. I had some people wondering what a velcro schedule is, so here it is! Having grown up with a special needs sibling, I often forget that many people don't know what this stuff is. ;)

I taped his schedule to the fridge, it's laminated so it should last a while. Just a strip of velcro on the side to stick the little squares to. The little squares are also laminated and have a little square of velcro on the back. The orange pocket is for the things we've already done, so when he finishes something, he removes the square and puts it in the pocket and then looks to see what's next. It really helps him transition between places and activities when he knows what's coming and what to expect.

Tuesday is his day off therapy, so this evening was simple. He chose pretzels for snack, then he got to play until supper, for which he chose pizza.

This is his Choice Board. I put up all his options and he gets to pick one. On this one he got to pick 1 from each row. Sometimes I'll just use the whole board and have him pick one.

Haven't used this little card yet, but she wanted to throw in the first-then card too. So as an example, this one-on-one work, which will be used to symbol his therapists, will come before his computer time. He often wants to skip right to the computer, but we're trying to get him to work for his computer time. It seems to be going ok, depends on the day.

Here are the meal cards

Daily living/school

Home/bedtime

Food

More food

Gabriel deciding he wants a part of this. He picked up the school card. So not ready for that baby!

Dawson was helping me set up and put them away. His teacher said if I need a picture for anything else, to just let her know. This is just to get started, we do plan on adding more.

Never fails that once I say Gabriel might be starting something soon, he goes ahead and does it the next day. He's been practicing walking next to things now and even going from one thing to something very close by. He'll hold on with 1 hand when he's just standing there. A couple times he tried to let go completely, but wasn't quite ready for that. He's such a determined baby! He's been walking holding our hands more easily now too.

We had a nice evening, we went rollerskating and got to visit with friends. After some slight panic over Dawson losing my keys at the sitter's house, we got home and Dawson quickly fell asleep. Every night I'm so impressed with how easy it is! I really should've started the suppliment a year ago when I heard about it! It's been nice skating every week again and being active. Sitting around the hospital all day was so depressing. The only walk I got was down to the cafeteria. Plus I tend to stress eat, on top of just having a baby, I really didn't lose any of the baby weight. I noticed I'm down a couple pounds this week, so maybe that will continue. Not counting on it with Christmas being this weekend though!

Attachment & Accomplishments

2011-12-18T23:41:00.024-06:00

Lately Dawson has really been getting more attached to Gabriel. Today I was looking at videos of Tyler, and Dawson came over to see. When the video was over he pointed to one of Gabriel, then another of Gabriel, then one of himself. I let him play on there a while and noticed he played just Gabriel and his stuff. Usually he just obsesses about Tyler's videos.

Gabriel loves watching what Dawson is doing. When he's on the computer, Gabriel will stand up by his chair and watch him. So I'll sit him on the chair by him and he loves it. Dawson doesn't mind either, which is a huge step for him. He even moves over to let Gabriel sit by him. It's so cute seeing them sitting together.

Gabriel even puts his arm around Dawson.

Dawson has learned how to tickle Gabriel and loves that he gets giggles in return.

Gabriel was so happy to be tickled and acknowledged by Dawson. He looks at Dawson with the cutest look on his face, it's obvious that he totally loves and idols his big brother.

All cuddled up. Usually Dawson would be pushing people away if they start leaning on him. He didn't seem to mind this time.

He even decided to be silly and play with him.

Dawson took this picture. I'm guessing it was yesterday when I heard him turn my camera on when I was in the bathroom. I didn't realize he took pictures until I uploaded them tonight. He's getting good! This is totally Gabriel's typical self. He always has his tongue out it seems.

This is the mess I've been trying to tackle the last few days. It was actally much worse, when I started I couldn't see carpet at all.

I moved the white organizer drawers into the playroom and that was very useful. I have his playdough, paint, crayons, markers and flashcards in there. It's nice because he can't reach them so he has to ask. The 3-drawer purple one has other little fine motor toys, stringing beads, lacing cards, little people and animals and other things I don't want Gabriel finding on his own.

In the closet I keep the puzzles, color and preschool books, games and books. Out of Gabriel's sight and he can't open the closet door yet. We lovingly refer to him as our little goat. He chews on everything that's paper or cardboard. Boxes, books, mail, anything. The other boys chewed on things too, but not this much! He would rather crawl around and find a box to chew on than play with his pile of baby teething toys. Go figure.

Dawson has been making some big improvements in the Self Help category. He can easily take off his shirt and pants. He sat on the potty yesterday. Today he made waffles, by himself. He took his stool, got them out of the freezer, took a couple out, put them in the toaster and pushed it down. We just had to get them out of the toaster for him. Wow! He'll also get the cereal and a bowl and help me pour it. Same with the milk, and he'll even insist on screwing the cap back on the milk jug. He gets it on good and tight too! He takes his shoes off by the door instead of running around the place with shoes on, and even puts them on the shelf in the closet where they belong. He occasionally needs a reminder to put them away, but he does pretty good. Yesterday we had some friends over so I asked him if he wanted to go let them in, since I can see the door from our apartment. He jumped up and said Yes, so he went downstairs to the door and held it open for them, then showed them the way back upstairs to our apartment. He loves getting company! He's also getting good at blowing bubbles. He couldn't figure out the blowing for quite a while. He would spit or suck the air in, but he finally got it now!

Gabriel is crawling around much faster and pulling up on everything. He's thinking about walking along furniture too. He'll take a little sideways step sometimes but is pretty nervous. The other night he was on the other end of the couch and I was calling him over to me. He looked like he really wanted to but was nervous and started fussing because he was hungry. So Dawson went over to him, wrapped his arms around him under his arms and helped Gabriel walk over here. Though it looked more like dragging him over. I don't think Dawson expected him to weigh as much as he does! He's about 21-22 pounds. He looked so excited to be helpful though. He did the same thing tonight and was just beaming with pride at being able to help Gabriel out. He doesn't do it much though, thankfully! I'm guessing Gabriel will be walking along furniture by the New Year.

I'm so relieved to report that Dawson's bedtime has gotten so much better! He fell asleep at 11pm the first night and has been getting to sleep faster and sooner every night since. This was his 3rd night doing the Melatonin suppliment and he was asleep by 10:20. I hope to bump back his bedtime until he gets to a better time. He wakes up happy and rested now too, no more waking him up groaning. I guess we'll see how it goes this week! I'm really wishing I would've started this sooner. Even though it's a natural suppliment, I was still nervous about giving it to him before. He wanted the music off though, so I left it off and he just fell asleep on his own. It's such a relief, both for my sanity and to make sure he gets a decent night of sleep.

Solving the Sleep Issues

2011-12-16T23:35:00.073-06:00

Dawson's therapist came today, bright and early at 9am. Dawson has been getting out of bed by then usually, but today he had a harder time. Thankfully once he saw his therapist, he smiled, gave her a hug and proceeded to lead her to the playroom. He had a great session, his longest yet, from 9-noon.
At 12:15, Dawson's teacher came for a home visit to discuss how he's been doing. She said he's enjoying school and does well. She brought up Kindergarten and said sending him in the Fall is a good option for him. We'll be having a meeting with the Special Ed department of the Elementary school sometime after the New Year. It's so weird to think about starting real school! He's had a teacher since 2.5 and has been going to school on the bus since 3, but Kindergarten sounds so official!

I mentioned wanting to do a velcro board schedule for him at home and she thought that was a great idea and even offered to make it for us. The school often provides that stuff at home, and she said she already has an extra one sitting around that she's not using that's just like the one he uses at school, so that should be easy. We went over the different things we do and she made a list. She'll be sending it home with him this week. I'm excited!

After his teacher left we left and met up with a friend at McDonalds to play. I hadn't been in there since the day Tyler was diagnosed. It was where I recieved the call about the bad lab results. Tyler was sleeping in his infant carseat while Dawson played. I remember the day like it was yesterday, I'm sure I always will. It was nice creating some happy memories. Dawson chased the girls around saying "I'm gonna get you!". It was so great hearing him interact with other kids. They are older too, 7 and 10. He usually doesn't pay much attention to the older kids.

I also got to meet someone who followed Tyler's story at the end and realized she's in the same town. She did a Scentsy fundraiser for us and even gave us some wax to burn in our warmer that I got from another friend. There's just a lightbulb in there, so no flame to worry about and the wax really doesn't get that hot, I can touch it and it's warm, but not going to burn you. I turn mine on for about an hour and turn it back off again since the aroma stays around for a while. The warmer holds a picture, so I used a wallet of Tyler's 2 year picture and when the warmer is on, the picture glows and it's so neat. It's so hard to be without him and I'm grateful for all the amazing people I've gotten to know because of him.

We can see it glowing even in the daytime, it's really neat

All the bars she gave us! They're $5 each and last a very long time. Each one has about 8 little cubes in them and I'm still using the first little cube! It re-hardens when I turn it off for a while, but I've been using it for a while and haven't noticed the level going down at all. When I'm done I can pour it back and try a different scent. It's nice freshening the place up a bit, especially with the boy's room right off the living room and I sometimes notice that slight diaper pail smell.

Here's the lady I met up with. She didn't ask me to advertise or anything, but she was super nice and I thought my local friends might be interested. You can order online too though. I never thought I'd be into anything like this, but it's nice to have. I'm looking forward to the "cookie" and "baked apple pie" smells. Right now I have Black Rasberry Vanilla going.

Since we got back home, I got these 3 necklaces. I love them! This first one was engraved and we have 5 necklaces and a keychain of this picture. Dan wears his everyday.

This one was hard to get a picture of, but it has the 3 boys' names around it

I wore this one to the funeral, it arrived at 8:30 that same morning, just as I was wondering what necklace to wear. The one I'd planned on ended up being too short. The big circle says "always our wild thing", it's from his online group, we were all due the same month and have gotten to know each other well. The group is called Wild Things. The gem is his birthstone.

Dawson got a haircut! He was looking pretty shaggy before. He did great and only needed verbal reminders to sit still. A couple times I had to ask if he needed me to hold his arms, but he quickly said No and held still. He's getting so big! Here he is playing with his playdough. The therapist had made lots of balls that he's been taking in and out of the containers, so I gave him an egg carton and he loves putting all the balls in that.

The teacher and I talked about Dawson's schedule and his sleep issues a lot during our visit. I've been struggling with his bedtime for a long time. As a baby he was colicky, around a year he started getting out of his crib and hasn't really stopped. He goes to bed ok, he knows it's bedtime and doesn't put up much of a fuss, but he stays awake for 2-3 hours after I put him to bed. He'd crawl in bed with Tyler, who just wanted to sleep. Now he crawls in with Gabriel, or goes over to his crib and it annoys Gabriel too. He just wants to sleep. His teacher recommended a Melatonin suppliment. Naturally, your body makes Melatonin. It's what triggers your body to be tired and fall asleep. Autistic children often don't produce their own, so they have bedtime issues. So I went to the store and found it in the vitamin aisle. Gave him 1/2 pill about 30 minutes before bed. It was weird cutting and dissolving pills again. It was Tyler's bedtime routine, 1/2 chemo pill.

We made other changes to his routine also. She said no tv/computer/electronics an hour before bed. Those things stimulate the brain too much. So to occupy him we did playdough, coloring and books. We usually do those earlier in the day and relax with computer in the evening, so I wasn't sure how he'd deal with the change, but he did great. He's been playing with more toys lately anyway, so it's nice seeing him get comfortable. He even got out the trains, which is the first thing he's played with since we got home that Tyler used to do. She also said nothing with lights or animation while going to sleep either. He had a Baby Einstein fish crib toy in his bed, he watched the fish swim by and listened to the music. So I removed that and put on a baby lullabye cd instead.

At bedtime he went to bed ok, but when the lights went out and I turned on the quiet music, he wasn't happy. He screamed "music off!". I decided to let it go a bit and see what he'd do. After a couple minutes he was sounding tired, but still protesting a bit. He went to bed at 10:15 and fell asleep at 11pm! That's the earliest he's been to sleep since we got home over 6 weeks ago. Usually it's midnight-1am. Hopefully it will go well tomorrow also! I'm going to bump the bedtime back more and see how it goes.

Six Weeks

2011-12-15T17:47:00.000-06:00

Life has been very busy this week! We've had many ups and downs. We just passed our 6 week mark without Tyler yesterday. Sometimes I'll be fine and then suddenly start thinking about something that will make for a very tough day. Yesterday I had just parked at Walmart and suddenly out of the blue I started thinking about Tyler's last moments, the way he looked and sounded taking his last breaths, all that he had suffered through in those last weeks. The way he cried when I started crying. It's just so horribly unfair that anyone should have to go through what he did.

Dawson admitted the other day that he was sad, which was a huge deal! I've heard him say twice now that he's sad, though he refused a hug both times. He often asks me how I am and says when he's happy. Usually after we do something fun he'll be grinning ear to ear and say "I'm happy mommy!". He's still struggling to deal with his emotions and sorting them all out. He did some hitting and kicking this morning during a tantrum. He even said "I kick mommy" while he was doing it. He started his Autism Center home therapy this week too. He's doing great once he gets into the swing of things. Sometimes he has a little tantrum because he wants to go on the computer, one of his habits I'm trying to break, but he has lots of fun once he starts. They do playdoh, writing and other things. Today's therapist is new to us. She brought a tote bag full of stuff, but found that we already had everything she brought. They were excited about how many development toys we have. I just need to finish organizing it all. I'm close, I have the art stuff and fine motor toys put away, I just need to go through a lot of the other toys and get rid of some things we really don't need. Dawson is loving his therapist time so much, when I peeked in to see what he was doing, he told me "go away mommy". I guess I'll take that as a good sign. I think he's afraid I'll tell him his time is up or something.

Gabriel has been crawling all over the place. He has now learned to crawl with a small toy in his hand too, so he grabs something from Dawson and crawls off with it. It's so cute. Dawson has a hard time sharing some things, but we're working on it. Gabriel is also loving to walk around holding someone's hands. I've also heard some mama and dada, but I'm not yet sure if it's random sounds or specific people. Earlier today it seemed to be aimed toward me. He also sometimes says "uh huh" when I sit down to nurse him, or lay him down to change his diaper. It's like his 'whew, I'm getting what I need' thing. He's been having a harder time going to sleep lately. Sometimes he'll get up and nurse a bit more before going to sleep. Probably teeth bothering him, or his brother. Dawson likes to have his fish crib toy going in his bed. Sometimes he'll turn on his My Pal puppy too, which gets to be too much noise having 2 musical things in his bed. Gabriel can barely stand having 1, he'd rather skip the distractions and go to sleep.

On Saturday I watched 4 toddlers, they were 4, 2, 2, and 11 months all day (9:30-5:30). It actually went quite well! It was chaos, but for having 6 kids 4 and under in the house, we had no tantrums, the only toy and meal arguments were from Dawson. Go figure. So other than some extra mess it was super easy. We even did paint and playdoh and non was eaten and it all stayed on the table! We even had some friends stop by for an hour with their 4 and 2 year old, so they got to play for a little bit too. It was fun!

Sunday we went to my parent's house for my brother's 18th birthday! He's the baby of the family, but at 6ft 5, he's way passed all of us up! Dawson loved being at Grandma's house. I was a little nervous about how the Christmas tree thing would go, but Gabriel was ok about it. He didn't obsess about it like he did at home, though he went over once and I showed him the ornaments. I was kinda hoping it was a pokey tree so he wouldn't want to touch it again, but it was actually kinda soft. We have a fake tree at home, apartment rules.

Dawson and Gabriel with my mom. Gabriel looks like such a little boy in this pic! Where'd by baby go?

Dawson by Grandma's Christmas tree

Tuesday we went skating while the boys went and played with the kids we watched on Saturday. He loved being over there. Today I told him we were going to play with some friends in our moms club and he said "play with girls?". It was so cute, he thought we were going back to their house. Wednesday night was Moms Night Out. I brought Gabriel and there was another baby there too, but we had pizza and snacks, chatted and had a White Elephant gift exchange. Gifts you have laying around but aren't going to use, so you re-gift them at this exchange. They were all wrapped, so the box I ended up with had a Liquor Dispenser. We all laughed about that one, since I don't drink. I think I'll be putting that up at our fundraiser auction next month. ;)

Today we had a mom's club playdate this morning, which had some tantrums about her dog, but otherwise went ok. Dawson doesn't understand that you can't drag animals by the tail, or pick them up by a back leg. We showed him how and he just wasn't listening today, so she put the dog in another room and that caused a big tantrum because he wanted to play with the dog. At the end she did let the dog back out and he did play a little nicer once he calmed down. I think he just had some anxiety being at a new place, we hadn't been to her house yet. After his therapist we're heading to ECFE class, where he can run out some energy! They have the indoor gym, which is great with our cold weather. Gabriel will love it too. I'm excited to see what he will do since he's crawling around now.

This is the painting from the HopeKids people that they gave us on Thursday.

Momcologists Night Out

2011-12-09T23:59:00.002-06:00

Today was a good day overall. Dawson was excited to see Becky again, my cousin who stayed at RMH with us while in the hospital. She brought her sister and 8 month old daycare girl with too. They brought pizza and we had lunch and chatted a bit. Dawson liked her phone too, it has a piano keyboard app on it. He seems so good at navigating things like that, since he plays on the ipad at school. He cried when they left, but thankfully it didn't last too long. Was nice seeing him excited for his company though.
I had debated going to the Momcologists Night Out and decided it would be good to go. Those ladies have been so great to me and there were some I hadn't met yet also. It was just over an hour away, 7-10pm at a restaurant, sponsored by KidsCan, a local Childhood Cancer foundation. I took Gabriel with, he was so good! We ended up staying until 11pm and Gabriel didn't fuss a bit the entire 4 hours we were there. He ate cheerios, his baby food, some of my fettuchini, then flirted with the ladies. I love having such a great, happy baby. It was great to be able to chat and have some adult conversation and talk about things that are normal to us (medical/cancer stuff). It's weird because talking about this stuff is still as easy as it was before he died. I love sharing his stories and comparing his problems in hope that I might help someone else in the process, or at least make them feel not so alone. These ladies are so great and fun to be around. I'm looking into being a part of the foundation, I want to do something like that, to help other childhood cancer families, I'm just not sure exactly what I'm looking for yet. Hopefully I'll know when I find it.

Tomorrow we'll have a busy place. I'm watching some kids for the day, ages 4, 2 and 11mo, plus we're getting some company with her kids, ages 4 and 2. So we should have some fun times. Hopefully Dawson will like all the playmates!

One of those days

2011-12-08T23:02:00.002-06:00

I'd love to request a re-do for today! My phone alarm went of an hour before we had to be at MOPS. If it's too early, I'll lay back down and fall asleep. Well I don't remember turning it off, but apparently I did! I woke up right at 8:45, the exact time I was supposed to be there. I just hate that feeling, I said I was going to be there and I don't like being a flake. To wake the kids and rush them out the door and across town was just not possible, so I texted my friend and told her we couldn't make it. I was so mad at myself for falling back to sleep! Last year I made it to 2 MOPS meetings. Mostly due to Tyler's stuff, but I was hoping to get to more of them now and we're not really off to a great start. They only have them every other week too. I was kicking myself all morning.

Dawson got on the bus on time. That often seems like quite a victory in itself! He loves school, but he's a very "in the moment" kid. He wants to play with his toy or whatever he's doing. So I finally get him into his shoes and downstairs to the bus. I've been starting this process earlier now, so we even have had some downtime in the apartment lobby while we wait for the bus. Today he got to the top of the bus and as usual he turned around to give me a hug and kiss. Well this time when he turned around he started crying. He wanted to go to school, but for some reason he just suddenly felt emotional and needed a couple extra kisses. When he got home he told me he was happy, so that was nice to hear. On really good days he'll suddenly say "I'm happy!", which tells me he's having the same moments as I sometimes do. I'll be having a good day and suddenly I'll realize I'm having a good day and remember how good it feels to be happy, even though sometimes it makes me sad to be happy without Tyler. If that makes any sense.

My second (really big!) screw up of the day put me in the runnings for the "Bad Mom of the Day" award. Dan had to work on my van, so I took the car. I had planned on picking up Dawson from school, though as I was leaving, Dawson wasn't really on my mind. I got Gabriel's carseat in the car, my shopping list with us and headed out. It's so peaceful shopping with just a baby. Especially a baby who slept through the entire store! Got my shopping done and headed to the school just in time to pick him up. Took Gabriel in, ended up talking to someone who read our Caringbridge, then found Dawson. He was in a great mood and happy to be picked up. It's so neat running into people who followed Tyler's story. Putting faces to our followers, even the ones we didn't know about just makes it even more special. It's amazing how fast a story can spread. After the ladies talked to Gabriel a bit, we headed out. Got to the car and to my absolute horror I realized I hadn't put a carseat in the car for Dawson! Me, the one who's always making a big deal over carseats and buckling them up correctly, didn't even bring one! The busses were long gone. My van was apart and being worked on, no way for Dan to come get him! I was coming up with no options. So, feeling like the most horrible person ever, I put Dawson in the middle seat with just the lap belt and took all the slow back roads that I possibly could and made it home. Thankfully it's only a 10 minute drive. I tried making myself feel better, at least he was properly buckled in with the belt, unlike the job that CareCab did so many times! At least he's not bouncing around in the backseat like so many kids I see around town. I guess it could be worse, right? Somehow that wasn't helping too much with me feeling horrible though. We made it home and I guess that's all that matters. It's hard to shake the mommy guilt though! I just hope I don't have nightmares about carseats running off on me or something. ;)

I figured after those two major fails that I had to get the Children's Museum right. I mean, how wrong could that go anyway? My sister was coming at 4pm, we were leaving at 4:20 and getting there with comfortable time to get in by 6. My sister got here early! She had stopped by the mall to pick up her engagement ring that she had resized, but they told her it wasn't in yet. Well she wasn't here for 20 minutes when she got a call saying it was in! Since we'd get back too late for her to stop, I told her to go ahead and get it. Dan wasn't ready with my van yet anyway. She went and got back around 4:40. Dan came in around the same time and we started the process of getting the kids out the door. It's amazing how much faster that goes with just 2. With Tyler there was so much stuff. Animal crackers, extra masks, medical tape, enough stuff for a full dressing change incase it got wet or he sweat it off. Diapers, a few sets of extra clothes, bags for pukey clothes, etc. Now I need to re-fill the diapers and we're good to go. We actually got going at 5, so we got there around 6:40. The session was from 6-8, which I knew, so I was pretty bummed. It's hard to get around to the entire museum in only an hour or so. It felt rushed. To make things worse, about 40 minutes into our drive I realized something awful. I forgot my camera! What is with me today?! I used to take my camera to the grocery store, just incase a cute moment happened. I took it everytime we went to a park or the mall, just incase. So to forget it on a fun day like this just about made me cry. Thankfully my sister has one of those cool touch screen phones and can take pictures, though many were blurry, she still got quite a few cute ones. I have to wait for her to get them on the computer to post them though. That made me feel a little better, but still kicking myself.

The good part about today was the surprise we got that made me so glad we ended up going. One of the founders of HopeKids had emailed me and asked if we're still going to the event, since we'd signed up. He said they wanted to offically meet us and have a word. So I felt especially motivated to get there no matter what. He had a couple other ladies there that work with his foundation and they presented a canvas painting of Tyler. It's so good! It was done by her son, who has found talent in painting and we are the 18th person he's painted for. He plans on doing all the kids who pass away. I've never been artistic, at all. It's always amazing to me when people can do faces so well. He even captured his spark, that twinkle in his eyes. I'll take a picture of it soon!

Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps my brain will return to me while I sleep!

Five Weeks

2011-12-07T22:58:00.005-06:00

I wonder when I'll stop counting the weeks and just count the months. I haven't been thinking about it quite as much, it's starting to feel a little more distant sometimes. Yet it doesn't seem like we've done much since we got back home. We did some cleaning and we've gone to some places, but it still feels like life is on hold for something. We're getting through each day, but we aren't really living each day like we did before. I read the book "Heaven is for Real". It really helped make me feel more at ease. I highly recommend the book for anyone who's lost a child, relative or had a miscarriage.

This week so far has been disappointing. I had planned on going to a couple Mom's Club playdates, but Gabriel had a cold. I need to get some groceries and run some errands too, but I was waiting for his cold to be gone. So I've felt very stuck in the house. We did go rollerskating Tuesday night and I went up the road to McDonalds to get a Redbox movie the other night too, but that's about it. Thankfully Gabriel seems to be getting much better. His slight runny nose seems to be more from teething now than his cold. He even had a very slight fever a couple days from it. I see at least 2 top teeth showing under the gums. Should come in soon. From the looks of it, he has at least 4 top teeth coming. His poor gums are so red and swollen.

Tomorrow will be a big day. I'm facing 2 big steps in the same day. The first is MOPS in the morning. Same church as Tyler's funeral. I haven't been there since. The second is in the evening and the more emotionally intimidating activity of the 2. HopeKids has an event at the Children's Museum. It's a foundation for families with childhood cancer and other life threatening illnesses. They have deals with different places and they shut down to the public so we can have fun, germ free. So our kids can have somewhat of a life while in treatment. So why are we going? I assumed we wouldn't be, but I got a card in the mail, and a message on facebook saying that we should still come. Once a HopeKids family, always a HopeKids family. So we are going. There's going to be lots of fun. Lots of adorable toddlers with bald heads. Lots of awesome moms that I've gotten to know and love. Who braved to come support and sit with us in our darkest days, facing the sight of what they all hope will never be their child. So that's why we go, to see them, and for Dawson and Gabriel to have some fun. After all they've been through, they definitely deserve to have some fun!

Dawson is having a better week. He's playing with toys again, but not the things Tyler played with. He has new toys that don't remind him of Tyler, and also things he's finding that he didn't remember he had, that we hadn't taken to RMH with us. He's having trouble going to sleep at night. I'm trying to switch around his bedtime routine a bit. They say no tv or computer at least an hour before bed, because it stimulates the brain and is too fast paced for bedtime. Well that was his bedtime thing, he'd play on PBSkids.org for awhile. So I decided to head to the playroom with the kids an hour before bed. Dawson painted, read some books and played with some other toys. I figured I was doing good, he was enjoying his change of routine which was a relief. I gave Gabriel a bath and came out to find Dawson on the computer.

Here's a video of Dawson "reading" 8 Silly Monkeys. It's one of his favorite books. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34_BS3B83_4

Dawson is really staying in the lines more now! Even 6 months ago he was just scribbling and painting wherever. I gave him a simple page and he really enjoyed it. He doesn't do so well with an actual coloring page picture, he'd rather paint shapes and simple pictures.

They were being silly on my lap after reading books.

Gabriel achieved one of his goals. It was amusing because the day before I had mentioned that he made it into the kitchen, which is the furthest he's gone and next he'll probably want to go all the way down the hallway. Well look where he ventured before 10am the next morning! I guess those bags will have to be donated very soon! I was waiting because I had some stuff to add to it but I'm about done anyway.

Dawson loves getting in on the pictures. Love it when he does this! It's so weird seeing such a gap. I see so many moms with kids very close in age in the stores and I just wonder if they think I have it so easy having a nice age gap. I know I used to think things like that. If only they knew.

We got a box today! Gabriel couldn't care less what was in it, but the big box was so fun and the perfect size to stand up by.

I was loving what was in the box though! It was a shipment from Schwan's from some friends in Texas! Thank goodness we have a deep freeze because this totally filled the rest of the freezer! We should be good for a while I think. :)

Gabriel before his bath. I love that tongue. All of the boys went through that tongue phase!

In the bath. I like that foam infant thing for him to sit on so he doesn't slide around. He likes the freedom more than the baby bath tub. Another thing that works well is a bath towel. Keep it folded and just put it in the water for them to sit on. The layers help them not slide around at all and the bath towel doesn't move either. I used that as a makeshift bath mat for Gabriel in the hospital since they had kind of a slippery sink to bathe in.

Wrinkly baby feet are so cute!

All clean and ready for bed. It's weird seeing him in these pjs, seems like not long ago at all that I bought them for Tyler.

'Tis the Season

2011-12-05T23:51:00.007-06:00

I'm trying to be excited for the Christmas season. Some days I'm feeling it, others I'm just not. I turned on the radio in the car a couple times. I heard "it's the most wonderful time of the year" and "all I want for Christmas is you". The second one I'm agreeing with wholeheartedly, while the other I'm having a tough time with. It's often hard to feel happy and cheerful without Tyler. Dawson is doing a great job in helping me be excited though. He's finally old enough to be excited about things and it's so much fun. We put the tree up Sunday night. I guess I should say that Dan put the tree up, I sat on the couch and took pictures and watched Dawson excitedly bounce around the room and try to "help". ;)

Dawson wasn't sure what to do, but he was excited, so he just decided to hug the tree.

Dad added the 2nd layer, it's getting BIG!

Here it is! Dawson is beyond excited and almost literally bouncing off the walls with joy.

Gabriel loves the tree too! This didn't last long at all. After gazing at it's glowing glory, he decided to start playing with the tree. The next afternoon he got more rambunctious and almost knocked the whole thing over on himself.

Dec 4th he started crawling! Watch out world, Gabriel is on the move! His first act of mischief was the garbage. Which I just found cute since he was so proud of himself for getting into something. He wasn't sure what to even do with it after he'd knocked it over. He just knew it was what he was supposed to do. I think it must be hardwired in there.

Dawson helped bake cookies

Dan went out and took a pic of our apartment from the outside. So pretty!

The tree is all decorated. We put the fence up since Gabriel almost knocked it over on himself and his goal for every moment of the day was to play with or eat the tree.

The fence also allowed us to start putting gifts under the tree. These are all from our clinic! I was very surprised. Our nurses had said they referred us for their program, but I assumed it would just be a couple things for the boys. Instead we each got several things! People are just so amazing.

Tonight we put up this little tree in honor of Tyler

I'd bought a pack of Cars ornaments for it too

These are on the big tree, their handprints from 2010. They look so tiny!

One of my favorites, from the year we were married.

Someone got us this ornament the year Tyler was diagnosed. They're found at Target for sure, though I didn't see them this year so far. The funds go to Childhood Cancer Awareness. The butterfly is one of the symbols for Childhood Cancer research.

Dawson loves this frame. I need to get Gabriel in there, but I don't have a 5x7 of him yet. Dawson looks at it and he'll say "Dawson, Tyler, Tyler, Dawson, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler Dawson...." It's pretty cute.

Thankfully Dawson has been ok the last couple days. We've been home for the most part too. A friend stopped over with some toys, books and clothes. Dawson loves the things she brought and hasn't hardly put them down since! He now has a Vtech writing toy and a little compact easel that has a dry erase board on one side and chalk board on the other. He also has a tv dance cam that I haven't showed him yet. He's going to be so excited though. When we go to Walmart or stores with those little tvs that show you walking into the store, I have to just about drag him away from them. He'll walk past, looking up the whole way. Then he'll back up and giggle when he comes back on the screen. Then he jumps around and does silly things. Meanwhile everyone is looking at us funny. It's amusing. So I'm thinking he's going to love this thing.

Gabriel is loving his new found crawling skill and has been really all over the place! He hasn't ventured all the way down to the hallway yet, but I'm sure he will in the next few days. Here's a video of him the day he started crawling http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxJl1unvfos&feature=g-upl

We have some things to look forward to this week, like rollerskating, the Children's Museum, MOPS, a playdate and some visitors. I love having things going on everyday, gives me something to look forward to each day. :)

One Month

2011-12-03T23:48:00.006-06:00

Yesterday was a very hard day. I've been dreading the day for a while, especially as the end of the month was here and I knew that 1 month mark would be coming up. I had an appointment with the Autism Center Coordinator that morning, 9am. Thankfully she came to our place to see where we live and to meet Dawson. I woke up and was ok, just thinking about the meeting. It went well, she's excited to start working with him. They'll have everything set up and ready to start in a couple weeks.

We got some errands run. Target was our biggest stop. It's connected to the mall, and Dawson loves walking around the mall for fun. We got to the food court and Dawson wanted a cup of cinnamon bites. We did that often when we went to the mall, Dawson and Tyler would share a cup, they both really loved them. I gave Dawson money and he paid the lady for the cup. We went and sat down and he burst into tears and didn't want any. I asked him if he's sad and he said no. I gave him a big hug and instead of pulling away like he usually does, he totally leaned on me and started sobbing even harder. After a few minutes he was better and decided to share the cup with me.

Then we got to the ramp. Our mall isn't level, so there's a ramp and 4 steps on each side of the mall loop where the level changes a bit. He used to run down the ramp, go up the stairs and back down the ramp with Tyler. They had so much fun. He went down, back up and down again. I told him it was time to go and he got fussy. He finally did cooperate, but after walking a tiny bit he had another emotional meltdown. So we stopped and cuddled for a bit before moving on. He really followed me well, it's amazing to think back at where we were a year ago. We got around the loop and back to Target to do some Christmas shopping. He wanted to walk, but was already starting to fight me on some things. His behaviors were escalating so I put him in the cart for a while. Thankfully the things I needed were easy to find, so I hurried through my shopping and managed to get out of there in decent time, but not before dealing with 2 more meltdowns. He fell asleep on the way home and then wanted to cuddle me for quite a while when we got home. He seemed ok the rest of the night. He never wanted to talk about things any of the times he was having problems or even afterward.

Today (Saturday) I left him home with Daddy and just took Gabriel shopping. We went to 2 stores and he did great. I got some things and and got out of there when the stores started to get busy. I got home and Dawson was in a great mood. We set up our Christmas Tree this evening and Dawson was excited about that. It was sad for me, I found handprint ornaments from the school for 2010 from both the boys. Tyler's handprint is so little, but it hadn't really even gotten much bigger over the next year. Dawson has school project ornaments and all Tyler has is his first Christmas ornament and the handprint ornament, which is just a paper plate, but it's cute. Those 2 1/2 years felt like a long time in many ways, but things like this make me realize how short it really was.

Dan and I went rollerskating tonight. It was nice getting out and getting some exercise. Dawson loves seeing my friend's daughter. We were practically shoved out the door tonight. He said "bye mommy daddy!" and closed the door as we were walking out and even locked it. They had a lot of fun. We got home and Dawson was all smiles. He came over for a hug and said "happy!". He never admits when he's sad, but he sometimes tells me when he's really happy. :)

Full Schedule

2011-12-01T23:33:00.012-06:00

We've had a very busy, productive few days! On Tuesday we went to a Mom's Club playdate. It was nice to get out and get an earlier start to my day. It's kind of refreshing to be up and out the door early, like I already have a good start to the day. Dawson wanted to leave 30 minutes early, so we ended up going. There were about 8 moms there with about 15 kids, so it was very chaotic and noisy. It just got to be a bit much for him after a while, but he did seem to have some fun. Gabriel loved it, he was on the floor with the kids, playing and smiling.

After we got home, a friend I met at ECFE class came over to help clean and organize. She organized my pantry cabinet and got many things cleaned up. She also brought baskets she'd found on sale and put them to good use. I love them! Now all those bottles and things aren't tipping over on our shelf that doesn't have a solid surface.

Dan hung lights on our balcony. Dawson loves the Christmas lights. He shouts "Chriscris lights!" everytime we see them around town. He was very excited to see the clinic has a Christmas tree also. I'm getting excited to get ours up.

Dan and I went rollerskating Tuesday night. Our friends couldn't make it, but it was nice to get out anyway. I was so tired when I got home afterward, I felt like I hadn't stopped moving all day! It felt good though.

Gabriel is still pretty darn cute and he knows it.

He's trying so hard to crawl and he's getting so close! He's starting to move his hands forward now, so I'm guessing it might only be another week before he's really moving around. He's pretty content to just play most of the time though. He's teething now, has about 4 coming in on the top from the looks of it. Poor little guy has been more fussy this week because of it but it hasn't been too bad.

I held Gabriel up to say goodnight the other night and Dawson decided he wanted to cuddle Gabriel. So I put him on Dawson's pillow and they both decided that was pretty fun.

Then Gabriel found his musical seahorse that Dawson has taken over and was looking at it. Dawson was very happy to have him in his bed. Plus he was showing off for the camera. When I went to take Gabriel back down, Dawson blocked my hand with a serious face and said "no mommy, Gabriel sleep here". To cute! Unfortunately I'm against letting 8 month old babies sleep in the top bunk, no matter how cute of face I get begging me! I did finally get him back and into his own crib.

So Dawson decided to join Gabriel instead. I heard giggling. A sound I really missed, Dawson and Tyler used to cuddle and giggle every night at bedtime. I went in his room to find this. I love that they are bonding! Dawson is paying so much more attention to Gabriel these days. They're gonna be best buddies.

Dawson was having some more aggression issues and trouble finding things to do at home, so I got him some beans and used Tyler's med box that I'd just cleaned up to make a little sensory tub. He loves it! He often goes to it during the day and it really seems to calm him.

On Wednesday Dawson had an appt, so my organizing friend came early to play with Gabriel. She'd planned on coming to finish cleaning and organizing anyway. She even brought her mom who wanted to help. They washed the floors, counters, sinks and bathtub, vacuumed, and organized more things. I got a big box unpacked and some organizing done too. When Dawson got off the bus, he gave her 4 year old boy a big hug and even a kiss on the cheek. I think he likes having a buddy around, especially after seeing him a few times now. They came for just a playdate over the weekend too. We definitely have to schedule more playdates. It's so cute seeing Dawson enjoying having people around.

She had brought this cube storage to put in the closet to utilize more space. The shoes had been sitting in a pile at the bottom of the closet or on a rug outside the closet. It's so much more open to not have shoes there! Has a spot for hats and gloves too. Dawson caught on quickly that this is where his shoes go. Today he'd just ditched them on the rug and I just had to ask them to put his shoes away and he remembered they go in here now and put them away.

Dawson's Psychologist appt went well this morning. This lady didn't grab at him or try to ask him questions he didn't understand. She just observed and talked to me. She answered some questions and gave some suggestions and we talked about how he understands things and what might help him to understand better. Dawson played a magnet puzzle, wrote letters and numbers on the dry erase board and then played catch with a ball. He threw the ball really high once and bumped the clock on the wall, which proceeded to fall down and the glass broke to pieces. Never a dull moment with us it seems! He didn't get hit or anything, he ran and stood behind me though, looking at it with that "uh oh!" look on his face.

After the appt we went to "The O Store", which is Target. He sees the big red O on the side and just calls it the O store. He was very excited to find out Grandma was there. We had planned to meet up, but Dawson didn't understand the concept of Grandma being at the store. He heard "Grandma" and wanted to go to her house. Once we saw her van, he was very excited. He got to look at toys with Grandma for about 20 minutes, then it was time for school. So Dawson and I went to his school, he had a slight tantrum, but it was over when his teacher brought out the iPad for him to play with. Apparently all the Special Ed teachers have them for the kids to learn with and kids like Dawson really do well with them. He was navigating that thing so well! Swiping his finger to the side to go to different pages, pointing to things and finding the games he likes. It was neat to see him enjoying it so much. Too bad they're so expensive! Afterward I went back to Target where my mom still had Gabriel and we looked around some more. I think I'm set for Christmas ideas for everyone now.

Gabriel and I got home and he was napping, so I let him sleep for a bit. It looks so nice in there. Feels so good to walk in and see empty kitchen counters instead of a cluttered mess. I round the corner and find more free space! It's so refreshing. I decided to bake some cookies. Someone had brought over some cookie dough that's already made into cookie blobs, so I just had to put them on the sheet. It really seemed too easy! Turned out to be a good thing though, since Gabriel woke up and wanted to nurse. Shortly after Dawson got home on the bus, a friend stopped over with a meal she'd made. They've been so nice to have! Not having to worry about cooking, especially when we've been so busy or just so unmotivated to make anything decent, has been great! Otherwise I'm sure we'd be living on pizza and chicken nuggets because it's easy! Instead we've had lasagna, homemade soup, meatloaf, chicken enchiladas, beef stew, chicken/rice dish, and many other good meals. I'm constantly blown away by people's generosity.

This evening we had ECFE class. Dawson decided he wanted to play outside, but it was too cold and dark for that. Once we got in the classroom he was fine though. Gabriel loves class. He flirts with all the moms and teachers and is right at home. He was so used to all the attention at the hospital, he's not used to things being so quiet at home. So we get to places like that and he just lights up and is so happy. Gabriel likes the ball pit, he actually dives for it and sit there and watches the kids jump around and throw balls. Dawson takes running leaps into it and Gabriel smiles so big. It's nice to see them happy.

It's still pretty hard to be in the same preschool room and gym that we were in with Tyler. Tomorrow it will be 1 month without Tyler and I still sometimes can't believe he's really gone. I still have moments when I'm in the store or doing something where it feels like I should be keeping an eye out for 3 kids. It's like one is missing and then I remember I only have 2 now. It's still so hard, those moments when I think about him not ever being here again. He's in my mind every moment of every day, but there are still times where I really think more about things and it's so painful. Dawson has been having a harder time too. Yesterday when we got in the van he said "go see Tyler". I talked to him about it again and he ignored me and said "no, go see Tyler". The one that killed me was "give Tyler kiss". All he wants to do is go give his brother a kiss, and he has no idea why he isn't able to. I sure wish I could find the words to help him understand. So far, nothing is really working. No parent or sibling should have to go through this.

Big Clothes Project

2011-11-27T23:09:00.013-06:00

Today's goal was all the kid's clothes. I use plastic bins to store each size. I have 1 bin per size and have always kept them pretty neat. When the baby grows out of a size, I get the new size out of the closet and put the old size away. However, when living at RMH it's more difficult. I don't have time or energy to keep things neat, so clothes get shoved into a bag as they get outgrown or an empty diaper box. Gabriel was in 0-3 month clothes when we moved into RMH and he was in 12mo before we moved out of there. Tyler went from 18mo to 24mo and some 2T while we were there. Dawson went from 3T to 4T. So we had a ton of clothes in just about every size to sort and get into bins. Plus people had given us clothes too, so it was a lot of sorting.
Dan helped me bring all the totes out of the closet and we spread them around the room to have access to them all while we sort. I also wanted to go through and get rid of some things we don't want or need, the jeans with holes, etc. I started and saw Tyler's jacket, and his cute fluffy robe and some other things. I then decided I wasn't going to be able to do this project without some distraction. So I called up a friend from my mom's club and she was happy to come over and help. So we sorted clothes and chatted a bit. Gabriel started fussing after a while, so then she kept him entertained while I got more done. It's so nice having help! Here's the room full of bins.

2 bins and a box of clothes I'm going to get rid of

Some is going to another boy with Infant Leukemia. They just moved to LA from South Africa to get better treatment and they are stuck with all the medical bills since they don't qualify for insurance here in the US. So I figured the least I can do is help out with clothes and some toys. I have a bin that's going to Once Upon a Child. I sell clothes there and get more of what we need with the money I get from them. Some of it is going to a Christmas donation organization for needy families. I just heard about that tonight, so I'm going to sort through the toys for them too in the next couple days. I also have blankets and stuff for the Women's Shelter in town and our unused blankets are going to a cancer organization, Blair's Tree of Hope, to go back to the hospital for other kids with cancer. So this week's goal is to get all that stuff to where it needs to go! Except BTOH, I'm meeting with her another time. For incentive, some of the things that need to leave this place are now in the hallway.

After she left, Gabriel was being fussy, so I was chatting with another friend on facebook and she ended up coming over to play with Gabriel for a while so I could finish. It's nice having a friend who lives only a couple minutes away! He was being a bit fussy and towards last he was even giving me dirty looks. I got it all sorted into bins and boxes of what goes where though and the rest put back into the closet.

It's really nice not having this pile in front of the closet anymore. Some of it is in the hallway, other stuff got tossed onto another pile of stuff, so I can't really say it found a home, but at least it's less in the way now. It's a start. At least this area looks nicer now. This is the "before" picture. Now all that's left is the bassinet that has some things in it but nothing next to it or in front of the door.

For not even wanting to get out of bed today, I think I got a lot done. I've been trying to get up earlier, but today it just wasn't happening. I had gotten up to get Gabriel and nurse him, but then Dan took him when he got up and I fell back asleep. Dan sent Dawson to tell me to get up and he came in with his cute face and said "Get up please Mommy!". So of course I had to. Dawson helped me with laundry today too, we got 2 loads done. He likes carrying the quarters and putting them in the machine (apartment laundry).

I'm hoping to get some of that stuff out of here while Dawson is at school this week. Tuesday and Wednesday I have people coming over. I also have appts on Wednesday and Thursday morning. It's looking to be a busy week, which will be nice.

This poem I got from another grieving mom.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

Progress and Pictures

2011-11-26T23:14:00.010-06:00

I got some things done today! I had company in the afternoon, Dawson got a couple playmates. Two boys, one his age and an almost 2 year old. He seemed to like having the extra kids around. It was nice having people around too.
After they left I found some motivation and got to work. I tackled the breakfast bar in the kitchen. It was our catch-all for papers and other things. When we moved back in, we put a lot of things up there. I took a bunch of pictures yesterday for motivation, so I can post before and after pics. So here's what I did today! Feels SO good to have a clean countertop! I hope it stays that way. I still have a few things to clean off it, but it's so much better than it used to be. I even made some cookies with all the space I have. Though I cheated, it was just cookie dough someone had brought us, but it's a start!

Gabriel is liking his "new" musical toy I brought out for him the other day. He's sure getting hair now too! Dawson took 2 years to get this much hair.

Dawson saw me get a picture of Gabriel and wanted one also. It's so cute how he wants pics taken and then he has to look at the picture right away too and he smiles so big.

I told him to kiss Gabriel. He mostly does this to show off for the camera. ;)

We found this Angel at Menards. We went to the Christmas section to look at all the trees on display and to look for some ornaments. Dawson loved it! On our way there we saw some houses with lights also, which really got Dawson excited for "Chriscris".

My most alive looking flowers. Most of the rest are gone now. The Calla Lilies are alive, but some are drooping and the rest are long gone.

This is a painting that Tyler's message board group had made for us.

They used part of my Caringbridge post from the night Tyler died. It's amusing because I was so tired that night and just whipped something together quick so I could update people and get to bed, so at first I wasn't sure what to think of them using that, but it's still so true and it's good to think of him being happy. I just wish I could watch him play for a while again.

Our hallway had several things that just got tossed there when we moved back, and even when we moved into the apartment, so they are at least all in their correct rooms now.

The boxes will be gone soon too. I sorted through some toys and am giving a box of cars and things to a friend's 2 year old.

Gabriel usually starts out on his belly, but lately he's been sleeping on his side. Babies look so peaceful when they sleep!

We found this ornament at Menards. It's a little Angel on a cloud with a Christmas Tree

We also found this one. It's so shiny that I couldn't get a decent picture of the words. It says "If I had just one wish, It would be for a stairway, that reached up to Heaven, so I could bring you Home"

I had another rough evening. They're usually hard. I try to keep busy, but it's so quiet and I always end up thinking about Tyler and all that we're missing with him gone. Everything seems to boring with him gone. He kept everything interesting and always kept Dawson busy and kept us on our toes. I was thinking about what Dawson must think, and wondering what he thinks about Gabriel. Today I read about a 4 year old girl who had lost her 10 month old baby brother. The mom is now pregnant and the girl wants to know when the baby will be born, and when the baby will die. It's what happens to siblings, right? It's hard to read about these other hurting siblings, but at the same time it's helpful to hear what they are thinking since Dawson doesn't talk about feelings or thoughts. There's so many things that you just wouldn't think of.

I'm not sure what hurts worse, missing him myself or worrying about Dawson missing him. Or worrying about our family as a whole, trying to move forward with each day and somehow function with this new handicap. I walk in the store and it feels so weird. I can't even explain it, I'm almost shaking and I just feel very out of my comfort zone sometimes. I feel it should be obvious to everyone, but they just carry on. They can't see the pain I'm in, they have no clue what it's like. Or maybe they do, and they're just trying to blend in too. Some days I wish I could be carrying a sign with my current thought or inspirational message telling everyone how precious life and children are. I've heard that the pain never goes away, we just learn to live with the pain and carry on.

I used to be so anxious for the toddler years to be over, and now that Dawson is saying things that are making him sound like such a little boy instead of a toddler, I find myself nervous of what the next stage is going to be like! Dawson is now a little negotiator. Today I was trying to get him to eat his supper. He chose Spaghetti Os. Then he wanted spaghetti instead, which I wasn't about to make since the can was already open. He then left in a huff and went to play on the computer. I told him it's time to eat. He said "Mom, no" with a serious look. Then he started babbling, and I caught little phrases here and there. He pointed to the clock and was saying something about look at the clock, it's time for computer now. Apparently the clock is now on his side. He doesn't know time at all yet, but I've done the same thing, telling him the clock says it's time to do something. So I guess he's turning it around on me now. It took a lot not to laugh as he was pointing at the clock with his serious face. He's so cute! He hasn't been eating as well lately though. If we push him, he eats nothing and gets aggressive, so we try to find a happy medium. Hopefully he'll get back to some better eating habits. I haven't been as hungry for the things I used to like either, so we're trying to take it easy on him and consider what he might be going through. At the same time we'd really like him to eat something! So he was bouncing back and forth, coming back for spoonfuls and we'd applaud with every bite. He didn't eat a lot, but he did get several spoonfuls in him. Lots of praise and negotiations. That's what the Autism Center had been doing, so we've been trying to continue that since it seemed to work for him. We just need to keep on top of it, but most days I feel quite lacking in brainpower and barely have the energy for it!

Gabriel has been very fussy lately. I'm not sure if he's picking up on the stress and emotions of everyone or if he has something going on too. He has periods of being happy too, but he gets fed up with things very easily and just hasn't been himself. I thought he was constipated, so I gave him prunes. He slept twice his usual amount yesterday and today, plus he was just really fussy. He did poop a decent amount, so I was happy with that, but now he's still fussing and arching his back. I'm trying not to freak out, but that's how Tyler was acting right before diagnosis. It's common to worry though and go right to thinking the worst after we've been there. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T23:54:00.006-06:00

Our first holiday without Tyler is over. We went to my parent's house and we did make it through the day and even had a little fun, but there were a lot of mixed emotions. This all sucks. I can't go anywhere without reminders of him. Gabriel sat in Tyler's highchair at my parent's house, Dawson is using Tyler's carseat in the van since Dawson's is in the car. Tyler was my good eater, so while Dawson refused all the food, I couldn't help but think of how excited Tyler would've been to see it all. We went for a walk and played on the swings, two things Tyler loved doing. It's hard not going through daily life not thinking about things like this. Tyler loved everything we did and was always so excited about things.

Dawson loved going to Grandma's house and had a good time, but he seemed to be having some mixed emotions too. For a while he'd be happy, then he'd get aggressive or just look sad and need to cuddle. He was doing a lot of hitting, kicking and things he hasn't been doing at home anymore, so I think he was just missing Tyler too.

Gabriel loved all the attention. He had some pumpkin pie, a piece of stuffing and some turkey. He wasn't sure about the pie, but he loved the turkey and stuffing. I have a feeling he's going to have no problem wanting to transition to regular foods when the time comes! For now he's mostly doing baby food and some Gerber Puffs.

Today and yesterday was just harder on both of us. Things are settling down now, we're getting less mail, less phone calls. Dawson is back in school. We haven't been to the hospital or to appointments. The feeling that I should be going somewhere each morning is gone. I look at my appt calendar and it's so empty. We're starting to miss him more and realize he's actually gone. Today I went into the toy room to clean some things out that nobody has played with in a while to give to a friend. I haven't really gone in there yet and it was so hard to see all his toys. Stuff he played with everyday, the toys he'd just gotten as gifts in the hospital but was too tired to play with them for more than a few minutes. So we put them aside thinking he'll have fun with them later. Dawson doesn't want to go in there either. He wants nothing to do with most of our toys. Maybe he's having the same problem. He plays with a bunch of balls in a basket, or the computer. He has actually started to play with Gabriel a little bit here and there. I brought out some new toys that they were both interested in, so that helped.

Sorry for the lack of pictures on my blog these days, it's been one of my issues. It's hard for me to get out my camera knowing I won't get any more pictures of Tyler. I do want to get pics of the other 2 kids, but I just haven't been able to yet. I did get 1 picture of Gabriel sleeping in his Jumperoo, and the funeral flowers because I knew they wouldn't last. Otherwise I think of getting it out and I just don't. I bring it places sometimes but don't use it. When Tyler broke my camera in July, the thought of going without it for 2 weeks was just awful. Now it's been 3 and I've barely thought about it. So today I decided to get it out and get a few pics. It actually wasn't that bad. Hopefully I'll get back into it. The first several were from the day I took flower pics. These flowers are all dead now.

I love this picture of Dawson!

He was being quite a ham that day

I love the peaceful view out our big living room window! We can see the river through the trees a little bit too when the leaves are gone. Much better than looking at a parking lot like our old apartment.

Gabriel being his usual cute self

He looks so little, even 2 weeks ago!

He looked so peaceful sleeping in there! These pictures really get to me though, because right before Tyler was diagnosed I got a picture just like this. Little did I know, he was falling asleep in his toys because his counts were low. So moments like this make me want to rush him to the clinic. According to other moms, it's very normal to freak out over little things like this. Dawson is looking at this picture and he says "Look Mommy, it's Tyler!" It took some convincing for him to realize it was Gabriel. They look so much alike! He looks at pictures of Tyler a lot on the computer.

Gabriel came over to the couch and was working on standing up. Then he saw the camera and decided to be cute for a picture instead.

Dawson is sitting by the balcony door playing with his basket and balls. He usually plays with them in the basket, but sometimes he'll line them up like this too. I think he misses RMH's pool table!

The living room is looking much better than before! The boxes were stacked out to where the jumperoo was, we just had a small path along the couch to walk. It's looking much better in here! That black box has a bunch of random little stuff in it though, so hopefully it's not too hard to sort through it all. We're hoping to put the tree up in front of the window in the next couple weeks.

I do still have many things to be Thankful for.

~I have 2 kids that give me a reason to get up in the morning.

~They give me a reason to be excited for Christmas and other things

~I have the best, most content baby ever

~A sweet toddler who makes me laugh

~I have family and friends who are so supportive

~We have a place to call Home

~I have a faithful husband who loves and puts up with me, even on the worst days. When we agreed to "for better or for worse", we really didn't see all this crap coming, but we are stronger and closer because of it.

I'm also Thankful and it puts me more at peace knowing we gave Tyler as fun and good of a life as possible while he was here. For a 2 year old, he's really done a lot. He's been to 4 Zoo's in 3 states (MN, WI, IL), the Children's Museum in MN and Madison, WI, the State Fair and County Fair. He got to go on lots of rides and he discovered how much fun they are! He got to pet animals and play with other kids. He's been to every playground in town, and we have a lot of them! Even been to some that aren't in town. We walked through the flower gardens and watched the ducks on the river. We even went to the dam and watched the "waterfall". He got to go to "school" 2 times a week (evening preschool classes) and totally loved it. He got to ride a bus, even though it was just a shuttle bus. He got to see the Blue Angels plane show. Ride a pony. He got to splash in puddles until he was totally soaked, sled down hills and run through the grass. If we were driving and saw a train, we'd pull off in a parking lot and watch it go by. He'd be so excited. He went to Chicago, saw the big ships and watched fireworks over the lake. He went to the top of the Sears Tower and looked over everything. He went to the Science Museum and saw many cool things. He had a lot of toys and things at home too, he was a bit spoiled with his own ball pit, train table and many other things he loved. I'm glad he got to enjoy them all though.

Tyler only had 17 months at home after he was diagnosed and I think we packed a lot into them and made the most of it. He sure loved life and was so excited for each day, whether it was having fun at home or going somewhere fun. He taught me how to enjoy all those little things and we have so many good memories and for that I am Thankful.

Three Weeks

2011-11-23T23:53:00.001-06:00

It's been 3 weeks, though it feels like much longer. Tomorrow we're going to my parent's house for Thanksgiving, though I'm not feeling the holiday spirit. Thankfully I have my other 2 boys to give me things to look forward to. I'm excited to have Dawson help set up the tree and see what Gabriel thinks of it.

We've been working on cleaning more. There's only 1 stack of boxes left in the living room. It's looking so much better! It's hard not to look around and get overwhelmed, but I'm continuing to remind myself to just do what I can and worry about the rest later. Today's goal was to make more room for Gabriel to play in the living room, and we did.

Dawson is loving school, he happily gets on the bus and is smiling when he gets home. His teacher says he's talking to other kids, which is a big improvement from when he left school in April! I'm glad he's made such improvements, despite being moved around so much.

Gabriel has learned to army crawl and is getting quite efficient at getting around the living room. He moves faster each day it seems. He can go from sitting to his belly and back to sitting again. He can pull up and stand along furniture. He even moved his legs and walked several feet when having his hands held. I didn't even know he could do that, a couple days ago he didn't, but a friend did it yesterday with him and suddenly he just took off! He's such a motivated and determined little boy!
Here's a poem I found on a bereaved mothers group:

There will always be a empty chair at the table.

There will always be a hole in a grieving mother's heart.

There will always be "why's" and "what if's" and "what could I have done different's", when in reality it is God's decision, not our own.

There will always be moments during happy times that you wish you could share that with your child.

There will always be tearful times, and once more, we will dry our tears and put on our coping face and move forward.

There will always be a shadow of sorrow that travels our life path with us.

There will always be well meaning people that tell us how to grieve and when to stop grieving.

There will always be regret for something that we feel like we didn't do enough of or well enough.

There will always be a tinge of guilt because our child died and we continued to live.

There will always be that raw spot that lives in our soul.

There will always be days that emotions run too high and hurt runs too deep.

But one sweet glorious day, we will meet our children in heaven and there we will always be.

Two Good Days

2011-11-20T23:48:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was very motivated and feeling good. My headache stayed away most of the day and at most was just a dull headache. I got Dawson's clothes in his dresser, 2 small suitcases, 3 bags and 2 boxes emptied. Also all the diaper boxes are on the shelf. So we now have all the suitcases emptied and I can walk through the boy's room without dodging boxes and tripping on things. I still have a lot to clean out in there, but at least I can find their clothes now without digging in suitcases and boxes.

Gabriel has been very active, continuing to try pulling up on things and inching around the room. He was sitting on the couch with Dawson and I and suddenly grabbed Dawson's cheerios and started eating them. One at a time, he happily munched on cheerios until his little pile that Dawson had spilled was gone. Gabriel was so excited for the new food. I guess he'll be having cereal now! He does have 2 teeth and does well with it, I'm just still in denial that he's old enough to be doing these things! Once again I have spent the little baby days in the hospital. Though I was with him everyday, there just isn't that quality and comfort that you get at home, so it almost feels like I've missed out.

Today I sold Gabriel's exersaucer on craigslist. He still has his jumperoo that he prefers, and it's so nice getting a big baby thing out of the living room. We have a long way to go as far as cleaning and getting our floor space back, but we're chipping away at it slowly.

We went to my parent's house today for my dad's birthday. It's still very hard going places with the kids, getting them out of the car and only having 2. I actually miss how crazy it was having all 3 out and about. I can actually go in someplace and not need the stroller. It's very weird. Dawson was excited that we were going to Grandma's house. He chanted "grandma's house" all the way out of town and several times on the highway too. It's nice seeing him get excited. It wasn't too bad, but it's tough being in places with so many memories. It seems so quiet without Tyler running around and driving shake n go cars up and down the hallway. I'm realizing lately that many of the things they played with was all Tyler's interest. Without him here, Dawson doesn't touch the cars at all. They used to fight over them. Dawson decided to play with a couple balls for most of the time we were there.

We have this white stuff on the ground now. I'm partially in denial and partially just grumpy about it. I can't believe it's winter already. I still remember being so excited when the snow melted and the ground started drying up a bit so the boys could play outside. Tyler wasn't supposed to be around mud, so we had to wait. Then after only a few times outside, Tyler broke his leg, then 2 days later we found out he relapsed and then we were admitted toward the end of April. We did get a few days in July and some time in August, but for the most part he was in the hospital from April to Nov. That's a huge chunk of the year. My favorite months of the year. I'm not a fan of winter. I could live at the hospital the entire winter and not mind at all, but that was the 2nd summer/fall that's been taken from us now and that's just really annoying. Winter is depressing. It gets dark around 4:30 now, I keep thinking it's bedtime when really it's not even supper time yet. The evenings were hard enough before we turned the clocks back and added an extra hour of suffering. Evenings are boring. They're supposed to be relaxing, but when I get bored and relax I often can't find anything to do, so then I start feeling lonely.

Tomorrow Dawson has his first day back at school! I'm excited for him. I think it'll be good for him to get back. He loves school and things to do with it. He has Leap Frog movie series and this week he's been watching Math to the Moon. Last night Dawson stayed awake until midnight. He was reciting numbers and math. "2, 4, 6, 8, 10" Counting by 10s to 100. "10 minus 10 equals 0" He's so smart and I'm glad he's so interested in things like that! Hopefully he'll like his new teacher as much as his last one.