Misery

This weekend has been tough. Being cooped up is not fun, especially when it's so nice outside! The snow has melted and I was itching to get outside. However, Gabriel is still feeling very crappy. Last night was bringing back memories of Tyler's last days before he went to the ICU to be sedated. Gabriel just wanted to cuddle, and he was so stuffed up that he wanted to be held upright. So as I cuddled him and held him upright I couldn't help but think of those awful days. I wish I'd known they would be my last days to hold him.

Today started out with a stuffy baby again. His cough sounds awful too and he looks at me with that totally miserable face and I wish I could do something. I did clear out his nose, which of course he thought was more torturous than helpful, but he did breathe a little better for a while after that. He did sleep all night thankfully. He had little interest in playing, he mostly lounged around and was my cuddle bug most of the day. He lounged in the bean bag chair a while too. He's had a low grade fever, but his chest still sounds clear. Hopefully it doesn't turn into anything else, that cough is such a rattly one!

I put him in the tub the other day to play and let the shower run against the wall. It did help clear him out a little bit. He liked playing in the tub for the most part, but was still pretty fussy. I love those wrinkly baby feet after a long bath!

 This picture reminds me so much of Tyler! He used to lay and watch this too. Gabriel loves watching the fish, especially when he isn't feeling so good. It's a calming thing.

 My poor miserable boy.

 Being the not-so-graceful person I am, I stubbed my toe really hard on a chair with metal legs. So my left pinkie toe is now about twice its normal size and there's a light bruise going from the base of the toe and into my foot. It still hurts a lot even 24 hours later. I was so excited to get out for a walk when we're feeling better too! Hopefully it doesn't set me back too much. I seem to be a bit injury-prone lately!

Last night I had another dream about Tyler. My 2nd one since he died. Last time he looked as he did when he died. This time he looked like he did at his best, before he relapsed. I knew he was gone and he would just appear places to walk with me. I picked him up and carried him for a while. People were looking at us funny because they knew he was gone and didn't understand. It just seemed to symbolize how it seems and was a nice reminder that he's always there with me. Was nice remembering how it felt to hold him, but also made me miss him so much.