Been home for 10 days now

There are not good and bad days. There are good and bad moments. Sometimes my mood changes within a few minutes, sometimes hours. Most of the time I'm unmotivated. Sometimes I feel ok, but then at the end of the day I realize I still did nothing. Some days I set goals, usually tiny goals. Friday I wanted to find places for all the flowers. We have 2 large arrangements, plus a couple large baskets, a vase and 4 smaller baskets. The next day I watered them all. I have a feeling they aren't going to last long. I've never had much luck with keeping flowers alive. Doesn't help that we've had no sunlight coming in today. The sunflowers are already looking very sad. Thankfully I got pics while they still looked good.

Yesterday I had a very productive day. I set no expectations and just figured I'd be happy with whatever I could get done. It's hard to even know where to start. A friend brought more food, so I started there. I got most of it put away. Our fridge is packed and there's no more room for anything in the cupboards, so there's lots of overflow on the floor. I unpacked 4 boxes of food. Then I found a bunch of old meds to bring to the drop box in down for disposal this week. I got some boxes together to go out to the garbage. I found 2 huge plastic bags that were used to pack a box with, so I used those for blankets. I now have a big bag of blankets for the women's shelter and a big bag of blankets for Blair's Tree of Hope, which will go back to the hospital for other kids with cancer. I kept the blankets with meaning, but we had so many that were never even used at all. Then I emptied 2 large suitcases. It's hard finding more of Tyler's things. Cars books, toys, his stuffed animal that has a central line, his little walking shoe for his cast when he broke his leg. I got it done though. Then I emptied Dawson's dresser, since he'd moved up a size. Got those clothes in bins and put in the closet, along with a few other bins we had out. I posted a few large baby things on craigslist since we have no room to store those things. I started a bag for medical stuff. Before we left RMH I put many boxes and bags full of medical stuff in the free area, but I'm sure we'll be finding stray things for years to come.

While I got some of those things done, a friend came over and took Dawson outside to play. So he got to play with her 2 year old daughter for a while. I had wanted to bring him to a model train show in town, but I woke up with a bad cold. I had planned on having people over this weekend to help with the kids. Sometimes just keeping up with the basic things is overwhelming. Other times I do get stuff done. Today I've been doing nothing. We ate and the diapers are changed, but my motivation has been seriously lacking. I was up most of the night. I hate these colds, I can barely breathe laying down and I can't get comfortable. On top of it I have a headache and I get dizzy when I move too fast. So I've been on the couch most of the day.

Dawson has been obsessing about video clips of Tyler. He watches them over and over. Sometimes just watching the same 3 seconds to hear a word repeated. He now sleeps in Tyler's bed. It's what he always does when Tyler is away. Last night he suddenly got very upset and came running out of his room wanting to cuddle. Maybe he's starting to have moments of realization. It's hard to tell what he's thinking. I'm going to get set up with a child psychologist to help us out. I also need to get his therapy team set up in town. Monday will be a busy day of phone calls.

Tonight's goal is a hot shower. Maybe it'll help with my cold.