Full Range of Emotions

I woke up feeling just fine. I had a list made from the night before of things I wanted to do and I was motivated. My headache was gone and so is my cold! So we gathered up everything we needed to have and got things done. The meds are in the drop bin at the sheriff's office, flowers have been mailed, Target returns made, old garage key turned over to manager, checks cashed, McDonalds eaten and we made it home all within 2 hours! I love having Dan with me for things like that, I can just run in and get stuff done! Thankfully Dawson did do well in Target, despite a huge tantrum on the way. He screamed and cried for what felt like forever, but was probably only about 10 minutes. He wanted to go see Tyler. He screamed with each corner I took and was screaming at me to stop the car. I had pulled off and tried to talk to him but he wasn't listening to anything. He just had to scream and cry for a while. He seemed much better after he got it all out. We had lots of cuddles when we got home and played catch for a while too. He went to bed a very tired little boy.

Gabriel had some excitement today. He's been inching around the room, wiggling, rocking on all fours and even getting up on his hands and feet trying to jump and step his way forward. Those arms aren't in cooperation yet though. Instead he's decided to try something else. He'd been sitting on the floor playing and suddenly Dan asked me if I put him like that. I looked over and he was standing up by a big box! I have no clue how he managed to reach the top of the box. Standing by it, the top of the box was just under his armpit height. He then decided to try going hands-free, but ended up on his butt. I stood him back up and then he just decided to be cool and stand with 1 arm on the box. He's so determined! I have a feeling he'll be very mobile by Christmas.

After we got home, I relaxed for a while, but then got back to work on getting things organized. I decided to tackle the kitchen table next. It's been collecting mail, papers and other junk since we left. So I went at it, throwing the junk mail first, making a pile for things to file away and then opened the mail that hadn't been touched. I was fine until that part. I found a survey for Children's, 7th floor, asking how our experience was. We had such a fun time on 7th floor, where we could play in the hallways and playroom. We had a lot of downs with our ups, but when I look back on that time I just remember my smiley Tyler and all the fun we made sure to have. Then I saw a Speech discharge papers from when he had Speech in town. It said that Tyler has "good potential". The next envelope was from insurance. They often had to approve larger things, like his transplant, but I haven't gotten approval letters for anything else until now. It was for his brain MRI, the one he was supposed to have before he ended up coding that morning just preparing for it. It brought back so many memories, I can still see him laying there, his chest red and flattened after going through all the chest compressions. He shook in pain all day after that, even with upping his pain meds and I just hate that he had to go through so much in those last 2 months and not have anything to show for it. Nobody should have to go through the suffering he did in those last 2 months and I don't think anyone truly realizes what he went through unless they were there. Not only in the ICU, but also the week before. My stress headache has really flared up this evening, just thinking of it all. It's amazing how a person can have such a full range of emotions in one day.

I hope someday there's a better system for a cure. I hate that so many people know this pain. Seven children die every single day from cancer. So many kids have suffered years of chemo, surgeries and pain, just to lose their battle anyway. I think about all the people that Tyler has affected, and I'm sure each of those children had many people who loved them too. That's so many hurting people. It's not fair at all. I don't understand what possible good reason there could be for all this pain and suffering, both for the children and the families.