Christmas at Home

Our first Christmas without Tyler has been a tough one. Having no snow on top of it really made the holiday hard to get in the mood for. I bought a few things, but other than that, everything we got was because of amazing people who wanted to help our boys have a great Christmas. They sure did!

 He loves things like this! It's been one of his most played with toys so far.

 Gabriel loves his driving toy

 Dawson's toy is pretty fun looking too!

 A baby laptop! Gabriel decided this one was better suited for himself, so he left Dawson's alone after that.

 Soft lion

 Back to those toys that Mom didn't quite get far enough out of sight.

 Back to the presents

 Another favorite! He had many giggles from his See n Say

 Can't forget about that yummy wrapping paper though

 Paper is so exciting!

 Bath Time Bubble Maker! The boys were really having a blast with this today. I suctioned it to our dishwasher and they sat in the kitchen for about an hour with it!

 The lights are fun to play with

 A clock puzzle!

 Gabriel was intrigued

 Dawson was awesome about cleanup. After each gift or two we put all the paper in the garbage bag so Gabriel wouldn't eat it.

 Really getting into the gift opening

 Sid the Science Kid episodes! He hasn't seen this show before, but he plays it on PBSkids, so he recognized it and was excited.

 Gabriel loves mirrors!

 Another cartoon set! Little Einsteins.

 I saved the best for last, because I knew there'd be no more gift opening after this. He was so excited he didn't quite know what to do with himself. :)  He loved the pool table at Ronald McDonald House, so when I saw this for $10 at Menards I was excited. Didn't even know they made mini versions!

 That box needed to be opened, like NOW! He wasted no time in getting that thing out. The balls are smaller than I thought they'd be, so I told him he can only play it on his train table out of Gabriel's reach, or when Gabriel is sleeping. He's very good about keeping the balls together thankfully.

 I had stacked most of it on the couch, since Gabriel likes eating boxes and things.

 Dan got the box set series of Stargate.

 Gabriel was playing with his See n Say. This one has a music picture and plays songs if you land on it. He was getting so giggly over this thing. Or maybe it was my singing along with it that sounded funny. ;)

 Driving toy!

 Since we took the gate down from around the tree, he was finally able to get at the ornaments.

 Dawson's gift from us. Thanks to some awesome friends who gave us a bunch of Amazon swagbucks codes, we got this for a great price!

 We have fingerpaints! I'll admit I'm a little nervous, but I'm much more calm about letting them get messy than I used to be. Dawson did that Pooh puzzle 5 times today. The Tigger isn't the actual pic though, I should've turned it over! He's still learning how to do real puzzles, but he's really getting the hang of it when he puts his mind to it. I love that we got Trouble too, we don't have a lot of games. We got ZhuZhu Puppies also.

 Learning Lantern, stackable cups, bubble machine, Uno Moo (which we played today, he loves it!), See n Say, Slinkie (that I've untangle twice today, but he's learning to be more gentle), a whistle and some figurines.

 Clock puzzle, plastic baby puzzle, stacking cups, baby laptop, tamborine, Clifford sippy cup, driving toy.

 7 stuffed animals

 My stack, the last 2 Harry Potter movies, bubble bath stuff, photo frame, necklace with dangly earings. Maybe I should work up the courage to get my ears pierced. I've only been thinking about it for about 15 years!

 2 identical laptops, 2 Tag reading system books, a book, a Leapster Explorer game, Knex set, monster truck, blanket, bouncy ball.

 Car mirror, carseat toy, electronic baby book, Land Before Time movie, book for Mom

 And of course his pool table

I've also heard that we have a box or 2 more coming that didn't make the Christmas shipping! I'm seriously overwhelmed with everyone's generosity! The things we have doubles of will be swapped out for gifts of their choice. The boys also have Christmas money from Dan's parents to spend, so they'll have fun shopping. Will be waiting until the stores calm down a bit though!

It took us about an hour to get through the stuff. It's hard not to think about how excited Tyler would've been. Last year he was climbing on all the boxes and was so excited about everything. Preparing for Christmas was tough, I kept seeing toys that I had in mind to get Tyler. I organized the playroom and found toys that Tyler had gotten from people while he was in the ICU and never got to play with. I found his favorite toys that sit untouched because Dawson just isn't into that stuff. Many of the toys we got for Christmas I kept thinking of how much Tyler would've loved that. I miss his enthusiasm for everything. He would have the brightest excited look on his face, arms flapping and everything as we helped him unwrap things.

Honestly I seem to be doing worse than when we first came home. Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's just the next stage of grief taking over. The waves of sadness are much stronger now to the point of almost being a panic attack. I get intense feelings of being sad, hopeless, angry, lonely and depressed. Then other times I'll be fine, I play with the kids or get things done around home. I'm just so moody! I thought it was bad when I was pregnant and overdue, but this might be worse! I get crabby over the dumbest things and sometimes nothing at all. I'll go from having a lot of motivation to wanting to sit on the couch most of the day. I often physical symptoms too, bad headache, muscle cramps, overall fatigue. I won't go into the more unpleasant symptoms. Some days I just miss him like crazy, while other days I seem to think about certain things specifically. Like the moment he died, and everything leading up to it. Or the things he's suffered through his whole life. The fun times we had and the cute sounds and faces he'd make. Other times I'll see something and realize all that he got shorted of. Like going to school, finding a best friend, falling in love, getting married, having kids. I'm sure as life progresses I'll always wonder what he would've been doing. I'm realizing that this is not just a temporary thing, though I knew it before, I think the numb stage is leaving and these things are feeling much more real. I've heard from some people who are further along the grieving path that this is all very normal and it's common for it to last at leat 6 months or so. It's different for everyone, so I guess we'll see.