Memorial Service Planning

When my grandpa passed away, after hearing what a process the funeral planning is, I was nervous at the thought of someday having to do it. Of course that will be a very long time from now, so no worries right? I never thought I'd be planning a funeral only a couple years later, and worse, for my own child! This stuff happens to other people, right? I remember getting a cord blood registry ad in the mail when I was pregnant and thinking "I won't need that". Those things happen to other people. Then when Tyler was diagnosed I changed my tune, a little bit. Tyler was a fighter, he pulled through and we were excited to be done. He wasn't going to relapse, that only happens to other people. Then it did. Ultimately, we weren't going to lose our child to cancer, that only happens to other people. Then it did. I remember reading something on that order when Tyler was first diagnosed. I tried to wrap my head around it, but it just wasn't a fathomable thought. It's natural to think this way. It's often hard to imagine something until it happens, and our minds often just don't want to go there anyway. I have actually had people de-friend me on facebook because "that stuff doesn't happen to people like me and I don't want to read about it". Ignorance is bliss I guess.

I called the funeral home friday morning, expecting to be able to come in. Thinking these things happen pretty quickly. He said we could get things started on monday morning. At first I was annoyed, but then I was grateful for the time we had to talk about things at home and make some decisions. We weren't sure whether to choose a burial or cremation. We don't have a house yet, who knows where we'll settle down. Plus Tyler really didn't look much like himself in the end and we would rather remember him as the cute happy little boy that he was. Plus we get to keep him with us. The more I thought about it, the more the cemetery thing just creeped me out. I got to chat with many parents who've lost a child and many who buried regretted the decision and everyone who cremated was happy with it. Thankfully money was not a factor in any decision. Thanks to so many donations we were able to get it covered.

The lady we met with was very nice. I asked if they've done many child funerals and she said no, usually kids this age don't die. They see many infants due to birth problems, SIDS and other things, then they really don't see many kids between 1 and 15. After that kids are driving. It was tough choosing things because what she said was so obvious. In the "infant and children" book there was mostly very baby themed things. Then they really had no children's urns, just for babies and adults. I told her I would get one myself online. We went over all the options, the guestbook, flowers, etc and decided on those things. The only thing I really had an issue with was that for the cremation she was required to explain the process and have us sign that we understand. I know what they do, in general. I really didn't need the details! I am a visual person and that just makes things even harder. The only problem we ran into was that the funeral home, which brags to be the biggest one around, only holds 100 people for services and only holds 50 people for a luncheon. So we set it up at the church my MOPS group uses and that is working pretty well so far. We're meeting with the Pastor and his wife on Thursday to figure out the details of the service. Today we were back at the funeral home to give them pictures for the slide show and create the card for the service. The main holdup has been the Pastor being out of the country. He'll be back wednesday night and we're meeting thursday. It seems so last minute. I also have to prepare a eulogy and decide who's going to do that.

Right now we are going through the motions, getting done what has to be done with the funeral planning. I've needed to do laundry since we got back Thursday and it still isn't started. I've needed to unpack more too and nothing has been touched. I don't feel overwhelmed, just unmotivated and numb. I've been meaning to take Dawson to a park, but haven't been able to. It has been cold out though, so that's a factor. He has this lingering cough from the cold he had and now this morning he woke up with his eyelashes caked with goop and his eyes were red. Took him to the Dr today and they confirmed that it's pink eye. I have some ointment to put in his eyes 4 times a day. Not fun! He was ok when I told him it would make his eyes feel better, and I asked him to lay down. He did! I told him I had to put it on his eye to make it better and he was ok with that. Until I started doing it. He really didn't fight as much as I thought he would though and once it was done he stood up and we just focused on the thought that it was all done and that his eyes are going to feel better. He didn't like the clinic much. He's used to going, but not as the patient. He did his usual thing, looked for a sucker and wandered around the room. He didn't like being put on the table and said "No! Tyler's turn!". He did hold still a bit when I told him they need to look at his eyes, nose and mouth.

This evening we got invited to go rollerskating and decided it would be good to talk to some friends and relax a little. Thankfully the friend who's been watching Dawson the last few days was happy to come babysit while we de-stressed. It's weird living on this side of town, the roller rink is only a few minutes away now! The 90 minutes flew by so fast. It was nice to get out of the house for something besides the funeral home though.

What's Cookin'?

It's been a pretty easy going couple of days. On Tuesday I got a call from the Help Me Grow program at the school. The same one that sends someone for Dawson once a week. Tyler now qualifies for some services as well. Someone is coming on May 4th to do a quick evaluation and update his file to make sure he does need services. He's just a bit behind in speech. He hasn't picked up a new word in about 8 months. At this age, speech isn't a really huge deal, but since Tyler is on chemo, they'd like to get things going early to keep him going in the right direction. Chemo often causes learning disorders and other things so we like to keep ahead of things. Many kids on chemo have physical difficulties with muscle tone also, but he's actually on the top of the curve in his physical development, so no worries there. The Dr is always very impressed to see what all he's doing. I can't wait for the day when he can walk into the clinic on his own.

I took the tape off his incision yesterday, it's healing just as well as it did the first time. They did use the exact same line, so I was relieved that he doesn't have to have yet another scar. I still feel his port all the time, it's just habit now! It's still in place and facing the right way, which is always a relief. I'm still trying to baby that shoulder so I don't stretch anything!

I'm still going skating every Tuesday. It's a lot of fun and feels good to break up the week a bit and get out. It really helps. Mon, Tues and Wed are hard with the meds because I have 1 extra those days. He still fights them and it takes 2-3 hours to get them all in. Tonight I finally got them all down and he threw up. It's so frustrating! It was enough to need a bath, which he enjoyed but seemed to be missing Dawson who was already asleep.

Sleeping babies are so cute!

I don't get many pics of Dawson anymore. Every time he sees the camera, he wants it for himself and is behind the camera before I can get a pic! But I convinced him to hold still for a few.

He was trying to pose

Smiling but also annoyed that I wouldn't give it to him!

Patience gone!

Adorable smile! I was holding him and trying to take a pic, so it's off center.

My little Tyler monster!

Things should be more interesting now that he's learned to climb!

Good thing I taught him to get down before he figured out how to go up. :)

He's good at it too!

Tyler has hair!! It seems to be growing fast.

Dawson was so tired. The babysitter wore him out good I guess! He fell asleep on the couch, rolled and fell off. I guess he was too tired to either lay on the floor or get up again, so he stayed like this! He didn't complain or even wake up when I scooped him up and brought him to bed.

I went to heat up some leftover Mac n Cheese today but found this when I opened the microwave. Nice to know that Dawson and I had the same idea today!! My way of making it tastes better though! Good thing he didn't actually turn it on, he's done that in the past. I will find plastic cups and bowls in the microwave. He just scoots his chair right up there. I can't convince him to keep away from it!

Tyler is excited and clapping. He does this a lot, he's the happiest baby I know. :)

Dawson wanted a pic of him at the table too.

Loving Spring!

We've been loving spring and taking advantage of the nice weather! On Friday we went to the library. Dawson likes putting the movies in the return. Then he likes handing the card to the librarian. He's been trying to help wherever he can. It's pretty cute, but takes extra time, so I try to leave with plenty of time to let him do things. We went to Aldi's for the first time, that place is great, very good, cheap food. I saw my aunt Nyla there too, who enjoyed seeing me and the boys again. We also went to the More 4 Less thrift store and found a pair of jeans for Dawson, then we went to Once Upon a Child and found a few more pairs. So he's finally good on jeans. They were both pretty sick of shopping by the time we were done with it all, so they got to play outside when we got home. They always enjoy that.

Saturday was Back to the 70s night at the Skatin Place. Dan and I went, the boys were happy to see their babysitter again. There was a good crowd there and we saw many friends, it was a lot of fun.

Sunday we played outside some more. We all went for a walk, the boys played on the playground at the apartment here and had lots of fun. It was a relaxing day.

On Monday we picked up Tyler's 1 year pictures and went to the Lake George park. It was fun, Dawson got to play by some other kids, which he rarely does. I'm trying to get him used to being around other kids since he'll be going to preschool in June. Since being isolated all winter, we haven't gone many places or been around many kids.

Tuesday we went to the DMV for tabs, then to the Boys & Girls Club park. There were more kids there, I forgot about it being after school and there being so many kids, but I decided to let him play there anyway. I guess it was too many kids, because he got up to the slide, waited so patiently but the kids weren't going down, they were just goofing around. He got very upset and ran back down the steps, looking a bit traumatized! I had him go down a different slide a few times, then try the big one again. After that we just left. Way too many kids! We accidentally found a new little playground while driving around the area, so we stopped there. There were 2 teens playing basketball and an empty playground. He wanted to play with the big kids though, so he went right over, grabbed the ball and tossed it up at the regulation height hoop. I was going to get him out of there, but the boys seemed to have fun playing with him. Dawson would retrieve the ball after they made a shot and throw it back to them. Then he'd giggle hysterically everytime one of them made another basket. It was pretty cute seeing him so excited to be playing with them. They left and he had a tantrum, stood there looking like a lost puppy. He did finally decide to play on the playground though. I had a hard time getting him to leave. I had the car started and got in before he realized I was quite serious about leaving. Then he came over and climbed in so I could buckle him up. He's really been listening pretty good lately.

After we got home, I washed up Dawson and while we were doing that, Tyler dumped my cup of water all over himself. Forgot I left that by the door, oops! So had to change his outfit, eat, get ready for skating and nurse Tyler, all within 30 minutes of the babysitter getting there! I was nursing Tyler when she came and Dawson was finishing up his nuggets. They both decided to abandon their food to play with the sitter. Tyler crawled over and said "Hi dada!". At least it's a greeting, she thought it was pretty cute. I had a good time skating. It's nice to get out of the house for a bit. I get to have some decent conversation instead of talking baby and toddler talk all day long! We ended the evening with some popcorn. Dawson had pushed his chair up to the counter and was climbing onto the counter to get the popcorn maker that was on top of the fridge! So he helped me make that and eat it. His bedtime has been getting earlier, thanks to the help of playing outside. He's been so active during the day, he has no complaints about bedtime. I tell him it's time for bed and he jumps up and runs to his room! I'm loving it!

Our Helpful Son

Tuesday went well. Tyler was happy and playful as soon as he ate and got brought out to the living room to play. He was in a great mood all day, you'd never know he had surgery the day before! Everything looks good, not bruised or swollen. His Bone Marrow site had bled a lot though. I took off the gauze and they had 6 layers of gauze and all of them were bled through, covering almost the whole piece of gauze also. It didn't seem to be bleeding anymore, so I left it open. I went skating since he was doing so well. It went great. He was good for the sitter, she was impressed at how nothing had really changed with his mood because of it!

Wednesday I noticed some bleeding, so I covered that spot up with gauze again and called the clinic nurse. She wasn't too concerned, just told me to keep it covered. I took the kids to the park at the Roosevelt Early Childhood building. It was lots of fun. Dawson followed me in and spent about an hour playing. Afterward he followed me to the car without running off or throwing a tantrum! I was very impressed. He pouted a bit, kept looking back, but he followed me. I assured him that we would be back some other time and that seemed ok with him.

Dawson has been trying to say more lately. He'd been saying the same thing and I couldn't figure out what it was. I could make out "oh, hi" and the rest was babble. Then I realized he was copying what I say when he knocks on a door and I answer it. "oh hi, how are you!". Once I said it, he beamed and said it again. We practiced many times and he was excited about it. I said it slower and he was getting a couple more of the right sounds in there. He's definitely trying. He also likes saying "ooh yeah", "yee haw", "owie", "uh oh", "uh huh". He also has been adding "oh" to many things. He'll says "oh owie" and stuff like that, it's really cute.

He's been very helpful lately too. He helps people off with their coat and shoes. If I ask him to get my shoes or his shoes, he'll do it. Same with coats. He often just voluntarily gets them. He'll go so far as to put them on my feet, or at least over my toes. He gets Tyler's shoes too, tries to help zip up his coat and he buckles the chest clip on his carseat. He helped me make popcorn the other day. He helped pour the kernels into the measuring cup and then into the air popper. He picked up the cord and handed it to me, then watched it make the popcorn. He had already brought his chair over to watch. He's very observant to everything I do, seeing what else he can do to help. Of course then he gets his very own bowl of it. The other day he brought me the container of popcorn kernels in the morning, wanting them for breakfast! I told him we'd have them later, that seemed ok with him.

Dawson helps me pick up Tyler too. He'll hold him under the arms and lift him up with me. He doesn't really even bear any weight, but he feels good that he's helping. The other day Dawson was saying "uh oh!" and it was sounding urgent. I went over there and Dawson started trying to lift and shove Tyler at me. Turns out he had a smelly diaper! Dawson gave the funniest face of disgust and relief when I took Tyler away from him, it was hilarious!

Dawson's teacher is coming in the morning. I can't wait to tell her about his new improvements. She said last time that it sounds like we already have to re-write his IFSP (goals) because he's achieved most of them!

Spontaneous Date Night!

I wasn't much looking forward to today. Dan went to the junkyard for a much needed part for my car, so I was home with the kids and bored. We played for a while and I went online. I'd planned on going for a walk as well. Dawson pushed the stroller over to the door and climbed in, so I took the hint and got them bundled up. It's been nice, but still a bit chilly after a while. Except for me, I get pretty warm from walking. I always try to walk briskly and get a good pace going to burn more calories. I walked around the neighborhood this time. I checked my phone to see how long I'd been walking, it was 30 minutes. When I pulled the phone out, the bug netting that was bunched up in with it fell out. I noticed it when I got closer to home, so I turned around and ended up walking around the block and did find it. Whew! I walked 2.3 miles today. I was a bit winded and tired in general, but not sore. I usually don't plan my routes, I just know the neighborhood and take turns depending on how I'm feeling at the time and how far I think I can walk. Then I go home and mapquest how far it was.

At this rate, the 5k in May will be a breeze! a 5k is 3.1 miles. I plan on walking it with the boys and Dan. We're doing one through a local Moms group online. It started out as fun, then someone decided to make it a fundraiser thing too. So we're raising money for the local food shelf, homeless shelters and those types of places (my ideas). It's still in planning stages yet. Then there's the Relay for Life in June, which is to raise money for Cancer research. I've been in contact with the lady who plans the one in St. Cloud, but now Dan's work is participating in the one in Becker! So I'm not quite sure what we're gonna do. I'd love to do both. One is in June and one in July, but they're 24 hour events! I guess we'll see how the first one goes. Plenty of time to think about it.

Speaking of Cancer, I recently signed up for the Bone Marrow Registry online. They sent me a packet with instructions on swabbing my cheek for a tissue sample. So I sent that in a few days ago. They say being a match for someone is about as likely as winning the lottery, but I wanted to anyway. You just never know if there's someone out there waiting for you to sign up because they have no other match. Bone Marrow donation isn't what it used to be. Instead of digging out Bone Marrow from your hips, they draw blood, separate the stem cells out of it and put the rest of your blood back. Much less painful and definitely worth it, if it means saving a life.

So back to my walk, I had just gotten home and decided to walk around Windsor Oaks (our neighboring apartment, it's a 1/2 mile loop), when my phone rang. It was our friend Brian, asking if we'd be able to go roller skating tonight! Well it was already 5:15pm, the session starts at 7pm! Dan still wasn't home, he'd need a shower and I'd have to find a babysitter in that short of notice. I told him this and said I'd work on it, all while wishing I hadn't taken such a long walk, since I was tired! I called Dan, he said he'd like to go if we could pull it off. So I called my sister since she hasn't seen the boys in a while, figured I'd give her first dibs, but she was busy. So I called the sitter I've been using, apologizing for it being such an insane short notice, but she said it was no problem at all. This girl is awesome! Dan got home, showered, the sitter showed up a bit earlier than I expected, so she played with the boys while we got ready, it worked out pretty well. We got Arby's drive through for supper, I discovered that they have really good $1 chicken sandwiches! I'm never getting a McChicken again, they are way too spicy these days. Anyway, we got to the rink around 7:15, still beating Brian there. It's funny how a boring day can become so hectic. I guess we're pretty used to it! At least this was for something good! We had a good time skating. Lots of kids and people who don't know how to skate well. I'm used to adult night, everyone is a good skater, they don't cut in front of you or form big lines holding hands that you have to get around. No crazy lights or fog machines. Maybe I'm getting old, but these just don't appeal to me! The fog machine has always bothered my asthma, so I requested they not do that anymore. Other than dealing with crazy kids, it was fun getting out and talking to Brian and Jessie again. The music wasn't too bad either, they did quite a bit of teen music, but they did play a variety. Hopefully we can make this a more regular (and planned!) event! Was nice getting out with Dan too, I miss that. I was very tired by the end of the night, but seemed to get a 2nd wind for the last 30 minutes of the session. I sure hope the boys let me sleep decent tonight! They went to bed a bit early, so I'm scared to think about what time they're gonna get up!

Giggles and Rollerskating

Today was fun. My friend Jenny came over with her son to chat before skating. Dawson thought her son was really funny when he laughed and made loud noises. He was giggling so much, Jenny and I were laughing too because it was so funny!

Afterwards we went rollerskating. I can't find a babysitter, so now I just bring him with. Dawson loves watching the lights and disco ball go by. I push him around the rink in his stroller. I have one with the big inflatable wheels, so it works really nice and smooth. I think he has everyone there wrapped around his finger. Almost everyone had to come over and talk to him.

I just applied to be an Assistant Moderator at iVillage, which is a paid position. I really hope I get it, it would be a lot of fun. Wish me luck! There's about 25 others who applied as well!