Full Schedule

We've had a very busy, productive few days! On Tuesday we went to a Mom's Club playdate. It was nice to get out and get an earlier start to my day. It's kind of refreshing to be up and out the door early, like I already have a good start to the day. Dawson wanted to leave 30 minutes early, so we ended up going. There were about 8 moms there with about 15 kids, so it was very chaotic and noisy. It just got to be a bit much for him after a while, but he did seem to have some fun. Gabriel loved it, he was on the floor with the kids, playing and smiling.

After we got home, a friend I met at ECFE class came over to help clean and organize. She organized my pantry cabinet and got many things cleaned up. She also brought baskets she'd found on sale and put them to good use. I love them! Now all those bottles and things aren't tipping over on our shelf that doesn't have a solid surface.

 Dan hung lights on our balcony. Dawson loves the Christmas lights. He shouts "Chriscris lights!" everytime we see them around town. He was very excited to see the clinic has a Christmas tree also. I'm getting excited to get ours up.

Dan and I went rollerskating Tuesday night. Our friends couldn't make it, but it was nice to get out anyway. I was so tired when I got home afterward, I felt like I hadn't stopped moving all day! It felt good though. 

Gabriel is still pretty darn cute and he knows it.

 He's trying so hard to crawl and he's getting so close! He's starting to move his hands forward now, so I'm guessing it might only be another week before he's really moving around. He's pretty content to just play most of the time though. He's teething now, has about 4 coming in on the top from the looks of it. Poor little guy has been more fussy this week because of it but it hasn't been too bad.

 I held Gabriel up to say goodnight the other night and Dawson decided he wanted to cuddle Gabriel. So I put him on Dawson's pillow and they both decided that was pretty fun.

 Then Gabriel found his musical seahorse that Dawson has taken over and was looking at it. Dawson was very happy to have him in his bed. Plus he was showing off for the camera. When I went to take Gabriel back down, Dawson blocked my hand with a serious face and said "no mommy, Gabriel sleep here". To cute! Unfortunately I'm against letting 8 month old babies sleep in the top bunk, no matter how cute of face I get begging me! I did finally get him back and into his own crib.

 So Dawson decided to join Gabriel instead. I heard giggling. A sound I really missed, Dawson and Tyler used to cuddle and giggle every night at bedtime. I went in his room to find this. I love that they are bonding! Dawson is paying so much more attention to Gabriel these days. They're gonna be best buddies.

 Dawson was having some more aggression issues and trouble finding things to do at home, so I got him some beans and used Tyler's med box that I'd just cleaned up to make a little sensory tub. He loves it! He often goes to it during the day and it really seems to calm him.

On Wednesday Dawson had an appt, so my organizing friend came early to play with Gabriel. She'd planned on coming to finish cleaning and organizing anyway. She even brought her mom who wanted to help. They washed the floors, counters, sinks and bathtub, vacuumed, and organized more things. I got a big box unpacked and some organizing done too. When Dawson got off the bus, he gave her 4 year old boy a big hug and even a kiss on the cheek. I think he likes having a buddy around, especially after seeing him a few times now. They came for just a playdate over the weekend too. We definitely have to schedule more playdates. It's so cute seeing Dawson enjoying having people around.

She had brought this cube storage to put in the closet to utilize more space. The shoes had been sitting in a pile at the bottom of the closet or on a rug outside the closet. It's so much more open to not have shoes there! Has a spot for hats and gloves too. Dawson caught on quickly that this is where his shoes go. Today he'd just ditched them on the rug and I just had to ask them to put his shoes away and he remembered they go in here now and put them away.

Dawson's Psychologist appt went well this morning. This lady didn't grab at him or try to ask him questions he didn't understand. She just observed and talked to me. She answered some questions and gave some suggestions and we talked about how he understands things and what might help him to understand better. Dawson played a magnet puzzle, wrote letters and numbers on the dry erase board and then played catch with a ball. He threw the ball really high once and bumped the clock on the wall, which proceeded to fall down and the glass broke to pieces. Never a dull moment with us it seems! He didn't get hit or anything, he ran and stood behind me though, looking at it with that "uh oh!" look on his face.

After the appt we went to "The O Store", which is Target. He sees the big red O on the side and just calls it the O store. He was very excited to find out Grandma was there. We had planned to meet up, but Dawson didn't understand the concept of Grandma being at the store. He heard "Grandma" and wanted to go to her house. Once we saw her van, he was very excited. He got to look at toys with Grandma for about 20 minutes, then it was time for school. So Dawson and I went to his school, he had a slight tantrum, but it was over when his teacher brought out the iPad for him to play with. Apparently all the Special Ed teachers have them for the kids to learn with and kids like Dawson really do well with them. He was navigating that thing so well! Swiping his finger to the side to go to different pages, pointing to things and finding the games he likes. It was neat to see him enjoying it so much. Too bad they're so expensive! Afterward I went back to Target where my mom still had Gabriel and we looked around some more. I think I'm set for Christmas ideas for everyone now.

Gabriel and I got home and he was napping, so I let him sleep for a bit. It looks so nice in there. Feels so good to walk in and see empty kitchen counters instead of a cluttered mess. I round the corner and find more free space! It's so refreshing. I decided to bake some cookies. Someone had brought over some cookie dough that's already made into cookie blobs, so I just had to put them on the sheet. It really seemed too easy! Turned out to be a good thing though, since Gabriel woke up and wanted to nurse. Shortly after Dawson got home on the bus, a friend stopped over with a meal she'd made. They've been so nice to have! Not having to worry about cooking, especially when we've been so busy or just so unmotivated to make anything decent, has been great! Otherwise I'm sure we'd be living on pizza and chicken nuggets because it's easy! Instead we've had lasagna, homemade soup, meatloaf, chicken enchiladas, beef stew, chicken/rice dish, and many other good meals. I'm constantly blown away by people's generosity.

This evening we had ECFE class. Dawson decided he wanted to play outside, but it was too cold and dark for that. Once we got in the classroom he was fine though. Gabriel loves class. He flirts with all the moms and teachers and is right at home. He was so used to all the attention at the hospital, he's not used to things being so quiet at home. So we get to places like that and he just lights up and is so happy. Gabriel likes the ball pit, he actually dives for it and sit there and watches the kids jump around and throw balls. Dawson takes running leaps into it and Gabriel smiles so big. It's nice to see them happy.

It's still pretty hard to be in the same preschool room and gym that we were in with Tyler. Tomorrow it will be 1 month without Tyler and I still sometimes can't believe he's really gone. I still have moments when I'm in the store or doing something where it feels like I should be keeping an eye out for 3 kids. It's like one is missing and then I remember I only have 2 now. It's still so hard, those moments when I think about him not ever being here again. He's in my mind every moment of every day, but there are still times where I really think more about things and it's so painful. Dawson has been having a harder time too. Yesterday when we got in the van he said "go see Tyler". I talked to him about it again and he ignored me and said "no, go see Tyler". The one that killed me was "give Tyler kiss". All he wants to do is go give his brother a kiss, and he has no idea why he isn't able to. I sure wish I could find the words to help him understand. So far, nothing is really working. No parent or sibling should have to go through this.

Big Clothes Project

Today's goal was all the kid's clothes. I use plastic bins to store each size. I have 1 bin per size and have always kept them pretty neat. When the baby grows out of a size, I get the new size out of the closet and put the old size away. However, when living at RMH it's more difficult. I don't have time or energy to keep things neat, so clothes get shoved into a bag as they get outgrown or an empty diaper box. Gabriel was in 0-3 month clothes when we moved into RMH and he was in 12mo before we moved out of there. Tyler went from 18mo to 24mo and some 2T while we were there. Dawson went from 3T to 4T. So we had a ton of clothes in just about every size to sort and get into bins. Plus people had given us clothes too, so it was a lot of sorting.
Dan helped me bring all the totes out of the closet and we spread them around the room to have access to them all while we sort. I also wanted to go through and get rid of some things we don't want or need, the jeans with holes, etc. I started and saw Tyler's jacket, and his cute fluffy robe and some other things. I then decided I wasn't going to be able to do this project without some distraction. So I called up a friend from my mom's club and she was happy to come over and help. So we sorted clothes and chatted a bit. Gabriel started fussing after a while, so then she kept him entertained while I got more done. It's so nice having help! Here's the room full of bins.

2 bins and a box of clothes I'm going to get rid of

Some is going to another boy with Infant Leukemia. They just moved to LA from South Africa to get better treatment and they are stuck with all the medical bills since they don't qualify for insurance here in the US. So I figured the least I can do is help out with clothes and some toys. I have a bin that's going to Once Upon a Child. I sell clothes there and get more of what we need with the money I get from them. Some of it is going to a Christmas donation organization for needy families. I just heard about that tonight, so I'm going to sort through the toys for them too in the next couple days. I also have blankets and stuff for the Women's Shelter in town and our unused blankets are going to a cancer organization, Blair's Tree of Hope, to go back to the hospital for other kids with cancer. So this week's goal is to get all that stuff to where it needs to go! Except  BTOH, I'm meeting with her another time. For incentive, some of the things that need to leave this place are now in the hallway.

After she left, Gabriel was being fussy, so I was chatting with another friend on facebook and she ended up coming over to play with Gabriel for a while so I could finish. It's nice having a friend who lives only a couple minutes away! He was being a bit fussy and towards last he was even giving me dirty looks. I got it all sorted into bins and boxes of what goes where though and the rest put back into the closet.

It's really nice not having this pile in front of the closet anymore. Some of it is in the hallway, other stuff got tossed onto another pile of stuff, so I can't really say it found a home, but at least it's less in the way now. It's a start. At least this area looks nicer now. This is the "before" picture. Now all that's left is the bassinet that has some things in it but nothing next to it or in front of the door.

For not even wanting to get out of bed today, I think I got a lot done. I've been trying to get up earlier, but today it just wasn't happening. I had gotten up to get Gabriel and nurse him, but then Dan took him when he got up and I fell back asleep. Dan sent Dawson to tell me to get up and he came in with his cute face and said "Get up please Mommy!". So of course I had to. Dawson helped me with laundry today too, we got 2 loads done. He likes carrying the quarters and putting them in the machine (apartment laundry).

I'm hoping to get some of that stuff out of here while Dawson is at school this week. Tuesday and Wednesday I have people coming over. I also have appts on Wednesday and Thursday morning. It's looking to be a busy week, which will be nice.

This poem I got from another grieving mom.


My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

Progress and Pictures

I got some things done today! I had company in the afternoon, Dawson got a couple playmates. Two boys, one his age and an almost 2 year old. He seemed to like having the extra kids around. It was nice having people around too.
After they left I found some motivation and got to work. I tackled the breakfast bar in the kitchen. It was our catch-all for papers and other things. When we moved back in, we put a lot of things up there. I took a bunch of pictures yesterday for motivation, so I can post before and after pics. So here's what I did today! Feels SO good to have a clean countertop! I hope it stays that way. I still have a few things to clean off it, but it's so much better than it used to be. I even made some cookies with all the space I have. Though I cheated, it was just cookie dough someone had brought us, but it's a start!

 Gabriel is liking his "new" musical toy I brought out for him the other day. He's sure getting hair now too! Dawson took 2 years to get this much hair.

 Dawson saw me get a picture of Gabriel and wanted one also. It's so cute how he wants pics taken and then he has to look at the picture right away too and he smiles so big.

 I told him to kiss Gabriel. He mostly does this to show off for the camera. ;)

 We found this Angel at Menards. We went to the Christmas section to look at all the trees on display and to look for some ornaments. Dawson loved it! On our way there we saw some houses with lights also, which really got Dawson excited for "Chriscris".

 My most alive looking flowers. Most of the rest are gone now. The Calla Lilies are alive, but some are drooping and the rest are long gone.

 This is a painting that Tyler's message board group had made for us.

 They used part of my Caringbridge post from the night Tyler died. It's amusing because I was so tired that night and just whipped something together quick so I could update people and get to bed, so at first I wasn't sure what to think of them using that, but it's still so true and it's good to think of him being happy. I just wish I could watch him play for a while again.

Our hallway had several things that just got tossed there when we moved back, and even when we moved into the apartment, so they are at least all in their correct rooms now.

 The boxes will be gone soon too. I sorted through some toys and am giving a box of cars and things to a friend's 2 year old.

 Gabriel usually starts out on his belly, but lately he's been sleeping on his side. Babies look so peaceful when they sleep!

 We found this ornament at Menards. It's a little Angel on a cloud with a Christmas Tree

 We also found this one. It's so shiny that I couldn't get a decent picture of the words. It says "If I had just one wish, It would be for a stairway, that reached up to Heaven, so I could bring you Home"

I had another rough evening. They're usually hard. I try to keep busy, but it's so quiet and I always end up thinking about Tyler and all that we're missing with him gone. Everything seems to boring with him gone. He kept everything interesting and always kept Dawson busy and kept us on our toes. I was thinking about what Dawson must think, and wondering what he thinks about Gabriel. Today I read about a 4 year old girl who had lost her 10 month old baby brother. The mom is now pregnant and the girl wants to know when the baby will be born, and when the baby will die. It's what happens to siblings, right? It's hard to read about these other hurting siblings, but at the same time it's helpful to hear what they are thinking since Dawson doesn't talk about feelings or thoughts. There's so many things that you just wouldn't think of.

I'm not sure what hurts worse, missing him myself or worrying about Dawson missing him. Or worrying about our family as a whole, trying to move forward with each day and somehow function with this new handicap. I walk in the store and it feels so weird. I can't even explain it, I'm almost shaking and I just feel very out of my comfort zone sometimes. I feel it should be obvious to everyone, but they just carry on. They can't see the pain I'm in, they have no clue what it's like. Or maybe they do, and they're just trying to blend in too. Some days I wish I could be carrying a sign with my current thought or inspirational message telling everyone how precious life and children are. I've heard that the pain never goes away, we just learn to live with the pain and carry on.

I used to be so anxious for the toddler years to be over, and now that Dawson is saying things that are making him sound like such a little boy instead of a toddler, I find myself nervous of what the next stage is going to be like! Dawson is now a little negotiator. Today I was trying to get him to eat his supper. He chose Spaghetti Os. Then he wanted spaghetti instead, which I wasn't about to make since the can was already open. He then left in a huff and went to play on the computer. I told him it's time to eat. He said "Mom, no" with a serious look. Then he started babbling, and I caught little phrases here and there. He pointed to the clock and was saying something about look at the clock, it's time for computer now. Apparently the clock is now on his side. He doesn't know time at all yet, but I've done the same thing, telling him the clock says it's time to do something. So I guess he's turning it around on me now. It took a lot not to laugh as he was pointing at the clock with his serious face. He's so cute! He hasn't been eating as well lately though. If we push him, he eats nothing and gets aggressive, so we try to find a happy medium. Hopefully he'll get back to some better eating habits. I haven't been as hungry for the things I used to like either, so we're trying to take it easy on him and consider what he might be going through. At the same time we'd really like him to eat something! So he was bouncing back and forth, coming back for spoonfuls and we'd applaud with every bite. He didn't eat a lot, but he did get several spoonfuls in him. Lots of praise and negotiations. That's what the Autism Center had been doing, so we've been trying to continue that since it seemed to work for him. We just need to keep on top of it, but most days I feel quite lacking in brainpower and barely have the energy for it!

Gabriel has been very fussy lately. I'm not sure if he's picking up on the stress and emotions of everyone or if he has something going on too. He has periods of being happy too, but he gets fed up with things very easily and just hasn't been himself. I thought he was constipated, so I gave him prunes. He slept twice his usual amount yesterday and today, plus he was just really fussy. He did poop a decent amount, so I was happy with that, but now he's still fussing and arching his back. I'm trying not to freak out, but that's how Tyler was acting right before diagnosis. It's common to worry though and go right to thinking the worst after we've been there. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Thanksgiving

Our first holiday without Tyler is over. We went to my parent's house and we did make it through the day and even had a little fun, but there were a lot of mixed emotions. This all sucks. I can't go anywhere without reminders of him. Gabriel sat in Tyler's highchair at my parent's house, Dawson is using Tyler's carseat in the van since Dawson's is in the car. Tyler was my good eater, so while Dawson refused all the food, I couldn't help but think of how excited Tyler would've been to see it all. We went for a walk and played on the swings, two things Tyler loved doing. It's hard not going through daily life not thinking about things like this. Tyler loved everything we did and was always so excited about things.

Dawson loved going to Grandma's house and had a good time, but he seemed to be having some mixed emotions too. For a while he'd be happy, then he'd get aggressive or just look sad and need to cuddle. He was doing a lot of hitting, kicking and things he hasn't been doing at home anymore, so I think he was just missing Tyler too.

Gabriel loved all the attention. He had some pumpkin pie, a piece of stuffing and some turkey. He wasn't sure about the pie, but he loved the turkey and stuffing. I have a feeling he's going to have no problem wanting to transition to regular foods when the time comes! For now he's mostly doing baby food and some Gerber Puffs.

Today and yesterday was just harder on both of us. Things are settling down now, we're getting less mail, less phone calls. Dawson is back in school. We haven't been to the hospital or to appointments. The feeling that I should be going somewhere each morning is gone. I look at my appt calendar and it's so empty. We're starting to miss him more and realize he's actually gone. Today I went into the toy room to clean some things out that nobody has played with in a while to give to a friend. I haven't really gone in there yet and it was so hard to see all his toys. Stuff he played with everyday, the toys he'd just gotten as gifts in the hospital but was too tired to play with them for more than a few minutes. So we put them aside thinking he'll have fun with them later. Dawson doesn't want to go in there either. He wants nothing to do with most of our toys. Maybe he's having the same problem. He plays with a bunch of balls in a basket, or the computer. He has actually started to play with Gabriel a little bit here and there. I brought out some new toys that they were both interested in, so that helped.

Sorry for the lack of pictures on my blog these days, it's been one of my issues. It's hard for me to get out my camera knowing I won't get any more pictures of Tyler. I do want to get pics of the other 2 kids, but I just haven't been able to yet. I did get 1 picture of Gabriel sleeping in his Jumperoo, and the funeral flowers because I knew they wouldn't last. Otherwise I think of getting it out and I just don't. I bring it places sometimes but don't use it. When Tyler broke my camera in July, the thought of going without it for 2 weeks was just awful. Now it's been 3 and I've barely thought about it. So today I decided to get it out and get a few pics. It actually wasn't that bad. Hopefully I'll get back into it. The first several were from the day I took flower pics. These flowers are all dead now.


I love this picture of Dawson!

 He was being quite a ham that day

 I love the peaceful view out our big living room window! We can see the river through the trees a little bit too when the leaves are gone. Much better than looking at a parking lot like our old apartment.

 Gabriel being his usual cute self

 He looks so little, even 2 weeks ago!

 He looked so peaceful sleeping in there! These pictures really get to me though, because right before Tyler was diagnosed I got a picture just like this. Little did I know, he was falling asleep in his toys because his counts were low. So moments like this make me want to rush him to the clinic. According to other moms, it's very normal to freak out over little things like this. Dawson is looking at this picture and he says "Look Mommy, it's Tyler!" It took some convincing for him to realize it was Gabriel. They look so much alike! He looks at pictures of Tyler a lot on the computer.

Gabriel came over to the couch and was working on standing up. Then he saw the camera and decided to be cute for a picture instead.

 Dawson is sitting by the balcony door playing with his basket and balls. He usually plays with them in the basket, but sometimes he'll line them up like this too. I think he misses RMH's pool table!

 The living room is looking much better than before! The boxes were stacked out to where the jumperoo was, we just had a small path along the couch to walk. It's looking much better in here! That black box has a bunch of random little stuff in it though, so hopefully it's not too hard to sort through it all. We're hoping to put the tree up in front of the window in the next couple weeks.

I do still have many things to be Thankful for.

~I have 2 kids that give me a reason to get up in the morning. 

~They give me a reason to be excited for Christmas and other things

~I have the best, most content baby ever

~A sweet toddler who makes me laugh

~I have family and friends who are so supportive

~We have a place to call Home

~I have a faithful husband who loves and puts up with me, even on the worst days. When we agreed to "for better or for worse", we really didn't see all this crap coming, but we are stronger and closer because of it.

I'm also Thankful and it puts me more at peace knowing we gave Tyler as fun and good of a life as possible while he was here. For a 2 year old, he's really done a lot. He's been to 4 Zoo's in 3 states (MN, WI, IL), the Children's Museum in MN and Madison, WI, the State Fair and County Fair. He got to go on lots of rides and he discovered how much fun they are! He got to pet animals and play with other kids. He's been to every playground in town, and we have a lot of them! Even been to some that aren't in town. We walked through the flower gardens and watched the ducks on the river. We even went to the dam and watched the "waterfall". He got to go to "school" 2 times a week (evening preschool classes) and totally loved it. He got to ride a bus, even though it was just a shuttle bus. He got to see the Blue Angels plane show. Ride a pony. He got to splash in puddles until he was totally soaked, sled down hills and run through the grass. If we were driving and saw a train, we'd pull off in a parking lot and watch it go by. He'd be so excited. He went to Chicago, saw the big ships and watched fireworks over the lake. He went to the top of the Sears Tower and looked over everything. He went to the Science Museum and saw many cool things. He had a lot of toys and things at home too, he was a bit spoiled with his own ball pit, train table and many other things he loved. I'm glad he got to enjoy them all though.

Tyler only had 17 months at home after he was diagnosed and I think we packed a lot into them and made the most of it. He sure loved life and was so excited for each day, whether it was having fun at home or going somewhere fun. He taught me how to enjoy all those little things and we have so many good memories and for that I am Thankful.

Two Good Days

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was very motivated and feeling good. My headache stayed away most of the day and at most was just a dull headache. I got Dawson's clothes in his dresser, 2 small suitcases, 3 bags and 2 boxes emptied. Also all the diaper boxes are on the shelf. So we now have all the suitcases emptied and I can walk through the boy's room without dodging boxes and tripping on things. I still have a lot to clean out in there, but at least I can find their clothes now without digging in suitcases and boxes.

Gabriel has been very active, continuing to try pulling up on things and inching around the room. He was sitting on the couch with Dawson and I and suddenly grabbed Dawson's cheerios and started eating them. One at a time, he happily munched on cheerios until his little pile that Dawson had spilled was gone. Gabriel was so excited for the new food. I guess he'll be having cereal now! He does have 2 teeth and does well with it, I'm just still in denial that he's old enough to be doing these things! Once again I have spent the little baby days in the hospital. Though I was with him everyday, there just isn't that quality and comfort that you get at home, so it almost feels like I've missed out.

Today I sold Gabriel's exersaucer on craigslist. He still has his jumperoo that he prefers, and it's so nice getting a big baby thing out of the living room. We have a long way to go as far as cleaning and getting our floor space back, but we're chipping away at it slowly.

We went to my parent's house today for my dad's birthday. It's still very hard going places with the kids, getting them out of the car and only having 2. I actually miss how crazy it was having all 3 out and about. I can actually go in someplace and not need the stroller. It's very weird. Dawson was excited that we were going to Grandma's house. He chanted "grandma's house" all the way out of town and several times on the highway too. It's nice seeing him get excited. It wasn't too bad, but it's tough being in places with so many memories. It seems so quiet without Tyler running around and driving shake n go cars up and down the hallway. I'm realizing lately that many of the things they played with was all Tyler's interest. Without him here, Dawson doesn't touch the cars at all. They used to fight over them. Dawson decided to play with a couple balls for most of the time we were there.

We have this white stuff on the ground now. I'm partially in denial and partially just grumpy about it. I can't believe it's winter already. I still remember being so excited when the snow melted and the ground started drying up a bit so the boys could play outside. Tyler wasn't supposed to be around mud, so we had to wait. Then after only a few times outside, Tyler broke his leg, then 2 days later we found out he relapsed and then we were admitted toward the end of April. We did get a few days in July and some time in August, but for the most part he was in the hospital from April to Nov. That's a huge chunk of the year. My favorite months of the year. I'm not a fan of winter. I could live at the hospital the entire winter and not mind at all, but that was the 2nd summer/fall that's been taken from us now and that's just really annoying. Winter is depressing. It gets dark around 4:30 now, I keep thinking it's bedtime when really it's not even supper time yet. The evenings were hard enough before we turned the clocks back and added an extra hour of suffering. Evenings are boring. They're supposed to be relaxing, but when I get bored and relax I often can't find anything to do, so then I start feeling lonely.

Tomorrow Dawson has his first day back at school! I'm excited for him. I think it'll be good for him to get back. He loves school and things to do with it. He has Leap Frog movie series and this week he's been watching Math to the Moon. Last night Dawson stayed awake until midnight. He was reciting numbers and math. "2, 4, 6, 8, 10"  Counting by 10s to 100. "10 minus 10 equals 0"  He's so smart and I'm glad he's so interested in things like that! Hopefully he'll like his new teacher as much as his last one.

We're Home!

Thursday was Bingo night at RMH. I brought my laptop and a couple cars down for the boys to keep quiet with. We had supper and got all set up. Tyler has so many bruises on his head from the low platelets! It'll take a while for them to go away, he heals pretty slow these days.

Tyler didn't want to play during Bingo, he got fussy, nursed and then fell asleep. I put him in the stroller and he slept through it! We got a Blue's Clues bubble set, 2 games and some golden books. Gabriel slept through Bingo too, it was nice and peaceful!

Dan came down Thursday night so he could stay at RMH with Tyler Friday morning. I went to the Autism Center for Dawson's evaluation. It went really well, took about 90 minutes. He got impatient toward the end though, but was happy to be rewarded with a trip to the gym at the end while I stayed in the room to fill out some paperwork. Got back to RMH and had a couple hours to relax before heading back out to Tyler's appointment at Children's for labs. We spent just over an hour there, then went upstairs to return some toys. I had cleaned out Tyler's room before he was discharged, but some of the toys made their way back in and ended up in his toy bin! Once we got back to RMH, I cleaned and sorted out a bunch of stuff that had been just tossed onto the other bed after discharge and then I packed us all up to go home for the week. Dan made trips out to the van while I packed. It's so nice having help for once! I usually have to juggle the double stroller and a huge cart with our stuff on it.

Gabriel and Tyler were taking a nap, so I told Dawson to lay next to Tyler and he grinned and hopped up on the bed and layed down.

We got home and Tyler was having issues with our food supply. We had no green apples and were lacking some of the things he likes, so we went shopping in the morning. It's pretty rare to need all the diapers at once. The box of overnights last over a month, and Gabriel goes through diapers much faster than Dawson does. I rarely get to go shopping while I'm at the hospital. I go maybe once a month, or whenever I run out of diapers. I usually just get them whenever I'm at home since I never seem to have time to run to Target when I'm there. Those diapers sure add up fast. So does the big phone card we get for Dan's phone! He rarely uses it, but when I'm at the hospital he calls me everyday.

Tyler's appetite has really picked up since we got home! He was eating potato salad in the pic. He ate a whole package of cheese single slices, a whole 1 pound package of sliced ham, half a bag of green apples, 2 slices of pizza, a few pudding cups, some cookies and crackers. All in just 2 days! Normally we'd be happy if he ate that much within a couple weeks! He's really looking thin these days, so I'm really hoping this will help add some meat to his bones before the transplant. He's still not drinking very much, but I have discovered that he will drink if I just give him a small cup. He's doing pretty good drinking out of it himself too!

I've been working on cleaning all the toys. He has a low immune system now, but after transplant it will be much weaker. Some of these toys have been around for 4 years, and many of them were used, so who knows how long they've been played with. It was amazing to clean them and see the bright colors! The stuff with no batteries, stickers or holes went in the dishwasher. That didn't really leave much that could go in there, mostly the balls, legos and a few other toys. It helped though. The rest I did by hand with sanitizer wipes. I washed out a bin and then put all the clean toys in there. I now have 2 full bins, plus 2 bags of balls and a bag of legos that is done. They'll just go in storage until we get home after transplant. They still have plenty of other things to play with. I'm hoping by the end of the week to have most of the toys cleaned up.

We also bought a carpet/floor cleaner.

I finally got all the clothes sorted and put away too. I emptied Gabriel's dresser, which still had some newborn and 0-3 month clothes in it. I had just been bringing home the outgrown clothes in bags, so I had several sitting around waiting to be put away. It's nice to have all those in the closet now. I re-labeled all the plastic bins too. Dawson keeps taking my tape labels off them!

I also did dishes, laundry, cleaned the bathroom, sorted through the mail and some other papers and took out the garbage. I also started Dawson's binder that will have all his information on it. I had bought dividers with tabs. Now if someone needs something, I won't have to request it, I can just fax or make a copy of it and it'll all be easy to find. I have tabs for his IEP, Speech, OT, Psychologist, Neurologist, Autism Center and Development. I'm going to put his development charts in there once they're up to date. I have to work on that still too! It's been months since I've updated their charts. I'm going to make a binder for Tyler too. It's sometimes hard to know where to start when I get home! There's so much I want to do and suddenly the time I have at home doesn't seem like much at all! Most of the time I like doing fun stuff, but today was a casual day. They played, I worked. They went to bed pretty happy and tired too. Didn't put up a fight at all, I was pretty impressed!