Six Weeks

Life has been very busy this week! We've had many ups and downs. We just passed our 6 week mark without Tyler yesterday. Sometimes I'll be fine and then suddenly start thinking about something that will make for a very tough day. Yesterday I had just parked at Walmart and suddenly out of the blue I started thinking about Tyler's last moments, the way he looked and sounded taking his last breaths, all that he had suffered through in those last weeks. The way he cried when I started crying. It's just so horribly unfair that anyone should have to go through what he did.

Dawson admitted the other day that he was sad, which was a huge deal! I've heard him say twice now that he's sad, though he refused a hug both times. He often asks me how I am and says when he's happy. Usually after we do something fun he'll be grinning ear to ear and say "I'm happy mommy!". He's still struggling to deal with his emotions and sorting them all out. He did some hitting and kicking this morning during a tantrum. He even said "I kick mommy" while he was doing it. He started his Autism Center home therapy this week too. He's doing great once he gets into the swing of things. Sometimes he has a little tantrum because he wants to go on the computer, one of his habits I'm trying to break, but he has lots of fun once he starts. They do playdoh, writing and other things. Today's therapist is new to us. She brought a tote bag full of stuff, but found that we already had everything she brought. They were excited about how many development toys we have. I just need to finish organizing it all. I'm close, I have the art stuff and fine motor toys put away, I just need to go through a lot of the other toys and get rid of some things we really don't need. Dawson is loving his therapist time so much, when I peeked in to see what he was doing, he told me "go away mommy". I guess I'll take that as a good sign. I think he's afraid I'll tell him his time is up or something.

Gabriel has been crawling all over the place. He has now learned to crawl with a small toy in his hand too, so he grabs something from Dawson and crawls off with it. It's so cute. Dawson has a hard time sharing some things, but we're working on it. Gabriel is also loving to walk around holding someone's hands. I've also heard some mama and dada, but I'm not yet sure if it's random sounds or specific people. Earlier today it seemed to be aimed toward me. He also sometimes says "uh huh" when I sit down to nurse him, or lay him down to change his diaper. It's like his 'whew, I'm getting what I need' thing. He's been having a harder time going to sleep lately. Sometimes he'll get up and nurse a bit more before going to sleep. Probably teeth bothering him, or his brother. Dawson likes to have his fish crib toy going in his bed. Sometimes he'll turn on his My Pal puppy too, which gets to be too much noise having 2 musical things in his bed. Gabriel can barely stand having 1, he'd rather skip the distractions and go to sleep.

On Saturday I watched 4 toddlers, they were 4, 2, 2, and 11 months all day (9:30-5:30). It actually went quite well! It was chaos, but for having 6 kids 4 and under in the house, we had no tantrums, the only toy and meal arguments were from Dawson. Go figure. So other than some extra mess it was super easy. We even did paint and playdoh and non was eaten and it all stayed on the table! We even had some friends stop by for an hour with their 4 and 2 year old, so they got to play for a little bit too. It was fun!

Sunday we went to my parent's house for my brother's 18th birthday! He's the baby of the family, but at 6ft 5, he's way passed all of us up! Dawson loved being at Grandma's house. I was a little nervous about how the Christmas tree thing would go, but Gabriel was ok about it. He didn't obsess about it like he did at home, though he went over once and I showed him the ornaments. I was kinda hoping it was a pokey tree so he wouldn't want to touch it again, but it was actually kinda soft. We have a fake tree at home, apartment rules.

Dawson and Gabriel with my mom. Gabriel looks like such a little boy in this pic! Where'd by baby go?

Dawson by Grandma's Christmas tree

Tuesday we went skating while the boys went and played with the kids we watched on Saturday. He loved being over there. Today I told him we were going to play with some friends in our moms club and he said "play with girls?". It was so cute, he thought we were going back to their house. Wednesday night was Moms Night Out. I brought Gabriel and there was another baby there too, but we had pizza and snacks, chatted and had a White Elephant gift exchange. Gifts you have laying around but aren't going to use, so you re-gift them at this exchange. They were all wrapped, so the box I ended up with had a Liquor Dispenser. We all laughed about that one, since I don't drink. I think I'll be putting that up at our fundraiser auction next month. ;)

Today we had a mom's club playdate this morning, which had some tantrums about her dog, but otherwise went ok. Dawson doesn't understand that you can't drag animals by the tail, or pick them up by a back leg. We showed him how and he just wasn't listening today, so she put the dog in another room and that caused a big tantrum because he wanted to play with the dog. At the end she did let the dog back out and he did play a little nicer once he calmed down. I think he just had some anxiety being at a new place, we hadn't been to her house yet. After his therapist we're heading to ECFE class, where he can run out some energy! They have the indoor gym, which is great with our cold weather. Gabriel will love it too. I'm excited to see what he will do since he's crawling around now.

 This is the painting from the HopeKids people that they gave us on Thursday.

Momcologists Night Out

Today was a good day overall. Dawson was excited to see Becky again, my cousin who stayed at RMH with us while in the hospital. She brought her sister and 8 month old daycare girl with too. They brought pizza and we had lunch and chatted a bit. Dawson liked her phone too, it has a piano keyboard app on it. He seems so good at navigating things like that, since he plays on the ipad at school. He cried when they left, but thankfully it didn't last too long. Was nice seeing him excited for his company though.
I had debated going to the Momcologists Night Out and decided it would be good to go. Those ladies have been so great to me and there were some I hadn't met yet also. It was just over an hour away, 7-10pm at a restaurant, sponsored by KidsCan, a local Childhood Cancer foundation. I took Gabriel with, he was so good! We ended up staying until 11pm and Gabriel didn't fuss a bit the entire 4 hours we were there. He ate cheerios, his baby food, some of my fettuchini, then flirted with the ladies. I love having such a great, happy baby. It was great to be able to chat and have some adult conversation and talk about things that are normal to us (medical/cancer stuff). It's weird because talking about this stuff is still as easy as it was before he died. I love sharing his stories and comparing his problems in hope that I might help someone else in the process, or at least make them feel not so alone. These ladies are so great and fun to be around. I'm looking into being a part of the foundation, I want to do something like that, to help other childhood cancer families, I'm just not sure exactly what I'm looking for yet. Hopefully I'll know when I find it.

Tomorrow we'll have a busy place. I'm watching some kids for the day, ages 4, 2 and 11mo, plus we're getting some company with her kids, ages 4 and 2. So we should have some fun times. Hopefully Dawson will like all the playmates!

One of those days

I'd love to request a re-do for today! My phone alarm went of an hour before we had to be at MOPS. If it's too early, I'll lay back down and fall asleep. Well I don't remember turning it off, but apparently I did! I woke up right at 8:45, the exact time I was supposed to be there. I just hate that feeling, I said I was going to be there and I don't like being a flake. To wake the kids and rush them out the door and across town was just not possible, so I texted my friend and told her we couldn't make it. I was so mad at myself for falling back to sleep! Last year I made it to 2 MOPS meetings. Mostly due to Tyler's stuff, but I was hoping to get to more of them now and we're not really off to a great start. They only have them every other week too. I was kicking myself all morning.

Dawson got on the bus on time. That often seems like quite a victory in itself! He loves school, but he's a very "in the moment" kid. He wants to play with his toy or whatever he's doing. So I finally get him into his shoes and downstairs to the bus. I've been starting this process earlier now, so we even have had some downtime in the apartment lobby while we wait for the bus. Today he got to the top of the bus and as usual he turned around to give me a hug and kiss. Well this time when he turned around he started crying. He wanted to go to school, but for some reason he just suddenly felt emotional and needed a couple extra kisses. When he got home he told me he was happy, so that was nice to hear. On really good days he'll suddenly say "I'm happy!", which tells me he's having the same moments as I sometimes do. I'll be having a good day and suddenly I'll realize I'm having a good day and remember how good it feels to be happy, even though sometimes it makes me sad to be happy without Tyler. If that makes any sense.

My second (really big!) screw up of the day put me in the runnings for the "Bad Mom of the Day" award. Dan had to work on my van, so I took the car. I had planned on picking up Dawson from school, though as I was leaving, Dawson wasn't really on my mind. I got Gabriel's carseat in the car, my shopping list with us and headed out. It's so peaceful shopping with just a baby. Especially a baby who slept through the entire store! Got my shopping done and headed to the school just in time to pick him up. Took Gabriel in, ended up talking to someone who read our Caringbridge, then found Dawson. He was in a great mood and happy to be picked up. It's so neat running into people who followed Tyler's story. Putting faces to our followers, even the ones we didn't know about just makes it even more special. It's amazing how fast a story can spread. After the ladies talked to Gabriel a bit, we headed out. Got to the car and to my absolute horror I realized I hadn't put a carseat in the car for Dawson! Me, the one who's always making a big deal over carseats and buckling them up correctly, didn't even bring one! The busses were long gone. My van was apart and being worked on, no way for Dan to come get him! I was coming up with no options. So, feeling like the most horrible person ever, I put Dawson in the middle seat with just the lap belt and took all the slow back roads that I possibly could and made it home. Thankfully it's only a 10 minute drive. I tried making myself feel better, at least he was properly buckled in with the belt, unlike the job that CareCab did so many times! At least he's not bouncing around in the backseat like so many kids I see around town. I guess it could be worse, right? Somehow that wasn't helping too much with me feeling horrible though. We made it home and I guess that's all that matters. It's hard to shake the mommy guilt though! I just hope I don't have nightmares about carseats running off on me or something. ;)

I figured after those two major fails that I had to get the Children's Museum right. I mean, how wrong could that go anyway? My sister was coming at 4pm, we were leaving at 4:20 and getting there with comfortable time to get in by 6. My sister got here early! She had stopped by the mall to pick up her engagement ring that she had resized, but they told her it wasn't in yet. Well she wasn't here for 20 minutes when she got a call saying it was in! Since we'd get back too late for her to stop, I told her to go ahead and get it. Dan wasn't ready with my van yet anyway. She went and got back around 4:40. Dan came in around the same time and we started the process of getting the kids out the door. It's amazing how much faster that goes with just 2. With Tyler there was so much stuff. Animal crackers, extra masks, medical tape, enough stuff for a full dressing change incase it got wet or he sweat it off. Diapers, a few sets of extra clothes, bags for pukey clothes, etc. Now I need to re-fill the diapers and we're good to go. We actually got going at 5, so we got there around 6:40. The session was from 6-8, which I knew, so I was pretty bummed. It's hard to get around to the entire museum in only an hour or so. It felt rushed. To make things worse, about 40 minutes into our drive I realized something awful. I forgot my camera! What is with me today?! I used to take my camera to the grocery store, just incase a cute moment happened. I took it everytime we went to a park or the mall, just incase. So to forget it on a fun day like this just about made me cry. Thankfully my sister has one of those cool touch screen phones and can take pictures, though many were blurry, she still got quite a few cute ones. I have to wait for her to get them on the computer to post them though. That made me feel a little better, but still kicking myself.

The good part about today was the surprise we got that made me so glad we ended up going. One of the founders of HopeKids had emailed me and asked if we're still going to the event, since we'd signed up. He said they wanted to offically meet us and have a word. So I felt especially motivated to get there no matter what. He had a couple other ladies there that work with his foundation and they presented a canvas painting of Tyler. It's so good! It was done by her son, who has found talent in painting and we are the 18th person he's painted for. He plans on doing all the kids who pass away. I've never been artistic, at all. It's always amazing to me when people can do faces so well. He even captured his spark, that twinkle in his eyes. I'll take a picture of it soon!

Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps my brain will return to me while I sleep!

Five Weeks

I wonder when I'll stop counting the weeks and just count the months. I haven't been thinking about it quite as much, it's starting to feel a little more distant sometimes. Yet it doesn't seem like we've done much since we got back home. We did some cleaning and we've gone to some places, but it still feels like life is on hold for something. We're getting through each day, but we aren't really living each day like we did before. I read the book "Heaven is for Real". It really helped make me feel more at ease. I highly recommend the book for anyone who's lost a child, relative or had a miscarriage.

This week so far has been disappointing. I had planned on going to a couple Mom's Club playdates, but Gabriel had a cold. I need to get some groceries and run some errands too, but I was waiting for his cold to be gone. So I've felt very stuck in the house. We did go rollerskating Tuesday night and I went up the road to McDonalds to get a Redbox movie the other night too, but that's about it. Thankfully Gabriel seems to be getting much better. His slight runny nose seems to be more from teething now than his cold. He even had a very slight fever a couple days from it. I see at least 2 top teeth showing under the gums. Should come in soon. From the looks of it, he has at least 4 top teeth coming. His poor gums are so red and swollen.

Tomorrow will be a big day. I'm facing 2 big steps in the same day. The first is MOPS in the morning. Same church as Tyler's funeral. I haven't been there since. The second is in the evening and the more emotionally intimidating activity of the 2. HopeKids has an event at the Children's Museum. It's a foundation for families with childhood cancer and other life threatening illnesses. They have deals with different places and they shut down to the public so we can have fun, germ free. So our kids can have somewhat of a life while in treatment. So why are we going? I assumed we wouldn't be, but I got a card in the mail, and a message on facebook saying that we should still come. Once a HopeKids family, always a HopeKids family. So we are going. There's going to be lots of fun. Lots of adorable toddlers with bald heads. Lots of awesome moms that I've gotten to know and love. Who braved to come support and sit with us in our darkest days, facing the sight of what they all hope will never be their child. So that's why we go, to see them, and for Dawson and Gabriel to have some fun. After all they've been through, they definitely deserve to have some fun!

Dawson is having a better week. He's playing with toys again, but not the things Tyler played with. He has new toys that don't remind him of Tyler, and also things he's finding that he didn't remember he had, that we hadn't taken to RMH with us. He's having trouble going to sleep at night. I'm trying to switch around his bedtime routine a bit. They say no tv or computer at least an hour before bed, because it stimulates the brain and is too fast paced for bedtime. Well that was his bedtime thing, he'd play on PBSkids.org for awhile. So I decided to head to the playroom with the kids an hour before bed. Dawson painted, read some books and played with some other toys. I figured I was doing good, he was enjoying his change of routine which was a relief. I gave Gabriel a bath and came out to find Dawson on the computer.

Here's a video of Dawson "reading" 8 Silly Monkeys. It's one of his favorite books. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34_BS3B83_4

Dawson is really staying in the lines more now! Even 6 months ago he was just scribbling and painting wherever. I gave him a simple page and he really enjoyed it. He doesn't do so well with an actual coloring page picture, he'd rather paint shapes and simple pictures.

They were being silly on my lap after reading books.

Gabriel achieved one of his goals. It was amusing because the day before I had mentioned that he made it into the kitchen, which is the furthest he's gone and next he'll probably want to go all the way down the hallway. Well look where he ventured before 10am the next morning! I guess those bags will have to be donated very soon! I was waiting because I had some stuff to add to it but I'm about done anyway.

 Dawson loves getting in on the pictures. Love it when he does this! It's so weird seeing such a gap. I see so many moms with kids very close in age in the stores and I just wonder if they think I have it so easy having a nice age gap. I know I used to think things like that. If only they knew.

 We got a box today! Gabriel couldn't care less what was in it, but the big box was so fun and the perfect size to stand up by.

 I was loving what was in the box though! It was a shipment from Schwan's from some friends in Texas! Thank goodness we have a deep freeze because this totally filled the rest of the freezer! We should be good for a while I think. :)

 Gabriel before his bath. I love that tongue. All of the boys went through that tongue phase!

 In the bath. I like that foam infant thing for him to sit on so he doesn't slide around. He likes the freedom more than the baby bath tub. Another thing that works well is a bath towel. Keep it folded and just put it in the water for them to sit on. The layers help them not slide around at all and the bath towel doesn't move either. I used that as a makeshift bath mat for Gabriel in the hospital since they had kind of a slippery sink to bathe in.

 Wrinkly baby feet are so cute!

All clean and ready for bed. It's weird seeing him in these pjs, seems like not long ago at all that I bought them for Tyler.

'Tis the Season

I'm trying to be excited for the Christmas season. Some days I'm feeling it, others I'm just not. I turned on the radio in the car a couple times. I heard "it's the most wonderful time of the year" and "all I want for Christmas is you". The second one I'm agreeing with wholeheartedly, while the other I'm having a tough time with. It's often hard to feel happy and cheerful without Tyler. Dawson is doing a great job in helping me be excited though. He's finally old enough to be excited about things and it's so much fun. We put the tree up Sunday night. I guess I should say that Dan put the tree up, I sat on the couch and took pictures and watched Dawson excitedly bounce around the room and try to "help". ;) 

 Dawson wasn't sure what to do, but he was excited, so he just decided to hug the tree.

 Dad added the 2nd layer, it's getting BIG!

 Here it is! Dawson is beyond excited and almost literally bouncing off the walls with joy.

 Gabriel loves the tree too! This didn't last long at all. After gazing at it's glowing glory, he decided to start playing with the tree. The next afternoon he got more rambunctious and almost knocked the whole thing over on himself.

 Dec 4th he started crawling! Watch out world, Gabriel is on the move! His first act of mischief was the garbage. Which I just found cute since he was so proud of himself for getting into something. He wasn't sure what to even do with it after he'd knocked it over. He just knew it was what he was supposed to do. I think it must be hardwired in there.

 Dawson helped bake cookies

 Dan went out and took a pic of our apartment from the outside. So pretty!

 The tree is all decorated. We put the fence up since Gabriel almost knocked it over on himself and his goal for every moment of the day was to play with or eat the tree.

The fence also allowed us to start putting gifts under the tree. These are all from our clinic! I was very surprised. Our nurses had said they referred us for their program, but I assumed it would just be a couple things for the boys. Instead we each got several things! People are just so amazing.

 Tonight we put up this little tree in honor of Tyler

 I'd bought a pack of Cars ornaments for it too

 These are on the big tree, their handprints from 2010. They look so tiny!

 One of my favorites, from the year we were married.

Someone got us this ornament the year Tyler was diagnosed. They're found at Target for sure, though I didn't see them this year so far. The funds go to Childhood Cancer Awareness. The butterfly is one of the symbols for Childhood Cancer research.

Dawson loves this frame. I need to get Gabriel in there, but I don't have a 5x7 of him yet. Dawson looks at it and he'll say "Dawson, Tyler, Tyler, Dawson, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler Dawson...." It's pretty cute.

Thankfully Dawson has been ok the last couple days. We've been home for the most part too. A friend stopped over with some toys, books and clothes. Dawson loves the things she brought and hasn't hardly put them down since! He now has a Vtech writing toy and a little compact easel that has a dry erase board on one side and chalk board on the other. He also has a tv dance cam that I haven't showed him yet. He's going to be so excited though. When we go to Walmart or stores with those little tvs that show you walking into the store, I have to just about drag him away from them. He'll walk past, looking up the whole way. Then he'll back up and giggle when he comes back on the screen. Then he jumps around and does silly things. Meanwhile everyone is looking at us funny. It's amusing. So I'm thinking he's going to love this thing.

Gabriel is loving his new found crawling skill and has been really all over the place! He hasn't ventured all the way down to the hallway yet, but I'm sure he will in the next few days. Here's a video of him the day he started crawling http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxJl1unvfos&feature=g-upl 

We have some things to look forward to this week, like rollerskating, the Children's Museum, MOPS, a playdate and some visitors. I love having things going on everyday, gives me something to look forward to each day. :)

One Month

Yesterday was a very hard day. I've been dreading the day for a while, especially as the end of the month was here and I knew that 1 month mark would be coming up. I had an appointment with the Autism Center Coordinator that morning, 9am. Thankfully she came to our place to see where we live and to meet Dawson. I woke up and was ok, just thinking about the meeting. It went well, she's excited to start working with him. They'll have everything set up and ready to start in a couple weeks.

We got some errands run. Target was our biggest stop. It's connected to the mall, and Dawson loves walking around the mall for fun. We got to the food court and Dawson wanted a cup of cinnamon bites. We did that often when we went to the mall, Dawson and Tyler would share a cup, they both really loved them. I gave Dawson money and he paid the lady for the cup. We went and sat down and he burst into tears and didn't want any. I asked him if he's sad and he said no. I gave him a big hug and instead of pulling away like he usually does, he totally leaned on me and started sobbing even harder. After a few minutes he was better and decided to share the cup with me.

Then we got to the ramp. Our mall isn't level, so there's a ramp and 4 steps on each side of the mall loop where the level changes a bit. He used to run down the ramp, go up the stairs and back down the ramp with Tyler. They had so much fun. He went down, back up and down again. I told him it was time to go and he got fussy. He finally did cooperate, but after walking a tiny bit he had another emotional meltdown. So we stopped and cuddled for a bit before moving on. He really followed me well, it's amazing to think back at where we were a year ago. We got around the loop and back to Target to do some Christmas shopping. He wanted to walk, but was already starting to fight me on some things. His behaviors were escalating so I put him in the cart for a while. Thankfully the things I needed were easy to find, so I hurried through my shopping and managed to get out of there in decent time, but not before dealing with 2 more meltdowns. He fell asleep on the way home and then wanted to cuddle me for quite a while when we got home. He seemed ok the rest of the night. He never wanted to talk about things any of the times he was having problems or even afterward.

Today (Saturday) I left him home with Daddy and just took Gabriel shopping. We went to 2 stores and he did great. I got some things and and got out of there when the stores started to get busy. I got home and Dawson was in a great mood. We set up our Christmas Tree this evening and Dawson was excited about that. It was sad for me, I found handprint ornaments from the school for 2010 from both the boys. Tyler's handprint is so little, but it hadn't really even gotten much bigger over the next year. Dawson has school project ornaments and all Tyler has is his first Christmas ornament and the handprint ornament, which is just a paper plate, but it's cute. Those 2 1/2 years felt like a long time in many ways, but things like this make me realize how short it really was.

Dan and I went rollerskating tonight. It was nice getting out and getting some exercise. Dawson loves seeing my friend's daughter. We were practically shoved out the door tonight. He said "bye mommy daddy!" and closed the door as we were walking out and even locked it. They had a lot of fun. We got home and Dawson was all smiles. He came over for a hug and said "happy!". He never admits when he's sad, but he sometimes tells me when he's really happy. :)

Full Schedule

We've had a very busy, productive few days! On Tuesday we went to a Mom's Club playdate. It was nice to get out and get an earlier start to my day. It's kind of refreshing to be up and out the door early, like I already have a good start to the day. Dawson wanted to leave 30 minutes early, so we ended up going. There were about 8 moms there with about 15 kids, so it was very chaotic and noisy. It just got to be a bit much for him after a while, but he did seem to have some fun. Gabriel loved it, he was on the floor with the kids, playing and smiling.

After we got home, a friend I met at ECFE class came over to help clean and organize. She organized my pantry cabinet and got many things cleaned up. She also brought baskets she'd found on sale and put them to good use. I love them! Now all those bottles and things aren't tipping over on our shelf that doesn't have a solid surface.

 Dan hung lights on our balcony. Dawson loves the Christmas lights. He shouts "Chriscris lights!" everytime we see them around town. He was very excited to see the clinic has a Christmas tree also. I'm getting excited to get ours up.

Dan and I went rollerskating Tuesday night. Our friends couldn't make it, but it was nice to get out anyway. I was so tired when I got home afterward, I felt like I hadn't stopped moving all day! It felt good though. 

Gabriel is still pretty darn cute and he knows it.

 He's trying so hard to crawl and he's getting so close! He's starting to move his hands forward now, so I'm guessing it might only be another week before he's really moving around. He's pretty content to just play most of the time though. He's teething now, has about 4 coming in on the top from the looks of it. Poor little guy has been more fussy this week because of it but it hasn't been too bad.

 I held Gabriel up to say goodnight the other night and Dawson decided he wanted to cuddle Gabriel. So I put him on Dawson's pillow and they both decided that was pretty fun.

 Then Gabriel found his musical seahorse that Dawson has taken over and was looking at it. Dawson was very happy to have him in his bed. Plus he was showing off for the camera. When I went to take Gabriel back down, Dawson blocked my hand with a serious face and said "no mommy, Gabriel sleep here". To cute! Unfortunately I'm against letting 8 month old babies sleep in the top bunk, no matter how cute of face I get begging me! I did finally get him back and into his own crib.

 So Dawson decided to join Gabriel instead. I heard giggling. A sound I really missed, Dawson and Tyler used to cuddle and giggle every night at bedtime. I went in his room to find this. I love that they are bonding! Dawson is paying so much more attention to Gabriel these days. They're gonna be best buddies.

 Dawson was having some more aggression issues and trouble finding things to do at home, so I got him some beans and used Tyler's med box that I'd just cleaned up to make a little sensory tub. He loves it! He often goes to it during the day and it really seems to calm him.

On Wednesday Dawson had an appt, so my organizing friend came early to play with Gabriel. She'd planned on coming to finish cleaning and organizing anyway. She even brought her mom who wanted to help. They washed the floors, counters, sinks and bathtub, vacuumed, and organized more things. I got a big box unpacked and some organizing done too. When Dawson got off the bus, he gave her 4 year old boy a big hug and even a kiss on the cheek. I think he likes having a buddy around, especially after seeing him a few times now. They came for just a playdate over the weekend too. We definitely have to schedule more playdates. It's so cute seeing Dawson enjoying having people around.

She had brought this cube storage to put in the closet to utilize more space. The shoes had been sitting in a pile at the bottom of the closet or on a rug outside the closet. It's so much more open to not have shoes there! Has a spot for hats and gloves too. Dawson caught on quickly that this is where his shoes go. Today he'd just ditched them on the rug and I just had to ask them to put his shoes away and he remembered they go in here now and put them away.

Dawson's Psychologist appt went well this morning. This lady didn't grab at him or try to ask him questions he didn't understand. She just observed and talked to me. She answered some questions and gave some suggestions and we talked about how he understands things and what might help him to understand better. Dawson played a magnet puzzle, wrote letters and numbers on the dry erase board and then played catch with a ball. He threw the ball really high once and bumped the clock on the wall, which proceeded to fall down and the glass broke to pieces. Never a dull moment with us it seems! He didn't get hit or anything, he ran and stood behind me though, looking at it with that "uh oh!" look on his face.

After the appt we went to "The O Store", which is Target. He sees the big red O on the side and just calls it the O store. He was very excited to find out Grandma was there. We had planned to meet up, but Dawson didn't understand the concept of Grandma being at the store. He heard "Grandma" and wanted to go to her house. Once we saw her van, he was very excited. He got to look at toys with Grandma for about 20 minutes, then it was time for school. So Dawson and I went to his school, he had a slight tantrum, but it was over when his teacher brought out the iPad for him to play with. Apparently all the Special Ed teachers have them for the kids to learn with and kids like Dawson really do well with them. He was navigating that thing so well! Swiping his finger to the side to go to different pages, pointing to things and finding the games he likes. It was neat to see him enjoying it so much. Too bad they're so expensive! Afterward I went back to Target where my mom still had Gabriel and we looked around some more. I think I'm set for Christmas ideas for everyone now.

Gabriel and I got home and he was napping, so I let him sleep for a bit. It looks so nice in there. Feels so good to walk in and see empty kitchen counters instead of a cluttered mess. I round the corner and find more free space! It's so refreshing. I decided to bake some cookies. Someone had brought over some cookie dough that's already made into cookie blobs, so I just had to put them on the sheet. It really seemed too easy! Turned out to be a good thing though, since Gabriel woke up and wanted to nurse. Shortly after Dawson got home on the bus, a friend stopped over with a meal she'd made. They've been so nice to have! Not having to worry about cooking, especially when we've been so busy or just so unmotivated to make anything decent, has been great! Otherwise I'm sure we'd be living on pizza and chicken nuggets because it's easy! Instead we've had lasagna, homemade soup, meatloaf, chicken enchiladas, beef stew, chicken/rice dish, and many other good meals. I'm constantly blown away by people's generosity.

This evening we had ECFE class. Dawson decided he wanted to play outside, but it was too cold and dark for that. Once we got in the classroom he was fine though. Gabriel loves class. He flirts with all the moms and teachers and is right at home. He was so used to all the attention at the hospital, he's not used to things being so quiet at home. So we get to places like that and he just lights up and is so happy. Gabriel likes the ball pit, he actually dives for it and sit there and watches the kids jump around and throw balls. Dawson takes running leaps into it and Gabriel smiles so big. It's nice to see them happy.

It's still pretty hard to be in the same preschool room and gym that we were in with Tyler. Tomorrow it will be 1 month without Tyler and I still sometimes can't believe he's really gone. I still have moments when I'm in the store or doing something where it feels like I should be keeping an eye out for 3 kids. It's like one is missing and then I remember I only have 2 now. It's still so hard, those moments when I think about him not ever being here again. He's in my mind every moment of every day, but there are still times where I really think more about things and it's so painful. Dawson has been having a harder time too. Yesterday when we got in the van he said "go see Tyler". I talked to him about it again and he ignored me and said "no, go see Tyler". The one that killed me was "give Tyler kiss". All he wants to do is go give his brother a kiss, and he has no idea why he isn't able to. I sure wish I could find the words to help him understand. So far, nothing is really working. No parent or sibling should have to go through this.