Thursday, July 26, 2012

Rough Week

It's been a rough week for all of us. Some weeks are just like that. The pain is worse than usual and it affects everyone. Dawson woke up from a nightmare 2 nights ago and was still sad and a bit shaken up in the morning. He's had a rough couple of days, more short tempered and has gone back to his coping ways of playing elevator with the closet door and going to 7th floor (where Tyler was). I asked him if he was sad and needs a hug and he calmed down and said yes. After talking to him, he seemed a little better, but is still quick to have those negative behaviors. We're working on some new things with therapy as well. Only 1 full month left of therapy! It will be so different once school starts, and so nice to not have company all day, every day.

Dawson is back to sleeping in Tyler's bed now. He used to sleep with him, he's such a protective brother.

Gabriel was looking at Tyler's picture coasters, stroking Tyler's face gently and he gave the picture a kiss. Our of the 4, he chose the picture that he must remember, which is Tyler in the hospital. He didn't know him in any other setting, but seeing him chose that picture and care for it so nicely just makes me wonder if he really does remember him.

This is the picture Gabriel likes. I have 4 on coasters, so they are easier for them to look at and play with without ruining the picture.
 Gabriel and Tyler

I wish they could tell me what they were thinking. For me it seems like each day I'm thinking about something different. It's hard to get it out of my head and shake the feelings, whether it's just anger and sadness that Tyler went through those things, or wishing I would've done things differently. Not even big things, but just things I wish I would've told him, or done a bit different.

Today's memory was the day he was intubated. It was supposed to be a temporary thing, just so he could heal up and be on his way. I never once thought that would be the last time I'd see him sitting up, or hear his voice. I never thought things would go so bad. I had to hold him down and for us it was just a routine thing. Holding him down for needles, chemo, sedation and other things. But he fought so hard that time. Did he know it was the end? I can still see his face, he was so scared.

I still can't believe our spunky, adorable little boy is gone. We're coming up on 9 months and it is much harder now than it was the day he died. I keep wondering how big he'd be now, going into preschool, something he wanted to do so badly. We'd wait for Dawson's bus and he was so excited. He wanted to get on so badly and I told him just one more year. It's hard seeing places I wanted to take him, or things he enjoyed. There's been so much of that this summer.
The big gap is so obvious to me. My kids are all close in age, there shouldn't be a 4 year gap, it seems too big. There should be 3 kids running and playing, not just 2. It's amazing how much 1 person can change. Our family seems so small now.

1 comment:

Erin said...

I can't even begin to imagine how painful it is now...... My heart breaks for you. We live thankful for everyday with Bailey, knowing what could be. When I read your posts, my mind wanders to the forbidden, " what if it was me?"and I feel sick to my stomach. We are thankful for this " guilt of survivorship" knowing full well the reality of this disease. We continue to lift you ALL in prayer...... Hugs!