Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Unburied Treasures

I've been having a harder time this week. Just missing my little boy, and realizing what we were doing last year at this time. We've entered the "beginning of the end" time period and it's been hard as I expected. On the 24th of April last year we were at a hotel in the cities, watching traffic go by, giggling and trying to hold back the tears and anxiety. Knowing that the next day Tyler would be admitted for the next several months to re-start intensive chemo after his relapse. I look at this picture and I almost forget what he looked like with hair. He spent most of his life without any.
 Sweet Tyler cuddling with Daddy at the hotel. I sure miss that cuddlebug.
 The next morning, all settled into his hospital room, ready for anything.
I also recently had a friend help me get my cell phone pics onto the computer! I had some dating back to March 2010. It was neat seeing them in the bigger version on the computer and finally having copies of them saved. It was like finding buried treasure, I love getting new pics of Tyler especially. I had this one on there, from the day we were admitted, April 25th, 2011. Gabriel and Tyler were so close, they nursed together, shared my lap most of the day. I hate that Gabriel has to grow up not knowing his brother. They would've been so close.
This was Dawson, a few months before he turned 3. So little!
 Dawson, 3 years old. I forget how light his hair was then!
 Dawson looks so tiny! They grow so fast.
 Dawson helping Daddy change his tire. 3 1/2 years.
 Dawson and Tyler after a walk.
 Dawson and Tyler cuddling with me at bedtime.
 Dawson and Tyler in the garage. Tyler wasn't very happy with me stepping back to take a pic!
 Tyler was so tired that he couldn't even stay awake long on the playground.
 Tyler with his chubby steroid cheeks
 Tyler all ready to go to Grandma's house so Mommy can go have baby Gabriel
 Tyler on the playground. Gabriel does the 1 finger in the mouth thing all the time now too.
 Tyler fell asleep in the pool. Summer 2010.
 Playing outside! He is too adorable!

 Overcoming his fear of stethoscopes. :)
 Dawson the day we got home after Tyler died. He was so excited to be home again, it had been a few months. He didn't understand that Tyler was gone though.
 Dawson holding a puppy
 Dawson on the swing. He was 3 in this one. These pics kinda skip around a bit!
 Dawson and Tyler, August 2011. Our short week at home. They were in the car playing with my cd player.
 Tyler's chubby steroid cheek smile
 Dawson looks so happy to be home and doing normal things.

 Baby Gabriel!
 Gabriel 1 week old
 2 weeks old
 About 6 weeks, in the ER for Rotovirus.
 About 4 months old

 Dec 2011. He fell asleep on our coats. So sleepy.
 Sept 2011, Dawson and Gabriel riding in the stroller together. Dawson actually wanted to hold him! A huge breakthrough. Before he wouldn't tolerate a baby on his lap and still has trouble sometimes, depending on his mood.
 Dawson loved pulling the wagons and helping us move in and out of RMH and the hospital. Moving out!
 Moving back in
 Festival at the hospital. Got some shades, he loves sunglasses.
 Tyler, Oct 29, 2011. Only a few days before he died.
 Dawson, Bali and Gabriel shopping with me.
 Dawson and Gabriel by our friend's carved bear. We were visiting Bali in the hospital. He had Bronchiolitis.
It's so sweet and sad looking back on those pics. Realizing again that Gabriel grew up so fast and that I never really had time to just sit around at home and enjoy him. We were at the hospital since he was just a few weeks old and didn't come home until he was 7 months old. It was the same with Tyler, 4 months until 9 months. I feel a bit ripped off, honestly! Dawson was horribly colicky, so he wasn't a cuddly calm baby that I could just sit around with. Thankfully I have a couple of friends with babies and it's so nice just sitting and holding babies, but it's hard knowing that I missed out on so much with my own.

Also having a hard time lately with just the fact that Tyler suffered nearly his whole life only to die at the end. I just don't get it. Trying to understand what purpose that could've held, and why a sweet boy had to suffer so much pain. At least he will never suffer again. I try to hold onto that thought instead.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Busy Week

It's been week since I've had time to update! We've been busy with extra kids, therapy, chiropractor and other things!

My biggest challenge is a continuing one. Dawson has been throwing tantrums sometimes when we get in the van. He got in the driver's seat, put my gps on the dash and said he was going to see Tyler. Then continued on about it. I took him out and talked to him a bit, but he wasn't in the mood to be reasoned with or told where Tyler is. He just wants to see his brother again. It's so hard seeing these outbursts. It's hard enough for me to deal with myself, let alone trying to get Dawson to understand.

We had Megan and Bali here a few days in a row now and babysat some too. It will be exciting when she can get an affordable apartment that doesn't smell strongly of drugs.

Bali playing on the air mattress. The kids thought it was great and loved flopping onto it.
 Bali and Gabriel
Exciting saving money. I was paying $18 a month for the children's probiotic in the stores. I found these that have 48 days instead of 30 and it was only $8! The fish oil was cheaper too. So I stocked up, we should be good for a while. Had to buy more for the free shipping, but nice to not have to worry about it for a while. I went to Vitacost.com since they took paypal. :)
 I hosted a Scentsy party last month and got some host rewards. She also surprised me with this Autism awareness warmer!
 Yummy scents!
 This was my 1/2 off item for hosting. It's a plug-in warmer. We put it in the bathroom and have had it in the kitchen and boy's room as well.
Skye making her mom some oatmeal cookies
 The girls were excited to give their mom some cookies, as long as she was willing to share. ;)
 Is it just me, or is this just gross?! Dawson loves butter. I found him eating another stick today. This was a new stick when he started. *shudder*
 Poor caged Dawson. They always want what they can't have, like going into the kitchen/dining room while mom washes the floor.
 Watched Rain and Buddy while their mom went to the chiropractor an hour away. We went for a walk to see the river.
 She was very impressed and excited.
 Buddy and Gabriel looking at the river.
 Sleepy buddies
 My place today, just some of the kids. One was taking a nap and the other was in the playroom. Their sister had an evaluation today, so I offered to take the kids to limit the chaos during the eval. They had fun on the playground and playing inside with Megan and I.
 Buddy decided to join this picture. I love how Gabriel is growling at him. They are so cute playing together all the time.
I've been going to the chiropractor and it has been helping. Today I also helped Megan fill out paperwork to get started with the Autism Center for her little guy. Dawson has been doing pretty good with therapy, making lots of progress just thinking back on what he was doing just a few months ago. I was also showing her his evaluation from when he was 2 1/2 and it's amazing to think of where he was then and how far he has come. He's also had no potty training accidents since that first month of potty training! I thought for sure there would be more. No complaints though!

Gabriel is getting faster at walking and now walks up with his arms stretched out and his tickly fingers going as he walks toward me. So cute! He learned that from Buddy I think. It was so hard bringing him home today. I had the girls get their shoes on and went to find Buddy. He was in the playroom, sitting across from Gabriel nicely playing with a toy together. They looked so sweet! He was bummed to leave his little buddy behind. His newest word is "uh oh". He's been eating anything I put on his plate. I'm still not used to having a child who is willing to eat anything!

I found this and thought I'd share it. Another list to help friends get a glimpse of what is going on in our head.

Bereaved Parents:
•You're in shock from what has happened and a numbness surrounds you to help shield you from the pain.
•You find yourself in denial. Your child cannot be dead. You expect to see your child walk through the door any moment.
•You see your child in the faces of others walking down the street.
•You wonder how someone can feel this much pain and survive.
•Thoughts of suicide briefly enter your mind. You tell yourself you want to die—and yet you want to live to take care of your family and honor your child's memory.
•You want to know how the people around you can go about their day as if nothing has happened—don't they understand that your life—everything that meant anything to you—has just ended? Your purpose in life is gone.
•You are no longer afraid of death as each day that passes puts you one day closer to being with your child.
•Thoughts of "what ifs" enter your mind as you play out scenarios that you believe would have saved your child.
•Your memory has suddenly become clouded. You're shrouded in forgetfulness. You'll be driving down the road and not know where you are or remember where you're going. As you walk, you may find yourself involved in "little accidents" because you're in a haze.
•You fear that you are going crazy.
•You find there's a videotape that constantly plays in an endless loop in your mind, running through what happened.
•You find your belief system is shaken and you try to sort out what this means to your faith.
•Placing impossible deadlines on yourself, you go back to work, but find that your mind wanders and it's difficult to function efficiently or, some days, at all. Others wonder when you'll be over "it," not understanding that you'll never be the same person you were before your child died—and the passage of time will not make you so.
•You find yourself reading the same paragraph over and over again trying to understand what someone else has written.