Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Unburied Treasures

I've been having a harder time this week. Just missing my little boy, and realizing what we were doing last year at this time. We've entered the "beginning of the end" time period and it's been hard as I expected. On the 24th of April last year we were at a hotel in the cities, watching traffic go by, giggling and trying to hold back the tears and anxiety. Knowing that the next day Tyler would be admitted for the next several months to re-start intensive chemo after his relapse. I look at this picture and I almost forget what he looked like with hair. He spent most of his life without any.
 Sweet Tyler cuddling with Daddy at the hotel. I sure miss that cuddlebug.
 The next morning, all settled into his hospital room, ready for anything.
I also recently had a friend help me get my cell phone pics onto the computer! I had some dating back to March 2010. It was neat seeing them in the bigger version on the computer and finally having copies of them saved. It was like finding buried treasure, I love getting new pics of Tyler especially. I had this one on there, from the day we were admitted, April 25th, 2011. Gabriel and Tyler were so close, they nursed together, shared my lap most of the day. I hate that Gabriel has to grow up not knowing his brother. They would've been so close.
This was Dawson, a few months before he turned 3. So little!
 Dawson, 3 years old. I forget how light his hair was then!
 Dawson looks so tiny! They grow so fast.
 Dawson helping Daddy change his tire. 3 1/2 years.
 Dawson and Tyler after a walk.
 Dawson and Tyler cuddling with me at bedtime.
 Dawson and Tyler in the garage. Tyler wasn't very happy with me stepping back to take a pic!
 Tyler was so tired that he couldn't even stay awake long on the playground.
 Tyler with his chubby steroid cheeks
 Tyler all ready to go to Grandma's house so Mommy can go have baby Gabriel
 Tyler on the playground. Gabriel does the 1 finger in the mouth thing all the time now too.
 Tyler fell asleep in the pool. Summer 2010.
 Playing outside! He is too adorable!

 Overcoming his fear of stethoscopes. :)
 Dawson the day we got home after Tyler died. He was so excited to be home again, it had been a few months. He didn't understand that Tyler was gone though.
 Dawson holding a puppy
 Dawson on the swing. He was 3 in this one. These pics kinda skip around a bit!
 Dawson and Tyler, August 2011. Our short week at home. They were in the car playing with my cd player.
 Tyler's chubby steroid cheek smile
 Dawson looks so happy to be home and doing normal things.

 Baby Gabriel!
 Gabriel 1 week old
 2 weeks old
 About 6 weeks, in the ER for Rotovirus.
 About 4 months old

 Dec 2011. He fell asleep on our coats. So sleepy.
 Sept 2011, Dawson and Gabriel riding in the stroller together. Dawson actually wanted to hold him! A huge breakthrough. Before he wouldn't tolerate a baby on his lap and still has trouble sometimes, depending on his mood.
 Dawson loved pulling the wagons and helping us move in and out of RMH and the hospital. Moving out!
 Moving back in
 Festival at the hospital. Got some shades, he loves sunglasses.
 Tyler, Oct 29, 2011. Only a few days before he died.
 Dawson, Bali and Gabriel shopping with me.
 Dawson and Gabriel by our friend's carved bear. We were visiting Bali in the hospital. He had Bronchiolitis.
It's so sweet and sad looking back on those pics. Realizing again that Gabriel grew up so fast and that I never really had time to just sit around at home and enjoy him. We were at the hospital since he was just a few weeks old and didn't come home until he was 7 months old. It was the same with Tyler, 4 months until 9 months. I feel a bit ripped off, honestly! Dawson was horribly colicky, so he wasn't a cuddly calm baby that I could just sit around with. Thankfully I have a couple of friends with babies and it's so nice just sitting and holding babies, but it's hard knowing that I missed out on so much with my own.

Also having a hard time lately with just the fact that Tyler suffered nearly his whole life only to die at the end. I just don't get it. Trying to understand what purpose that could've held, and why a sweet boy had to suffer so much pain. At least he will never suffer again. I try to hold onto that thought instead.


Greg Myers said...

Hugs Stephanie! Those are true treasures! I especially love the ones of Tyler in the red hoodie. He was such a sweet joyful little boy.

mandy said...

hugs it will get better in timr tyler's watching over yous god got an angel when tyler went to heaven god bless and i amhere if you need to talk... in my prayers everyday