Dawson got better after Halloween, but not me. I thought once we passed that dreaded day, Nov 2nd, that it would get better. It still continued though. I woke up the next morning with the same heaviness that I did last year. The week leading up to the funeral, I kept thinking about plans, did we do everything right for him? Did we make all the right choices and decisions? It really doesn't matter now, and I keep telling myself that, and honestly there's really nothing else that could've been done. The Dr had said that as well, yet we still wonder. They say this is normal.
From the time a baby is born, we keep track of all their firsts. Our family pic, them sitting up, smiling, etc. I never knew one day I would be thinking about all the lasts.
Our last family picture
The last time I held him
The last time I saw him
No parent should have to stand by helplessly as their child fights for 2 years, suffers, overcomes so many things, then still ends up dying. No parent should have to hold them as they gasp for air for 30 minutes, silently begging them to just stop. No parent should have to leave their child, after holding them for hours, feeling them get stiff and cold, and wondering how we ever got here, and why us?
Thankfully I have a group on facebook that I created a year ago for other grieving parents who's child had cancer. I have a few other friends who have lost a child as well who have been very helpful. They have been an amazing support group and I honestly don't know how I'd be doing today if I didn't have them to tell me that all these things are normal feelings. I asked them if anyone else feels like Psycho-Grinch, because this is beyond Grinch, this is irrational and I feel like a crazy person half the time! I see posts on facebook about black friday, or pictures of all the toys they have bought for their kids and I just want to scream. Who cares! They are just objects, half that they will play with for a week and forget about. All I want is my little boy, or maybe even a sense of peace and ability to move on and enjoy life somehow.
Dawson made me smile the other day when I asked him what he wants for Christmas. He said "Go to Grandma's house!". I asked if he wants toys for Christmas and he said "um, no, just go to Grandma's house!". I'm glad someone has their priorities straight. :) Our apartment hung wreaths last week, and he lit up and said "It's like Christmas!". He has been excited ever since. Since Thanksgiving there has been a lot of outside lights going up as well. We ate at Pizza Ranch last night for supper, and driving back in the dark he was so excited. It also snowed this week, started on Thanksgiving. I think the snowfall has hit me hard as well. Tyler loved watching the snow fall, and seeing the boys watch in excitement has been fun, but hard.
This week has been harder than most. I haven't gotten out of the house much, Dawson has been home most of the week and has been out of routine and constipated as well. He had a couple buns at Thanksgiving, plus some pie crust, and other snacks he got into during the week. The last couple days he has just been in a rage, but today he seems a bit better. That of course did not do good things for my mood either. I've been having horrible mood swings as well, which is mostly what led me to catch up on my blog, it helps, writing therapy. :) So to catch up with pics from Oct and Nov...
Dawson finished Horse Therapy. He loved it so much and I'm looking forward to the spring session! Here he was doing stretches. He has pretty good balance. He loves riding with his arms up.
I'm hoping to update this more often! I'm looking forward to getting back to a normal week of Dawson in school and me having some Mom stuff to go to. On Tuesday Dan and I are going to a parenting workshop about grieving children. Thursday is Dawson's yearly IEP meeting at school. On Friday I have a get-together with some of the most amazing ladies, my cancer moms group. Because even though some of our kids are gone, we will forever be in this group. The world of Childhood Cancer changes who you are, it changes your way of thinking and looking at the world, it changes how you parent, what you view as important, etc. Hopefully this will be a better week than the last. I liked this quote from a grieving page I found. It seems the whole weekend so far has been a big emotional release! Hopefully it will be less soon.
"You made it through Thanksgiving. The day has come and gone. Whether it was easier than you expected, harder (or both), the day is over. Often the day after has an emotional release. Rest today where you can. Be gracious to yourself, and tender. This is not an easy road."