Today we did some shopping, Dawson had no school today. He ended up having a moment and was screaming at the top of his lungs in protest to something so simple. It was obviously not anything about what I had said no to. Grief will amplify things. Something sad will make you so angry. Something that is normally not a big deal will suddenly be a big deal. So as he is screaming, to the point of tensing up tight and nearly shaking, I just had to continue on, head to the back corner of the store until he got it all out. We got so many looks. It's hard enough having a tantruming 1 year old, but with a 5 year old, people look at me like I have failed to teach the child something, or like he's just that spoiled. They have no clue what he is going through. When we pulled into the parking lot, he was excited to go shopping. It changes so fast, lots of ups and downs. He was so excited to pick out a present for his uncle's birthday and to learn he gets to have birthday cake on Sunday. Yet a few aisles later he was throwing a huge fit over something tiny. He was better by the food section, when I reminded him he gets to pick out a treat for this week. He earns tokens during his home therapy and when he earns enough, he gets to do something fun, or have a special snack if it's that time. It really motivates him.
On the other hand, I have had a much better week. Those internal clouds seem to have lifted and I'm feeling more motivated and I have more energy. It's amazing how grief can affect you physically. For a while I was getting anxiety attacks, only I didn't realize what it was and was rather worried. My chest hurt, I couldn't breathe and my left arm was tingling. It happened several times, and everyone knows that's not a good sign. Thanks to my grief group, I discovered those are also common symptoms of a panic attack, and sure enough, it only got bad when I was feeling more emotional. They have not lasted very long and it was only for a short span of a week or 2 when it happened and I haven't had that issue since. Seems like just the phase I was going through at the time. Dawson's problems this week have dragged me down a bit, but in general I have been much better than I was before. It's hard when everyone is in a different place in their grieving. Seems like someone at any given point is in a bad mood, it makes things difficult.
Yesterday I ventured out a bit more. I hadn't really left town while Dawson is in school until then. I went to my cousin's house in Becker, which was fun. Gabriel loved seeing the animals. He's my little animal lover, horses especially. They have 2 and he was so excited! We went up to them and he made his "neigh" noise, which is rather long, exaggerated and high-pitched for a horse! It's really funny. I tried to get it on video, but of course once I started, he wouldn't do it again. He also got to see some cows and ducks. Also his 2 cousins, who are Dawson and Tyler's age. We had our babies 2 months apart both times, which was neat.
We have an exciting several days ahead. Going to visit Tasha and Rilee, the little guy we met in the ICU. Also my brother's birthday party, and the Children's Museum through HopeKids. I'm also on the parent counsel for the school now and have a meeting on monday. They asked me to be a parent voice, so I thought I would try it. Dawson and Tyler both did home visits and ECSE there, as well as ECFE, and now Gabriel is in ECFE also. I'm hoping for some Christmas shopping motivation to hit as well! I don't even have a clue what I'm going to get Dawson yet. I'm hoping this 6 inches of snow we're supposed to get will help that Christmas mood to hit!