Monday, November 7, 2011

I have 2 Children

This is going to take a while to wrap my head around and break old routines. I have 2 kids in diapers instead of 3, I have an empty carseat in the back of my van. An empty booster chair at my table. An empty bottom bunk bed. A dresser that is no longer used. Food in my cupboard that only Tyler would eat. That's just the physical things. I've gotten used to not having him here. He wasn't with us at RMH, he's been in the hospital since Sept 6th, so that is not very weird. Except I am home now, so thoughts keep creeping into my head. We went to Walmart today, I found myself looking around for the special cart that holds 2 toddlers and realized I no longer need it. Then later I was thinking about the memorial services, wondering what I'm going to do with Dawson, who will not sit still for long at all. I'm betting 5 minutes tops. So then I think I'll just find 3 designated people to watch the kids while I'm mingling with the crowd. As I'm thinking of who all to ask, specifically who to watch which child I realize... I don't need 3.

There's always many people who say "oh he's with you, he never left". Come over to my place and see the empty spaces and see what you think. Perhaps the change won't seem big to most, but to us they stand out. Life with a 2 year old is busy, noisy. Remove that noise and it is very weird. He's no longer tearing papers off my table, tossing food on the floor, pudding mac n cheese handprints on my window or running down the hall with the end of the toilet paper roll hoping to make it to the end of the place without it breaking off. I see no big smile waking me up in the morning and doing our usual hour of cuddle/nursing time before we get up. I have no morning IV flushes and no bedtime meds to give. He may be with us in spirit and his memory will always be with us too. I will mention him if anyone asks about my kids. There's not a moment where I'm not thinking about him. But he is not actually here. Huge difference.

6 comments:

Angie Manser said...

What a sad sad time, from three to two - heartbreaking. The habits will be there and you wont ever forget your amazing little boy. So sad for you, so sad. Cry, scream,laugh and hug, cry some more. Dont be strong if you dont want to be strong. Nobody is feeling what you guys are feeling right now. ((HUGS))

Unknown said...

I know too well that void you're speaking of. Although I haven't experienced it with one my own children & pray to God that I never do. Death has visited my household 3 times and that void is awful! As I read today's blog I was once again reduced to tears. I wish so badly I could do something to take this heartache away and bring Tyler back. ((((HUGS))))

jen2005lee said...

I couldn't imagine how you are feeling and won't pretend that I do. I remember when Paige was born she in the NICU for the 3 days I was in the hospital and I was lost...I'm hoping to make it on Friday, you and your family have been imprinted in my heart and I just hurt for you guys, but happy he's not in pain no more, but i miss him like crazy---and i've never met him! It really made me think of my grandpa who we lost almost 6 months ago, how much hurt and pain i felt during that time, it gets easier but i'm not sure when....

Jdewb said...

You always have to remember to keep trooping. Not for your sake but for your kids sake. It has been five years since I lost my son, and to this day when someone asks me how many kids I have I reply three, a five year old a three year old and a two month old. I don't like to say two, because I have three babies. Its going to be hard, for a long time, but when you get to that point, where you don't feel as if you can go on, remember he would want you to, and your boys need you too. Xoxox

lisa97 said...

This is lisa from face book I lost two twins and still say I have three lost. Them at 6 mounths two years ago I miss them so much my 8 year old has autisam and dose some what no about her brother and sister she dose not like to talk about it eather like dawson I do not try to forcer her to

lisa97 said...

This is lisa granlee erickson from your frinds list I put up two real cute pics on my face book page I did of tyler and want you to look at the and tell me what you think please your frind lisa