This is going to take a while to wrap my head around and break old routines. I have 2 kids in diapers instead of 3, I have an empty carseat in the back of my van. An empty booster chair at my table. An empty bottom bunk bed. A dresser that is no longer used. Food in my cupboard that only Tyler would eat. That's just the physical things. I've gotten used to not having him here. He wasn't with us at RMH, he's been in the hospital since Sept 6th, so that is not very weird. Except I am home now, so thoughts keep creeping into my head. We went to Walmart today, I found myself looking around for the special cart that holds 2 toddlers and realized I no longer need it. Then later I was thinking about the memorial services, wondering what I'm going to do with Dawson, who will not sit still for long at all. I'm betting 5 minutes tops. So then I think I'll just find 3 designated people to watch the kids while I'm mingling with the crowd. As I'm thinking of who all to ask, specifically who to watch which child I realize... I don't need 3.
There's always many people who say "oh he's with you, he never left". Come over to my place and see the empty spaces and see what you think. Perhaps the change won't seem big to most, but to us they stand out. Life with a 2 year old is busy, noisy. Remove that noise and it is very weird. He's no longer tearing papers off my table, tossing food on the floor, pudding mac n cheese handprints on my window or running down the hall with the end of the toilet paper roll hoping to make it to the end of the place without it breaking off. I see no big smile waking me up in the morning and doing our usual hour of cuddle/nursing time before we get up. I have no morning IV flushes and no bedtime meds to give. He may be with us in spirit and his memory will always be with us too. I will mention him if anyone asks about my kids. There's not a moment where I'm not thinking about him. But he is not actually here. Huge difference.