Monday, November 14, 2011

Phone Calls, Memories and Flowers

Today's goal was to get some phone calls made. I talked to Dawson's school and they are now working on getting Dawson back into preschool. I can't call the Autism Center about home therapy yet because the lady who sets it all up is on vacation until the 18th. I got Dawson an appointment with a Child Psychologist in town on Wednesday. Hopefully they'll be able to help with his grieving and understanding process. He's been sleeping in Tyler's bed. He always does when Tyler is not here. The other night he suddenly came running from his room, crying and wanted to cuddle for a while. Then last night he decided to sleep in his own bed. I've tried getting him to talk about it, but he has little words to begin with as far as emotions go. Today he was cuddling me and said "sad, mommy". I said "are you sad" and he said "uh huh". I asked if he was sad about Tyler and then he didn't want to say anything more and decided our cuddle time was over. I don't want to push him, and I'm glad he volunteered that much. It's a start.
I also called about ECFE classes. I've always gone to them in the evening. For a while we were doing Monday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings at the school. They had so much fun. It was by far their favorite nights of the week. On Mondays they got to play in the gym, Wednesdays we got to eat pizza and Thursdays we sang songs and played with the other kids. They got gym time each day we went too. It's going to be hard to go back without Tyler. He'd walk in with the biggest smile and was so excited for everything. He would sing "pizza pizza pizza!" all the way there on wednesdays. Dawson more than ever needs kids to play with though. He's been so lonely and loves those classes too, so I hope to get back to it. They've stopped the Mon & Wed groups, but they still have the other class we went to, so I'll just start with that.

I think I went all day without crying on Saturday. Most of Sunday too, but then the kids went to bed and it was quiet. That was usually my cuddle time with Tyler, in the evenings after Dawson went to bed. He would often go to bed at the same time, but when he wasn't feeling well, we would cuddle. So I was sitting there and it just hit me again. Most of the time I'm still numb, but then it's like the numbness goes away and the pain takes my breath away. So I took that hot shower and had a good cry. I still don't and probably will never understand why he didn't make it. He pulled through so much, so why after all that did he have to die? It's not fair. I've heard "at least your life can get back to normal now". What is normal? For us when we were home it was clinic appointments every week, or if we were lucky, every other week. But that's not a big deal. I got to enjoy him the rest of the time and that was way worth it. We will never be back to normal. Dawson is fighting to understand what has happened and where his brother is. He's lost without his playmate and Gabriel is just not old enough to play with yet.

I still have a bad cold, which is not helping matters any. I have no energy or motivation to do much of anything. Today I wanted to do something, but I wasn't sure what. Didn't want to sort papers, I always run into something about Tyler there. Don't dare go through a box, there's always something in there too and I'm just not feeling strong enough to look at his things today. I got a box of clothes for Gabriel in the mail, so I started to go through that, only I found things that would've fit Tyler, plus some Cars shoes in the size that would've fit Tyler and I hadn't even gotten past the first layer of the box. So I set that aside for another day. I did go through my flowers though. I watered some and picked out the dead ones. We haven't gotten much sun, despite them being close to the window.

This cold is really messing up the little plans I did have though. I had planned on having people over and getting my mind off things. Instead I'm sitting around just thinking. Not good!

Here are the flowers we got from the funeral. This basket was from my dad's work. Sad that my dad's work can send flowers, but Dan's (former) employer hasn't even sent a card or email of acknowledgement.
 Tyler's candle, Urn and 2 baskets of flowers. We have a rock up there too with a saying on it that someone gave us.
 Blue and Red roses from Dawson and Gabriel

 This big bunch was from us and was hanging at the service.

 I love all the colors
 Love the sunflowers. A few have died already though. They must be pretty sensitive. We haven't had much sun either.


 Calla Lillies

I hate to even say how some of these flowers are doing. Flowers are apparently not my thing. Despite watering them everyday they are still looking sad. If they took IV fluids they might have a chance, but apparently I suck at keeping flowers alive. The plain green plant and Calla Lillies appear to be more hardy.

1 comment:

kg said...

Lovely flowers... and you picked out a beautiful urn. Thinking about you today, hoping that Dawson's appt went well.