After they left I found some motivation and got to work. I tackled the breakfast bar in the kitchen. It was our catch-all for papers and other things. When we moved back in, we put a lot of things up there. I took a bunch of pictures yesterday for motivation, so I can post before and after pics. So here's what I did today! Feels SO good to have a clean countertop! I hope it stays that way. I still have a few things to clean off it, but it's so much better than it used to be. I even made some cookies with all the space I have. Though I cheated, it was just cookie dough someone had brought us, but it's a start!
Our hallway had several things that just got tossed there when we moved back, and even when we moved into the apartment, so they are at least all in their correct rooms now.
I had another rough evening. They're usually hard. I try to keep busy, but it's so quiet and I always end up thinking about Tyler and all that we're missing with him gone. Everything seems to boring with him gone. He kept everything interesting and always kept Dawson busy and kept us on our toes. I was thinking about what Dawson must think, and wondering what he thinks about Gabriel. Today I read about a 4 year old girl who had lost her 10 month old baby brother. The mom is now pregnant and the girl wants to know when the baby will be born, and when the baby will die. It's what happens to siblings, right? It's hard to read about these other hurting siblings, but at the same time it's helpful to hear what they are thinking since Dawson doesn't talk about feelings or thoughts. There's so many things that you just wouldn't think of.
I'm not sure what hurts worse, missing him myself or worrying about Dawson missing him. Or worrying about our family as a whole, trying to move forward with each day and somehow function with this new handicap. I walk in the store and it feels so weird. I can't even explain it, I'm almost shaking and I just feel very out of my comfort zone sometimes. I feel it should be obvious to everyone, but they just carry on. They can't see the pain I'm in, they have no clue what it's like. Or maybe they do, and they're just trying to blend in too. Some days I wish I could be carrying a sign with my current thought or inspirational message telling everyone how precious life and children are. I've heard that the pain never goes away, we just learn to live with the pain and carry on.
I used to be so anxious for the toddler years to be over, and now that Dawson is saying things that are making him sound like such a little boy instead of a toddler, I find myself nervous of what the next stage is going to be like! Dawson is now a little negotiator. Today I was trying to get him to eat his supper. He chose Spaghetti Os. Then he wanted spaghetti instead, which I wasn't about to make since the can was already open. He then left in a huff and went to play on the computer. I told him it's time to eat. He said "Mom, no" with a serious look. Then he started babbling, and I caught little phrases here and there. He pointed to the clock and was saying something about look at the clock, it's time for computer now. Apparently the clock is now on his side. He doesn't know time at all yet, but I've done the same thing, telling him the clock says it's time to do something. So I guess he's turning it around on me now. It took a lot not to laugh as he was pointing at the clock with his serious face. He's so cute! He hasn't been eating as well lately though. If we push him, he eats nothing and gets aggressive, so we try to find a happy medium. Hopefully he'll get back to some better eating habits. I haven't been as hungry for the things I used to like either, so we're trying to take it easy on him and consider what he might be going through. At the same time we'd really like him to eat something! So he was bouncing back and forth, coming back for spoonfuls and we'd applaud with every bite. He didn't eat a lot, but he did get several spoonfuls in him. Lots of praise and negotiations. That's what the Autism Center had been doing, so we've been trying to continue that since it seemed to work for him. We just need to keep on top of it, but most days I feel quite lacking in brainpower and barely have the energy for it!
Gabriel has been very fussy lately. I'm not sure if he's picking up on the stress and emotions of everyone or if he has something going on too. He has periods of being happy too, but he gets fed up with things very easily and just hasn't been himself. I thought he was constipated, so I gave him prunes. He slept twice his usual amount yesterday and today, plus he was just really fussy. He did poop a decent amount, so I was happy with that, but now he's still fussing and arching his back. I'm trying not to freak out, but that's how Tyler was acting right before diagnosis. It's common to worry though and go right to thinking the worst after we've been there. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.