Our first Christmas without Tyler has been a tough one. Having no snow on top of it really made the holiday hard to get in the mood for. I bought a few things, but other than that, everything we got was because of amazing people who wanted to help our boys have a great Christmas. They sure did!
It took us about an hour to get through the stuff. It's hard not to think about how excited Tyler would've been. Last year he was climbing on all the boxes and was so excited about everything. Preparing for Christmas was tough, I kept seeing toys that I had in mind to get Tyler. I organized the playroom and found toys that Tyler had gotten from people while he was in the ICU and never got to play with. I found his favorite toys that sit untouched because Dawson just isn't into that stuff. Many of the toys we got for Christmas I kept thinking of how much Tyler would've loved that. I miss his enthusiasm for everything. He would have the brightest excited look on his face, arms flapping and everything as we helped him unwrap things.
Honestly I seem to be doing worse than when we first came home. Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's just the next stage of grief taking over. The waves of sadness are much stronger now to the point of almost being a panic attack. I get intense feelings of being sad, hopeless, angry, lonely and depressed. Then other times I'll be fine, I play with the kids or get things done around home. I'm just so moody! I thought it was bad when I was pregnant and overdue, but this might be worse! I get crabby over the dumbest things and sometimes nothing at all. I'll go from having a lot of motivation to wanting to sit on the couch most of the day. I often physical symptoms too, bad headache, muscle cramps, overall fatigue. I won't go into the more unpleasant symptoms. Some days I just miss him like crazy, while other days I seem to think about certain things specifically. Like the moment he died, and everything leading up to it. Or the things he's suffered through his whole life. The fun times we had and the cute sounds and faces he'd make. Other times I'll see something and realize all that he got shorted of. Like going to school, finding a best friend, falling in love, getting married, having kids. I'm sure as life progresses I'll always wonder what he would've been doing. I'm realizing that this is not just a temporary thing, though I knew it before, I think the numb stage is leaving and these things are feeling much more real. I've heard from some people who are further along the grieving path that this is all very normal and it's common for it to last at leat 6 months or so. It's different for everyone, so I guess we'll see.