Thursday, December 8, 2011

One of those days

I'd love to request a re-do for today! My phone alarm went of an hour before we had to be at MOPS. If it's too early, I'll lay back down and fall asleep. Well I don't remember turning it off, but apparently I did! I woke up right at 8:45, the exact time I was supposed to be there. I just hate that feeling, I said I was going to be there and I don't like being a flake. To wake the kids and rush them out the door and across town was just not possible, so I texted my friend and told her we couldn't make it. I was so mad at myself for falling back to sleep! Last year I made it to 2 MOPS meetings. Mostly due to Tyler's stuff, but I was hoping to get to more of them now and we're not really off to a great start. They only have them every other week too. I was kicking myself all morning.

Dawson got on the bus on time. That often seems like quite a victory in itself! He loves school, but he's a very "in the moment" kid. He wants to play with his toy or whatever he's doing. So I finally get him into his shoes and downstairs to the bus. I've been starting this process earlier now, so we even have had some downtime in the apartment lobby while we wait for the bus. Today he got to the top of the bus and as usual he turned around to give me a hug and kiss. Well this time when he turned around he started crying. He wanted to go to school, but for some reason he just suddenly felt emotional and needed a couple extra kisses. When he got home he told me he was happy, so that was nice to hear. On really good days he'll suddenly say "I'm happy!", which tells me he's having the same moments as I sometimes do. I'll be having a good day and suddenly I'll realize I'm having a good day and remember how good it feels to be happy, even though sometimes it makes me sad to be happy without Tyler. If that makes any sense.

My second (really big!) screw up of the day put me in the runnings for the "Bad Mom of the Day" award. Dan had to work on my van, so I took the car. I had planned on picking up Dawson from school, though as I was leaving, Dawson wasn't really on my mind. I got Gabriel's carseat in the car, my shopping list with us and headed out. It's so peaceful shopping with just a baby. Especially a baby who slept through the entire store! Got my shopping done and headed to the school just in time to pick him up. Took Gabriel in, ended up talking to someone who read our Caringbridge, then found Dawson. He was in a great mood and happy to be picked up. It's so neat running into people who followed Tyler's story. Putting faces to our followers, even the ones we didn't know about just makes it even more special. It's amazing how fast a story can spread. After the ladies talked to Gabriel a bit, we headed out. Got to the car and to my absolute horror I realized I hadn't put a carseat in the car for Dawson! Me, the one who's always making a big deal over carseats and buckling them up correctly, didn't even bring one! The busses were long gone. My van was apart and being worked on, no way for Dan to come get him! I was coming up with no options. So, feeling like the most horrible person ever, I put Dawson in the middle seat with just the lap belt and took all the slow back roads that I possibly could and made it home. Thankfully it's only a 10 minute drive. I tried making myself feel better, at least he was properly buckled in with the belt, unlike the job that CareCab did so many times! At least he's not bouncing around in the backseat like so many kids I see around town. I guess it could be worse, right? Somehow that wasn't helping too much with me feeling horrible though. We made it home and I guess that's all that matters. It's hard to shake the mommy guilt though! I just hope I don't have nightmares about carseats running off on me or something. ;)

I figured after those two major fails that I had to get the Children's Museum right. I mean, how wrong could that go anyway? My sister was coming at 4pm, we were leaving at 4:20 and getting there with comfortable time to get in by 6. My sister got here early! She had stopped by the mall to pick up her engagement ring that she had resized, but they told her it wasn't in yet. Well she wasn't here for 20 minutes when she got a call saying it was in! Since we'd get back too late for her to stop, I told her to go ahead and get it. Dan wasn't ready with my van yet anyway. She went and got back around 4:40. Dan came in around the same time and we started the process of getting the kids out the door. It's amazing how much faster that goes with just 2. With Tyler there was so much stuff. Animal crackers, extra masks, medical tape, enough stuff for a full dressing change incase it got wet or he sweat it off. Diapers, a few sets of extra clothes, bags for pukey clothes, etc. Now I need to re-fill the diapers and we're good to go. We actually got going at 5, so we got there around 6:40. The session was from 6-8, which I knew, so I was pretty bummed. It's hard to get around to the entire museum in only an hour or so. It felt rushed. To make things worse, about 40 minutes into our drive I realized something awful. I forgot my camera! What is with me today?! I used to take my camera to the grocery store, just incase a cute moment happened. I took it everytime we went to a park or the mall, just incase. So to forget it on a fun day like this just about made me cry. Thankfully my sister has one of those cool touch screen phones and can take pictures, though many were blurry, she still got quite a few cute ones. I have to wait for her to get them on the computer to post them though. That made me feel a little better, but still kicking myself.

The good part about today was the surprise we got that made me so glad we ended up going. One of the founders of HopeKids had emailed me and asked if we're still going to the event, since we'd signed up. He said they wanted to offically meet us and have a word. So I felt especially motivated to get there no matter what. He had a couple other ladies there that work with his foundation and they presented a canvas painting of Tyler. It's so good! It was done by her son, who has found talent in painting and we are the 18th person he's painted for. He plans on doing all the kids who pass away. I've never been artistic, at all. It's always amazing to me when people can do faces so well. He even captured his spark, that twinkle in his eyes. I'll take a picture of it soon!

Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps my brain will return to me while I sleep!

1 comment:

childofthebush said...

Stephanie I cannot imagine living your life. To me its sooooo busy. I am worn out just reading how much you fit into every second. Here in the Australian bush we never look at a clock. We usually have no idea what the time is. At dawn the roosters crow, the Storm Birds call so its time to rise and have breakfast and begin the day. We work until we feel hungry and the heat releases the eucylyptus from the gumleaves. Then we eat lunch. We might rest awhile lulled softly, peacefully, by windchimes. Late afternoon is time to stable the horses and bring the cows home. As the sun sinks below the wide horizon and the sky is lit by a million stars and the moon its time for tea. Relax, shower, bed then begin the next dawn the same as yesterday, the same as tomorrow. We all sleep beneath the same moon and stars even though we are on opposite sides of the world.I am sending my peace and love to you and yours and beautiful memories of little Tyler. xx Colleen