Friday, December 30, 2011

Preparing for the New Year

My ankle is feeling a lot better, I'm surprised it's made this much progress in only 3 days! Yesterday it was still swollen but today it's looking better. I only used crutches the first day, and today I'm actually limping less noticably now. It doesn't hurt much as long as I don't bend my ankle in any direction and keep my air cast on.
Dawson has discovered the Paint game on the computer and has been playing with that. Today he made a smiley face and said "Happy!". I asked him if he could make a sad face and he did! Gabriel started crying and I asked Dawson if Gabriel is happy or sad and he said "Gabriel sad". We've been working on identifying feelings, adding "angry" to the mix.

Gabriel said "Hi" to Daddy today! He's said it a couple times, and it's so cute. He's been fitting into some of Tyler's clothes now, which has been tough. We kept Tyler's clothes in his dresser, knowing Gabriel would be using them soon anyway since they are the next size up from what Gabriel is wearing. Well he's using a lot of the long sleeved shirts and some of the jeans too since the waist fits better.

This evening we went to the cities for something on Craigslist. We went right past the hospital. We've been past once before and it's just very weird. The whole area has memories it seems. Then this evening I turned on the tv, we recently got an antenna and I forget we have it! So I watched a show and the commercials came on and I saw a commercial for Ronald McDonald House. It was so weird seeing the inside of it again. I knew the person who they interviewed too. I was just thinking earlier today about how I'll never see the inside of RMH again. While I hate the reason for being there, it was such a great place.

I also had someone offer to re-do the pictures on my blog since they're old. I was looking for new pics and ended up in Tyler's transplant album on facebook. While taking and adding pictures, it's so gradual. When going back to look and flipping through them, it's horrible to see how much he changed. He went from a happy skinny boy to being puffy and in a lot of pain. Remembering all that he suffered through is so hard and seeing it all (at least most, I didn't get through the ICU pics) was tough. It makes me so sad and angry that he had to go through so much at such a young age. It's not fair.

I'm having mixed feelings about the New Year as well. Last New Years I was excited, 2011 was the year I'd been waiting for since Tyler was diagnosed. The year he was supposed to be done with treatment and move on to a happy long life. I certainly didn't expect to be here. Now as the next year approaches I'm not sure how I feel. Leaving 2011 behind in some ways makes everything seem more final. Instead of "my son died last month", it will be "last year". That just sounds so weird. We're also coming up on 2 months on the 2nd, so that's not helping me be excited for the New Year either! Hopefully 2012 will bring comfort and peace.

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