Sunday we went to my mom's house to do taxes. The boys had lots of fun and it was nice getting the taxes done. I also made gluten-free waffles while we were there. The waffle maker we have is a belgian one, so they don't fit in the toaster. I looked in 2 stores but all I could find were belgian makers! So my mom offered me to use hers while I keep looking for one. Instead of paying $3.69 for 6 waffles, I got a bag of gluten-free pancake/waffle mix for $7 and got all these, plus I have a cup of mix left! Made 21 waffles. Turns out to be half the price of buying them. :)
My appreciated person today is Nelli. She started following Tyler's story, not even knowing that we're from the same town! She did a fundraiser for us and also invited me to her MOPS group, which is closer than the one I'd been going to. So now I've been going to both and it's been great. Each week I leave there feeling refreshed and ready to take on the rest of the week. Some of the conversations and book studies have been rather healing as well. It's one of those amazing things Tyler has done, bringing people together who probably never would've met otherwise. Not only have I met people, but those people have opened doors and opportunities for me. I've only been there a few times and already have gotten so much out of it.
This one has a book study and the new book is "The Uncommon Woman" by Susie Larson. It's a christian book, about how you view yourself and others. Rising from the judgement and pettiness of others and taking the high road of forgiveness. This book mentioned so many things that have been huge issues for me, caring what others think of me, feeling the need to defend myself, letting the opinions of others completely ruin not only my day, but my views of myself. The last couple of years I've been really kicked down, not only from what I was going through with Tyler and our family, but from the words of others. I hated that other people, who really didn't even know me at all anyway, could have such a negative affect on my life. I have tons of supporters, but it seems like you can have many friends lifting you up, but just 1 or 2 bullies can completely knock you down. Over the last few months I have gotten a lot better about that, but this book has really helped. It is definitely something to be worked on continually. Here's some quotes I like about judgement and forgiveness.
"You do not define anyone with your judgment. You only define yourself as someone who needs to judge." - Wayne Dyer
"The highest form of intelligence is the ability to observe without evaluating." - Jiddu Krishnamurti
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving." - Dale Carnegie
"It is not "forgive and forget" as if nothing wrong had ever happened, but "forgive and go forward," building on the mistakes of the past and the energy generated by reconciliation to create a new future." - Carolyn Osiek
I've really been missing Tyler more lately. Today Dawson got in the tub to play with the balls and suddenly grinned and said "Hiiiiii Tyler!". He was holding up balls and saying what color they are. I asked him where Tyler is and he just looked at me with this "duh, mom!" look on his face and pointed next to him. He was later chanting "hi Tyler, bye Tyler" over and over. If I pry further I get the blank look and he runs off to play with something else, or he'll ask for something unrelated and avoids the subject. I don't want him to be uncomfortable, and shut down so I don't pry more once he does that. I wish I could see what he's thinking, what he sees and what he knows about what happened. I've been thinking about it more this week with doing taxes and having to mark him down as deceased, plus with it being February and I know so many people who are preparing for their kid's 3rd birthdays. I had so many fun things in mind for his birthday and now I'm not sure what we'll do. We both want to acknowledge it somehow, we just haven't figured out how yet. Seeing pics of other kids I wonder how much older Tyler would look now. Kids grow so much in just 3 months. I mostly just miss holding him and seeing his adorable smile.