Monday, February 20, 2012


It's been a very long 3 days. On Saturday Dan's sister came for the day so Dan could fix her vehicle. Dawson is used to people staying for a couple hours, so he seemed more on edge and had a hard time coping with the change. He spent a lot of time playing in the sink and even needed to go in the bathtub water for a while, which is what he does if he's having major coping issues. He even went up on his bed and peed on it. He was just having issues all over the place. Dan wasn't able to get everything done in a day, so she had to spend the night.

Dawson woke up at 4am asking me if she's going home. After about an hour of tossing and turning, he finally fell back asleep for a couple hours. The next morning he was a bit beside himself, so we went shopping and to the mall play area. He got some energy out but still had a lot of behavioral issues. He seemed to think something was wrong. The last time someone else stayed with us was when Tyler was in the hospital, so he relates that to something being wrong and it really stresses him out. I had such a horrible stress headache by the end of the day that I actually threw up. I had a headache today too, even though Dawson was winding down a bit and seemed better today. Just knowing he is stressed always gives me a stress headache. They always last a few days too. Hopefully it'll be gone tomorrow.

Thankfully Dawson slept in more today and it was calmer. We had a friend over with her 2 kids and he seemed to like them being here. He gave her 3 year old a big hug and a kiss when he came in and was also playing with her younger son a little too. He did great interacting with them. I was worried with all the regression I saw over the weekend, but he was calm and happy. Such a relief. They stayed for 2 hours, which is about perfect for Dawson. We had lunch and then another friend came over for a couple hours with her 2 boys and baby girl. He loves having those boys over too, so I was glad he had a fun day. His therapist had the day off and there was no school, so I was happy for some things to do, plus some other mommy conversation. Holding the sweet baby girl definitely didn't hurt my feelings any either. ;) 

Just when I thought today was going so well, I had a few unpleasant reminders. First was an email from Barnes & Noble titled "Something Special for Tyler's Birthday". Inside it said:

"Print out your coupon and bring it to the store, along with
Tyler of course, and choose between
one delicious hand-iced cupcake or one fresh home-baked cookie."

Of course. :(

The next thing was on facebook, someone had started a group for moms with kids close in age, 2 years apart or closer, for support. I always love giving support to those moms since I've been there twice, especially the ones who are just going into it and freaking out. Then I realized, I'm not that mom anymore. My kids are almost 4 years apart. I could join, but it still hurts to see families of really close in age kids. Especially when we're out and about for some reason.

After that Gabriel made a mess on his shirt and I took it off. You wouldn't think that would be an issue, but his chest looks so weird to me. It's smooth and all the same color. There's no central line or scars. This is weird to me. You'd also think I'd be used to it by now, since he's almost 11 months old, but occasionally for some reason I still expect to see something different.
Also tonight I was holding Gabriel. He was tired and crabby and I was singing to him and he dozed off. After holding him a while I started thinking about Tyler. He was sitting on my lap with his back against me. At that angle, with his hair and everything he just feels like Tyler. Eventually I snapped back to reality and realized I was holding Gabriel. He's getting so big! Didn't help that he had no shirt on, I often held Tyler without a shirt because of all the things he had going on. Gabriel isn't usually without a shirt.

My view (the lamp in the corner made the color weird)
Why it feels like Tyler.... He's getting so big!!!
I made these coasters in MOPS. They don't have finish on the top, but they are still nice. Dawson really loves playing with them. Since they're on coasters, he's able to play with them without bending the pictures or anything. He takes them out everyday and lines them up, shifts them around, plays little made-up games with them. Now I want to make more! I need to find out where they got these from. He did call one of them Gabriel a couple times. It always makes me cringe to think that maybe someday he might not know the difference. He doesn't understand the concept that he used to be little. If he sees a baby pic of Gabriel he'll just say Baby. I'll show him a pic of him younger and he'll say whoever it is who is that age. So I'm kind of dreading Gabriel getting to this age just for the thought that he might not know the difference anymore.
Today as I watched Gabriel play with kids Tyler's size and he had so much fun. It's just not fair that he'll never know Tyler. Someone told me once "don't worry, he'll never even remember all this". It was not only not comforting, but a very horrible thought to me. The thought of Tyler not remembering treatment was comforting, but the thought of Gabriel not knowing his brother is just very sad. Even Dawson I wonder how much he's going to remember after a few years. It's one of those things I try not to ponder too much about, but sometimes I can't help it.

On a happy note, our place looks nice and clean! Thanks to the chocolate party, I really cleaned up a lot and the lack of clutter always feels good. I had been unmotivated for a while so the place got pretty cluttered up again. They say the less cluttered your home is, the less stressed you feel. It's true! We still have much to organize and clean, but the main part of our place looks so clean now. Hopefully it will stay that way. Those clutter spots have a way of piling up again. Things must migrate there while we sleep. ;)


Mrs. Permissive said...

The coasters are from crafts direct...they go on sale quite often too

Angie Manser said...

Oh Stepahnie it is sad that Gabriel will not remember Tyler, but when people say that they think they are making you feel better for Gabriel's sake. But Gabriel will remember Tyler from all the videos you took of him and all the photos and all his toys which are still around. Tyler will always be in your lives because you will always talk about him and watch the videos and look at the pics - I am sure he is the kind of kid nobody will forget. You know for years and years after my boyfriend died, I could smell his aftershave on a jacket which I couldnt part with (I did eventually). Couldnt smell it all the time just got the odd wiff every now and again.