No Rest for the Weary

I had high hopes for this week, a couple days off school, planned to host a Scentsy party, meet with Dawson's teacher and get out in public and work on potty training with Dawson.

Tuesday did go well, my sister came over as planned and we had fun. She dyed my hair again since my mostly gray roots were really showing. We all went to the mall afterward for some fun. I had a gift card, so I actually looked for clothes, for myself! I did end up with a shirt and necklace. Potty training in public didn't go so well. He did sit on the toddler potty in the mall, but didn't go. He wet his pants about a minute later and didn't care. He has been staying dry at home though.

We went to the play area in the mall afterward for Dawson. There were many kids there. When Dawson was learning to walk, I got so annoyed at those kids who ran around and knocked people over and didn't watch where they were going. Well I quickly realized that I now have the child who's running around and not watching where he's going. Even worse, he was pulling on their clothes and trying to tackle them, shoving them and just going crazy. This his where his lack of social skills and his Autism really show. Of course most people have no clue, there being no physical characteristics, so they just look at him as an out of control child. We pulled him aside each time and talked about being gentle and not pushing, etc, but it was loud and crazy and after he passed the first child nicely it seemed my instructions had already been forgotten. He doesn't realize that just because he and Tyler would play rough doesn't mean he can do that with other children. He also doesn't understand boundries and personal space. He will get up in someone's face, just about touching noses and growl at them. We took turns battling the madness of wild running children to get to him to redirect. We let him play long enough to get some energy out and let Gabriel nurse before going home. I think after a longer than normal weekend, he really needed to run off some energy. It's been too cold to take walks outside lately.

Tuesday night I got hit by a cold. It's crazy how fast they can come on. By bedtime I had a bad headache and plugged sinuses. I knew I was in for a long day. Sure enough, my head was so stuffed I could barely move without being dizzy. The kids got colds too, seemed to show up around the same time. They both woke up crabby and an hour earlier than usual. We pretty much had a movie day and lounged around.

Thursday had quite an interesting start. I was woken up 2 hours earlier than usual by Gabriel who was stuffed up and hungry. I brought him back to bed to nurse. About 20 minutes later Dawson came to the side of my bed and puked on it. 15 minutes later he had diarrhea all over the hallway. Poor kid looked horrified. He'd been doing so well staying dry and messes were starting to really bother him. I kept telling him it was ok and not his fault. He seemed more relieved once it was cleaned up. Thank goodness for buying that carpet cleaner, we've used it many times just this week. We have very light tan carpet too, it's hard to keep clean. We canceled school, therapy, teacher meeting and Scentsy party. Was feeling pretty down about this week. I haven't exercised in 3 days either, just haven't felt the energy or motivation at all.

This morning I woke up thinking today has got to be better than yesterday. I guess that depends on what you prefer cleaning up. Today it was toilet water, about 1/4 inch covering the entire bathroom floor. Dawson had unrolled the entire toilet paper roll and tried flushing it several times. I heard flushes, he does that a lot, he'll pee a little and flush it and repeat until he's done. It drives me nuts but he can't be convinced to wait until he's done. Then I heard water splashing and hurried to the bathroom to find the standing water with a baby happily sitting in the middle of it splashing and having a great time. Dawson was standing next to the toilet with this guilty look on his face. I removed Gabriel and got his clothes off while I yelled for Dan to come help me out. He arrived and Dawson said "oh dammit". Apparently he already knew what Daddy's reaction was going to be! He hasn't copied a swear word before though. Thankfully he hasn't said it again either. I admit I had to fight the urge to laugh, as those words sound so funny coming from his cute little voice. We ignored it though, as he really obsesses about things we make a big deal out of. We got the bathroom mopped up and thankfully had a fairly restful day.

Gabriel had a pretty good day. He figured out how to clap and he's pretty proud of himself. He's been practicing often. He also figured out how to really get into something. He already knew how to open and shut cupboard doors, but today he really took a look inside and thought it would be fun to start taking things out. I'm really in denial that toddlerhood is right around the corner! In a way I'm really just not ready for Gabriel to take over the things Tyler was doing, and to pass up his age. I know we have a ways to go for that, but he already seems so close sometimes. I couldn't resist getting a picture. He was so proud of himself. I called his name and asked him what he was doing and he just grinned.

 I'm still a bit nervous about his hemoglobin. I know they said not to worry, but I can't help it. He's on  vitamin drops with iron now and we won't find out until his 1 year appointment the end of March if it's gone up. Sometimes it can take a while to go up though. Things like this make me worry. Tyler was always falling asleep in toys and things. Gabriel really falls asleep easier than he used to. He is very active when he's awake though.

It's been just over 2 1/2 months without Tyler and things are very different. It feels like he is a distant memory, even though it's really not been that long at all. I'm afraid of losing memories, the way he did things, said things and the sound of his voice. Every now and then I'll think of something, or someone will say something and I realize I had almost forgot and this panic just washes over me. Some days it feels like Tyler was just a dream. I don't understand why, we spend 2 1/2 years with him and only a few months without. I go back and look at pictures and it all comes back. Sometimes the good memories, and sometimes I just realize the bad, all that he suffered in his short life here. It's really just not fair. I really try to focus on the happy things though, we did have a fun year at home. I sure do miss this cute little boy.

I'm always amazed at people and how much they care. I guess when people say they'll never forget Tyler, I often wonder how long that will last. Well I just got this pic sent to my email, of a tatoo a friend got in honor of Tyler. Wow.