I haven't had much motivation lately. I've now moved to the depression stage of grief and it's been a rollercoaster lately. Combined with my ankle still sore and an infection making me tired, I haven't been able to do much and I haven't wanted to either. The last couple days have been the hardest. I felt like doing nothing and just had an overwhelming feeling of being alone. It is as they have warned me about. Around this time is when things settle down. The mail has stopped, many less people call or stop by my facebook wall to check on us. For most it was a tragic event, but it is over and they've moved on. For me and all of us in our family, we are not done. We have not recovered and we are still not ok. Each time Dawson acts out with aggression or is on the playground and wanders around looking lost. When Gabriel sits in Tyler's chair at the table, spilling carrots all over the place, I remember how much Tyler loved carrots and made such huge messes. Our routine is different now, our home is quieter and is lacking Tyler's adorable giggles.
Now we struggle with moving on and starting a new life. Some days I'm motivated and optimistic for a good new start. Other days I just don't have the energy for optimism and I'd prefer my old life back, the one with Tyler and all his medical stuff too. I'm still trying to figure out what I need to do. I want to do something, but part of me is worried about starting something and failing. I saw this little poem in one of my grief groups today.
Me: It's a stick.
Dawson: "Fish stick!"
Me: No, just a stick.
Dawson: "No, Fish stick!"
Our absence of last summer is pretty obvious. :(