Saturday, January 7, 2012

Trying to find Motivation

I haven't had much motivation lately. I've now moved to the depression stage of grief and it's been a rollercoaster lately. Combined with my ankle still sore and an infection making me tired, I haven't been able to do much and I haven't wanted to either. The last couple days have been the hardest. I felt like doing nothing and just had an overwhelming feeling of being alone. It is as they have warned me about. Around this time is when things settle down. The mail has stopped, many less people call or stop by my facebook wall to check on us. For most it was a tragic event, but it is over and they've moved on. For me and all of us in our family, we are not done. We have not recovered and we are still not ok. Each time Dawson acts out with aggression or is on the playground and wanders around looking lost. When Gabriel sits in Tyler's chair at the table, spilling carrots all over the place, I remember how much Tyler loved carrots and made such huge messes. Our routine is different now, our home is quieter and is lacking Tyler's adorable giggles.

Now we struggle with moving on and starting a new life. Some days I'm motivated and optimistic for a good new start. Other days I just don't have the energy for optimism and I'd prefer my old life back, the one with Tyler and all his medical stuff too. I'm still trying to figure out what I need to do. I want to do something, but part of me is worried about starting something and failing. I saw this little poem in one of my grief groups today.

"Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,
smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,
sweeps you up into its darkness,
where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...
Grief will make a new person out of you,
if it doesn't kill you in the making."

We've had some good times this week. Dan got the Wii set up. We haven't played that since last winter! It was nice playing that again and now Dawson is able to play on it too. He loved it! 
 He has a very easy game, Reader Rabbit: Preschool. He also has Kindergarten. The preschool one is matching shapes and other fun little games. He also likes the bowling game, but doesn't quite have the coordination down, since you have to push 2 buttons, one on each side of the controller, then swing it back and release both buttons as you swing up. He does either or, but he seems to be getting the idea a little bit. I'm sure he'll be a pro in no time.
 It's so cute seeing his name on his projects from school now. This is how he wrote it. I guess we gave him too long of a name. I'm pretty sure the 3 Ss are just from him trying to perfect them. If he doesn't get it right the first time, he must do it again. He's used to his white board or magna doodle, both which are very easy to erase and try again, so he's a little unsure about doing it on paper sometimes.
 Today I finally pryed myself out of the house and we went for a walk. It was a really nice day outside. I can't believe this is what winter in Minnesota is looking like! I've never seen a January with no snow. It's so weird!
 Gabriel liked being outside too. He wasn't so sure about the shoes at first. This is his first time wearing shoes. We usually just cover him with a blanket in the car since he doesn't walk yet. He looks so big with shoes and jeans!
 Dawson was very excited to be going for a walk. He was pointing to the nice view and saying "Look Mommy, water!"
 We can see the Mississippi River from our apartment and this trail. It really does make for a peaceful, pretty view.
 Look Mommy, rocks!
Dawson: "Look mommy!"
Me: It's a stick.
Dawson: "Fish stick!"
Me: No, just a stick.
Dawson: "No, Fish stick!"
Our absence of last summer is pretty obvious. :(
 After about 3/4 mile, Dawson got tired, so I carried him on my back. Thankfully this carrier has a higher weight limit. Carrying an extra 40lbs for 1/2 mile was definitely a workout! I walked 1 1/4 mile today. Felt good! My ankle was just fine, unless I started to run, which I only tried once. I really want to go for a walk everyday if the weather continues to be so nice. I've lost 4 pounds since we got home from the hospital, mostly just from eating better and being more active than the hospital.
 We finally got some stuff on the wall! One of the canvas paintings we were given, and it's so nice to have a calendar up now. Dan can see what's going on each day without having to ask me all the time, and I don't have to look at 3 different paper calendars to see when therapy is, school and other things.
 We got the HopeKids canvas painting up too.
Since the tree is gone, I set up the cube slide. I bring this out every winter so the kids can play and get their energy out. It was a $20 craigslist find about 3 years ago and has been so nice to have! Storing it is really easy too, all the panels stack up and fit under their bed. Same with that little house we found at a garage sale for $7. Fits right under their bed and even Dawson still loves crawling through there and peeking out at me through the window. He likes his little space back in the corner.
This evening I went to a Dove Chocolate party. It was a nice reason to get out of the house by myself and relax. Can't go wrong with chocolate samples either! It was very yummy. I actually agreed to host a party next month. Will be fun to have some friends over and help someone out with their business too. She was very nice, and a cancer survivor too.


Brian said...

Hi, my name is Brian and I have lost a child in my family too. My nephew was 7 and passed away from cystic fibrosis a year and a half ago. Now my son has leukemia and our family is trying to hold all the peices together. We are broken but we are fighting every day. My outlet is by helping others in looking for a cure. I have a blog and facebook pages that you may have seen. I don't know what I would do if my son was not cured but I will never ever give up in helping others search for theirs. My life is no longer my own so if I lost it all to cancer I wouldn't need to go find it again, I would just give away the few fragments that I had to help others feel complete. Keep blogging and posting, your words will go far.

annie said...

Beautifully written, Stephanie! I'm glad you enjoyed a beautiful day. The area near your apartment looks beautiful! Thinking of you all. xox

Tricia said...

Hi Stephanie, I started following your Prayers for Tyler page a while back and wound up following a link to get here. I just want to let you know that I read what you write and I think of you often. I love your writing. You have such a way with words. I have an autistic son too. He's 5. It can be so hard, and I cannot even begin to imagine all you have been through. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and that you are not alone. Tricia