Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Ups and Downs

It's been a rollercoaster week. Seems to be the norm these days. I have great moments and depressing moments. Thankfully they are usually just moments, or most of a day, but not everyday. Writing helps me keep track of things and makes it more clear how I'm really doing, by thinking back and remembering these things.

Gabriel loves baths! He watches the tub fill.

 Dawson saw all the fun Gabriel was having and started to climb in with him, PJs and all. I told him to get undressed if he wants to go in the bath with Gabriel. At the word "bath" he quickly said NO! and ran out of the room. He peeked back in and I told him no bath, just play. Then he was interested and cautiously got undressed and into the tub. He'd gotten a bath earlier in the day, but nothing beats fun in the tub with a brother. :)
 Gabriel is wearing more of the clothes in Tyler's dresser these days. Now he fits his PJs too.
 Cuddly clean boys!
 Gabriel wasn't holding still and Dawson thought it was funny.
 Love this pic! They are getting so attached.
 Uh oh!
 He gave up the fight and decided to join him instead. :)
 Somebody found BUTTONS! He now turns off the tv often, or hits the menu button and starts changing channels. Dawson usually beats me to him and hauls him away from the tv. I love Gabriel's face when he does that, he's so amused and just thrilled that he got his brother's attention.
 I love this sweet face!
 Love this shirt, got it at the hospital pharmacy gift shop after Tyler relapsed. Sometimes I get this overwhelming urge to get a picture of him, realizing that what I have is all I'll ever have. Thankfully I have a lot of pictures, but knowing I won't see him grow up with his brothers is just tough. I don't dwell on it most days, but some days are just hard. So I got a couple pics of "him" to try to satisfy the urge. It didn't help too much, but at least I got to show off my shirt.
 A close up of the painting on the wall.
Last night I had an interesting dream. I went to get something out of a safe in an empty building and suddenly Tyler was there. He pulled out a box from the safe that had unopened letters in it. It was like he was telling me there are more people thinking about us than I realize. Then he gave me a hug, which felt so real! I could even smell him. What was weird is that he looked like he did in the ICU, only he was awake and walking. The smell was of the ICU too, not a great smell, but of meds and dying skin. I was holding him and talking, though I felt like he was doing more reassuring than I was. Suddenly I was awakened by a loud scary sound. I jumped out of bed, expecting something to be on fire or something. Our microwave the night before suddenly started making tons of sparks, so I had that in mind. I looked in the kitchen and realized it was the refridgerator motor. It had done that a couple times before, but never that loud! Sounded like it was working very hard and about to go out. I peeked in at the kids too before going to bed and it had stopped by the time I got back to bed. I was so bummed about being woken from my dream, but I couldn't really fall back asleep. I called the manager and he is bringing in another fridge tomorrow.

These last few days have been tough. I've been on an Infant Leukemia facebook group since just after Tyler was diagnosed and they've been so supportive to me. Well now one of the kids that was diagnosed in 2010 and relapsed shortly after Tyler is having a tough time. She's 27 days past her transplant. She recently got pneumonia, coded and was revived and brought to the ICU where she's on a breathing machine. Seeing the picture of her, in the same setting Tyler was in, with such grim odds is so hard. I've always felt so bad for parents when they lose their child, but actually knowing what it feels like and having been there just makes it 100 times worse. I wish she was closer so I could go be with her as she sits around and hopes her daughter will make a tiny bit of progress today. If anyone wants to leave her a message, her caringbridge is

Tomorrow I go back in to the Dr. I've had an infection for a while and it keeps coming back, or the meds don't quite get rid of it. Now I'm having other symptoms and I'm not sure if they could be related or not. I called my Dr today and he said to come in for an appt tomorrow. Hopefully it's not something serious. After dealing with cancer, it seems like even small symptoms you tend to jump to the worst conclusions. Maybe it's just stress doing weird things again. I know I have a lower immune system due to being stressed and grieving.

On Tuesday I did get back to skating. Took it slow and it went just fine. We mostly go to chat with friends anyway. My ankle is a little sore now and then, they did say it would be a little sore for quite a few months, but for the most part I can do many things now.

Dawson is really doing good with his therapists. He's getting the hang of things and is more cooperative with them. They've been working on some word pronunciation, matching and pairing objects and turn taking. He started eating Life cereal now and we find it amusing when he asks for "more wifes" instead of Life. Tonight he really took an interest in spelling. He was spelling his name out loud and then asked me to "spell mommy", so I told him and he asked me again, then repeated it himself. We also spelled Daddy, Gabriel and Run. He asked for Gabriel quite a few times. It's so exciting to see him wanting to learn.

Gabriel has been cruising furniture and really getting around. I'm thinking he'll be walking by his birthday! A WIC appt showed his Hemoglobin was low, so I'm going to see what the Dr wants to do with that tomorrow also. I'm hoping to get more labs for peace of mind. Lots of things to do and places to go tomorrow, so hopefully I'll have more energy and enthusiasm then I've had these past few days!

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